What do you think about this?

Bitsy_Beans

I agree with sarymclary. Loneliness isn't about flirting so if he just wanted to chat why not just join a forum like MSE?! If conversations have got sexual that implies something else is missing from the relationship to me. Even if he hasn't strayed or met them in RL I would still want to know why he's continued with an intimate conversation with a stranger. He mentioned being lonely but then is addicted. That sounds like two different excuses to me.
I am not suggesting that they can't move on from this but I don't feel like the husband is being completely honest or that the wife is asking the right questions. If he is "addicted" then working towards breaking that addiction would go a way towards repairing the trust.

AllyS

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

I agree with sarymclary. Loneliness isn't about flirting so if he just wanted to chat why not just join a forum like MSE?! If conversations have got sexual that implies something else is missing from the relationship to me. Even if he hasn't strayed or met them in RL I would still want to know why he's continued with an intimate conversation with a stranger. He mentioned being lonely but then is addicted. That sounds like two different excuses to me.
I am not suggesting that they can't move on from this but I don't feel like the husband is being completely honest or that the wife is asking the right questions. If he is "addicted" then working towards breaking that addiction would go a way towards repairing the trust.

I am starting to think sex is a problem here. That will be discussed more.

What questions do you think the wife should ask?

Thanks for all your help, it is very appreciated.

Pssst

All this talk of securing the pc,keyloggers etc is not relevant. It is not for the female to police his behaviour. He has free will and he chooses to behave in this manner.

Why?

Is he bored,depressed or feels that his life is going wrong. Does he feel helpless and/or hopeless?

Why does he flaunt his misdemeanour's in her face? Does he seek to excuse his behaviour or usurp responsibility for it?

Is there still an active physical relationship going on?

Bitsy_Beans

I suppose if it was my H I would be looking at my own sex life. How often, who initiates it the most, is it a chore or a pleasure and finding out why my H would be looking for a thrill from people outside of our marriage. I am afraid I wouldn't take loneliness as a good enough reason for intimate conversations and such wouldn't accept protestations that this is all it is.

You can't solve the issue if you don't know why it started. If he's addicted to the thrill of having sexy conversations with other women I'd be wanting to find out what was lacking in my relationship in the bedroom. Perhaps it's gone a bit stale and needs livening up a little. If they are working separate shifts have they drifted a little, bit like ships that pass in the night. Do they need to make more of an effort to reconnect to one another.

AllyS

Pssst wrote: »

All this talk of securing the pc,keyloggers etc is not relevant. It is not for the female to police his behaviour. He has free will and he chooses to behave in this manner.

Why?

Is he bored,depressed or feels that his life is going wrong. Does he feel helpless and/or hopeless?

Why does he flaunt his misdemeanour's in her face? Does he seek to excuse his behaviour or usurp responsibility for it?

Is there still an active physical relationship going on?

He did say that he feels old and past it - I know he was looking for reassurance of still being attractive and being able to 'pull' if he wanted to.

Second question, I have no idea - he knows that she was checking up on him and it would only be a matter of time, before he was caught out again.

Yup there was/is still an active physical relationship, altho that has been affected since all this came out. 1st time was forgivable, 2nd, 3rd time the woman did start questioning her attractiveness & self esteem has been affected.

Pssst

I wonder how old he is? How confident is he? does he look after himslelf?
Is he mentally and physically active?
Does he take care with grooming,hygiene dress,appearance etc?

does he drink excessively? how old is he? Does he have a job? Is it rewarding or humdrum? How are household finances?

Bitsy_Beans

AllyS wrote: »

He did say that he feels old and past it - I know he was looking for reassurance of still being attractive and being able to 'pull' if he wanted to.

Second question, I have no idea - he knows that she was checking up on him and it would only be a matter of time, before he was caught out again.

Yup there was/is still an active physical relationship, altho that has been affected since all this came out. 1st time was forgivable, 2nd, 3rd time the woman did start questioning her attractiveness & self esteem has been affected.

But the internet isn't a very good way of proving whether you're still considered attractive since no one can see what you look like :rolleyes:

I've been out and been chatted up. And whilst no one can deny it's flattering initially I became more aware that all this person was interested in was trying to get me in the sack. Not interested in me as an individual, with a mind and an opinion just a quick lay. Needless to say he was dispatched quickly but it made me grateful to NOT be single and have to deal with stuff like this. That I have a H at home who loves me as I am (most of the time ) and who respects me. It's a shame this husband is willing to risk his marriage and love of his wife because he wants to remind himself that he can "pull" someone.

AllyS

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

I suppose if it was my H I would be looking at my own sex life. How often, who initiates it the most, is it a chore or a pleasure and finding out why my H would be looking for a thrill from people outside of our marriage. I am afraid I wouldn't take loneliness as a good enough reason for intimate conversations and such wouldn't accept protestations that this is all it is.

You can't solve the issue if you don't know why it started. If he's addicted to the thrill of having sexy conversations with other women I'd be wanting to find out what was lacking in my relationship in the bedroom. Perhaps it's gone a bit stale and needs livening up a little. If they are working separate shifts have they drifted a little, bit like ships that pass in the night. Do they need to make more of an effort to reconnect to one another.

I think you have hit the nail completely on the head. Thank you.

AllyS

Pssst wrote: »

I wonder how old he is? How confident is he? does he look after himslelf?
Is he mentally and physically active?
Does he take care with grooming,hygiene dress,appearance etc?

does he drink excessively? how old is he? Does he have a job? Is it rewarding or humdrum? How are household finances?

He acts very confident, but I know that he is not.
Yup mentally he is great and everyone that meets him, thinks he is great laugh - he is a joker. Physically he is gorgeous - perhaps I don't tell him often enough.

Has a very successful career and seems happy. Finances are tough, but we are the best off we have been in a long time and have a little money to play with now. I do worry about money all the time tho and I know he finds it frustrating.

Pssst

AllyS wrote: »

I think you have hit the nail completely on the head. Thank you.

Whilst that might be part of the problem,i think it runs much deeper than simple sex.

I think he has some complex issues going on which will not be easily resolved in the short term simply by trying to spice up your sex life.