so so fed up.

BitterAndTwisted

It's very common to suffer poor self-esteem as a result childhood sexual abuse as I'm sure you're aware after having undergone counselling and therapy.

Please remember this: it is not necessary to be well-educated in order to be interested in other people or interesting to them in turn but it is necessary to try and be less self-conscious which is a killer to spontaneous friendly chatter. Most people are much too busy thinking about themselves to concern themselves with what you're worried about and it sounds to me like you might just need a little bit of practice. I'd start with young children if you know any, they're much less critical and you can start off with asking a few unchallenging questions. In fact a lot of casual conversations can be started like that. Compliments work, too

consultant31

FirstTimer4Me wrote: »

some brief history, I suffered a very traumatized childhood, resulting in me receiving ECT treatment during my teens/ early twenties, since then and for over 30 years I’ve been under psychiatric / psychotherapy treatment, although that treatment ceased 2 years ago, i’ve been on medication for most of my like, I’m convinced now when I look back the ECT treatment i received somewhat damaged my brain in that i cannot retain information very well, it goes in but never stays in, which brings me back to the point i made when i say i’m extremely uneducated, i have no difficulty remembering events from 20-30-40 years ago, but ask me about something last week and i’m really stuck..

As everyone else has pointed out - this post was long, well written and to the point, so you don't actually seem have the problems you think you have.

As for the point above that I've highlighted.......I'm like that, but I think it's because I panic when people talk to me (I'm a bit deaf and can't always hear properly) and I don't concentrate enough on what they're saying because I'm too busy thinking about my (deafness) problem.

People like other people who are willing to listen to them, so you don't always have to have a fund of small-talk. Ask them about their job or their children and they'll go away with the idea that you're a quite fascinating companion!

I can remember my son at the age of 19. He'd always been a loner who prefered to study rather than go out. He got a place at Uni and before he went he suddenly said to me "Mum I can't do this, I'll never get on 'cos I don't know how to do small-talk". I told him as I said above - ask questions and everyone will think you're great. It worked for him

FirstTimer4Me

thank you all for your time there's a lot of points made above that apply to me which i'd never considered.

loaner, self esteme, these 2 are very specific and is someting that stands out when i read the posts.

my self esteme is something i need to focus on but if i'm honest with myself and knowing me, i don't think i can do it alone and for that reason i'm going back to my gp next week to see if there is somekind of medication that can help me either change my thought process or give me somekind of boost,

my biggest issue is fear, nothing special just fear

thanks to everyne for your comments and consideration.

FirstTimer4Me

RedBern wrote: »

ask your GP about counselling to help you deal with the feelings about your abuse. There's lots of help out there, you just need to be brave enough to take it - and do it a bit at a time. Small steps......good luck!

i just wanted to reply to this post because i don't want you to think i'm ignoring this very important advice.

i've had 10 years of therapy for the abuse i suffered and that therapy put me on some form of level playing field, i also received ect treatment but those attacks, images, words that were said to me still haunt me, and that's one aspect of my life i just can't seem to get out of my system.

Hardup_Hester

Hi
I'm not sure whether you are male or female, but have you thought of joining a club where there isn't time for much conversation?
I belong to my local WI & we get 5 minutes when we arrive to register, check the notice boards, buy raffle tickets & find a seat. Then we have a speaker & it would be rude to talk then. Next we have a cuppa & we have a sales table & a competition table to look at & then we have social time & we have a quiz or play a game, so again very little time to chat.
Also in every WI I have ever belonged to we have a few members who need support for various reasons, these members have always been made welcome.

bestpud

If it helps to know this, I understand exactly where you are coming from.

I really don't think medication is your answer. The fact you are determined to seek medication says to me you feel happiness can only come from outside you but in reality it must come from within you.

What type of therapy have you had?

I'm wondering if a short course of CBT may help you with the specific problem you describe? If the focus was on you (now in the present) and the way you interact with others, and not on the past, would that help do you think?

