Want to give up!

Taye

Ok so here i am, i've battled, trucked and generally "got on with it" for the last 7 years of my life.

I was left in a huge amount of debt after escaping from a very abusive marriage, each morning i get up i get dressed and i get on with my day telling myself that i am doing it so one day i can provide my children with a better future.

My life is not normal, i know and accept it.. i havn't spent 10p in 7 years i can not account for and havn't taken time to concider spending and if the item i am buying is 100% needed. This week i spend over an hour concidering a punnet of strawberry's ... really it's that bad.

For years i was so depressed i scraped from day to day surviving, but in the last few months i've realised i want to live, what i am doing now is NOT living.

I've sat down i've done a SOA and tried to organise myself, but sadly there really is very little to no room for cut backs, i don't live an extravegant life.. food is occasionally a luxury in my house as a family we have been known not to eat for day's at a time when things where tough.

But all this i told myself over and over again would eventually be worth it, because one day i would give my children the life they deserve.

However in the last few days .. driven by a SOA and a snowball calc i've realised in black and white one pure simple fact!!! my eldest son will be 31 before i can offer him any sort of normal life!!

Please give me one good reason to continue to try!

moo2moo

Because you are a fabulous mother!

Because you have two wonderful sons whose world will come crashing round around them if you're not there

Because you will eventually become debt free even if it does take until hes 31

Because you left your abusive relationship - it tkaes a hell of a lot of guts to do that!

Your children do have a normal life. They have a roof over their head, food to eat and a mother who loves them and spends time with them. Thats all children need.

cuddlymarm

Hi

I quite agree with Moo2moo.

There is no such thing as normal and you are doing the best you can for your family. Sometimes you need to take a step back and a deep breath and say sod it. And when you do you find that the world doesn't end.

When you feel ready if you post your soa the lovely people on here will probably come up with what you already know but they might be able to help. And if you need it do take advise from CAB or one of the debt charities. Its not admitting defeat and there is no shame in asking for help.

Cuddles:rotfl:

sheba

Can't say it any better than Moo2Moo- you sound like an absolute diamond to me and you should very be proud of yourself for the stringent steps you've taken moneywise (and otherwise!!!)to keep it all together- yay you- have a huge 'superstar' hug babe- cos you are one!!
x x x

Tixy

Hi Taye

I just want to echo what the others have said. Money is not the most important thing to children. A loving home & mother will give them much more in life.

Your children need you to be strong and to teach them the values that you so obviously hold.

All that said I do want to say that you must prioritise what you spend money on and food should be ahead of repaying your debts. Maybe not champagne & oysters but cheap nutritous and filling food for your children & for you are essential. If that means you have to pay your creditors a few pounds less per week then so be it. No reasonable person and no court would ever judge it otherwise.

Oh and re the strawberries and fruit & veg do you have any outside space where you live? Have you tried growing things? It can be done in a tub in a really small space and is great fun for the children. You can pick up seeds for a few pence or ask at you nearby allotments if anyone has plants going spare (some will have). Lettuce/mixed leaves are really easy to start with, any plastic tub will do and you will have great fresh salad in just a few weeks.

Taye

I did a SOA here

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1717149

I just feel utterly trapped, frustrated sorry i hate moaning.

You can spend your life trying to convince yourself your not the only one to be in this situation and i know im most likely not.

But stupid things that didn't used to get to me when the kids where younger are starting to both me, silly things like last night the icecream man came around.. silly hu?..

I heard the bell and was sitting in the living room watching out of the window, all the kids in the street scattered to pester thier mum's and dad's for money my two never moved.

I know i should be proud that they understand i can't afford it so don't come hassling me, but instead just felt sad because in 7 years my children have never had an icecream from the van. Occasionally i'll buy a tub of icecream or buy ice pop's for the freezer but they are MAJOR treats in our house.

newlywed

Have you considered doing a debt management plan? You are given enough money to cover bills etc and then any left over is paid to creditors.

Are you still paying interest on your debts?

My parents didn't have much money when we were young, we knew mum had to debate the answer if we asked for certain pack of biscuits. She used to go round doing the weekly shop in the supermarket with a calculator to check and at the end we got told whether we could go and get the biscuits.

We had clothes, a roof over our heads, a bed, food and some toys (even those that were second hand were still loved and used).

I never went abroad till I was 18 and working. Instead of holidays we used to go for days out - whether that was a picnic, to a park, or a castle or just to some other town to look around. We didn't feel deprived (even though I'm sure we moaned once or twice ).

Life is about more than just buying and owning "stuff".

sheba

I can imagine that your childrens exemplary (sp?) reactions, or non reaction, (which shows how well you 've bought them up in my book) could be quite a humbling deflating moment, but just think that sadly, some (not all and not necessarily in your area but somewhere I am sure) of those kids that get ice- creams may also get some form of abuse in the home- your kids might not get ice cream on a monthly basis but they get love everyday and that will see them through where ice- creams and gifts bought to compensate a bad family life won't.
Keep your chin up
ps- you don't have to wait till they're 31- they'll use the lessons learnt (and taught by you) as to whats important in life,to get ahead and will be helping you out long before that.

chevalier

Some random thoughts... well it is late where I am...lol
1) have you checked about the childcare vouchers and benefits. It would be a shame if you could get them, and were not claiming them cos of faulty information. I would be surprised if a bank doesn't have the scheme. You do have to ask though and sign up to it...
2) When do your children turn 3? As you will be getting some free childcare then? Also do you get the childcare element of working tax credits?
3) The thing with the DMP is that it takes the stress off you. You have the money to pay your essential bills - mortgage, secured loan, utilities, food, car related costs. Then all other non essential bills get pro rata payments after that. You even get a clothing allowance! But you would have to check with your employers with regard to this, as some don't allow even DMP's and some do.
4) Don't forget www.freecycle.org to get things you can't afford for free. You just have to pick them up.
5) I take it there is no family (your side of course), to help out even with a days childcare once a week?
6) If you are studying can you get a bursary from work to cover the cost of the course? Or if you do Open University courses they have a scheme for paying reduced fees if you are on a low income.
can't think of anything else.
But what I will say is that my mum was a single parent from when I was 18 months old. I don't remember being deprived as a child. Thing was over the years she got promoted and so had more money for things. So whilst doing the DMP might seem like it would consign you to years more of debt, it might not. It might give you a breathing space. Once the children are getting their free childcare it will save you several £100 a month, which you can use for savings/debt payment.
So maybe it is worth struggling on for a little longer....Also why are you paying your ex's debts? Were you forced to take them out? If so maybe you could try appealing to the lenders better nature, explain about the abusive relationship, and ask for the debt to be written off as a gesture of good will? If you don't ask you don't get...

good luck
chev

Taye

My children have been 3 for a while they are 7 and 9 now i get working tax credit and working family tax credit, inc help with childcare.

Im paying my Ex's debt because they where joint debt from when we were married (all bar 2 credit cards which are mine since he left somethings credit was the only way to feed us) he has quite litterally disappeared off the face of the planet... to the point that we couldn't even find him to serve divorce papers.

Unfortunatly creditors don't care as long as SOMEONE pays them, my name is on them as well as his.. they can't find him so they pester me. I've thought about trying to get him declared missing presumed dead, but i think the responsiblity for paying them would still end up on my doorstep as his "wife at the time", im sure he's somewhere chuckling away to himself about the whole world of debt he left me in... *sigh*

Im not sure if i can go the whole dmp route, i work in banking? and i know my employer can get quite stressy about my credit etc?? they checked my credit rating before hiring me and as im getting made redunant towards the back end of the year i think need to keep it clean for when i apply for future jobs in banking?

Intergalactic_Floozie

Oh hun, what an awful predicament to be in. How about talking to the employer and getting some answers before you go down the DMP route? Will you get redundancy pay, and will that lessen the load for you a bit?