It's not about the way others behave as you can't change that, but rather about the way you react to others and basically about empowering you and giving you the tools you need to help yourself. It is not about finding the right medication but I know it is difficult to step away from the medical model when you have been within the psychiatric system for a while.

It sounds as though you have been over what happened to you enough and now you need some support in living a normal life?

That's easier said than done but having a difficult past does not mean you are condemned to a life of exclusion - really it doesn't. I know it has affected you (of course it has) but sometimes it is easy to think our past dictates our present and that it not the case.

It's just my thoughts of course and I may be wrong but perhaps it's time to draw a line in the sand and move forward?

You have amazing inner strength; you wouldn't have survived if you hadn't. Now you can channel that into the present issues you have.

Believe in yourself and others will believe in you too!

Good luck x

Zazen999

Hi

Can I just make a little observation.

I asked what sort of things you liked and why you had made some decisions to [for example] choose courses that you did.

You haven't come back with anything about yourself other than the situation that happened years ago [which sounds horrific, I'm not belittling that].

However, and this is why I mentioned the Onion Theory, people don't really know how to cope with knowing these things about someone unless they know you really well.

My observation is that the little things, seem to get lost in the big things. It's the little things that start the bonds with other people. People then go on to form deeper relationships with others that have the same guiding principles which you find out through small talk.

It's like a tree, and you are trying to jump straight into a deep and structured conversation when really, all you need to start with [eg] is the weather and how rotten/good it is. I usually start with that, and go into how this affects things in my life - such as gardening [to try and pull out any veg gardeners amongst my friends which I really AM interested in], or travel [I drive alot and like a good moan about the M1 as I've sent so long sitting on it], or my bike [I cycle to the lottie, and many of my chums cycle around the city and like a good winge about cycle lanes]. All of these subjects can end up talking about people, ways of doing things, psychology, politics, pollution, the cost of anything [seeds, petrol]....even the state of TV these days as we all strive to avoid it.

If I ever thought I would have a 'planned' conversation about politics for example, I'd end up having to read up on policy etc and it would end up being very staid and scripted.....as far as I am concerned, I'm just talking about the weather and if it ends with the weather, then nobody has lost anything; but if it ends elsewhere the worst thing that has happened is that we've had a conversation and gone our separate ways. The best thing is that you can find good friends that 'click' and go from there.

P.S....clubs are good as you can go quite a few times before anyone expects you to say anything....you can sit at the back and after a few weeks people will start asking how you are, what you have planned for the weekend, if you are off soon on holiday and you can take it from there.

FirstTimer4Me

ta for the replies i'll try and answer as best in answer to what kind of therapy i received, the intensive therapy was to try and install some kind of foundations / security within myself, it's fairly clear from my posts the difficulties i had during my childhood what i've not mentioned so far is i was in moved around childrens homes for most of my childhood which created the unsecurity and not being able to lay any foundations within myself

whether the true issues of the abuse i suffered have been dealt with i honestly don't know i had great difficulty opening up to my counselor about the abuse it was something that was touched on but i just couldn't get it out each time i tried to open up about i just broke down the counselling session were 1 hour each time it almost took that long for me to get to the starting point in the end i decided it was doing me more harm than good because when i left the councelling session and for several days i felt extremly low.

the courses i tried to take have been to do with my work i for example excel / word etc, etc, as i mentioned i just couldn't concentrate.

my difficulty is making the 1st move i'm ok if i'm lead by the hand but find making the 1st step overwhelming.

since i created this thread i've searched within myself for what it is i think my issues are if i'm honest i think at this present time i think i'm depresed the reason i say that is because for the last few days all i want to do is cry or scream, i cannot focus on anything no interest in eating etc when i get these episodes of depression all i seem to think about is those that hurt me for the way i've ended up (if that makes sense)

getting invloved in activities / clubs this idea is a nightmare to me (i know you mean well) but the thought of being in a large group of people terrifies me i've tried to involve myself with works outings but i end up being alone because my mis trust / confidence in anyone kicks in i've tried to takle it but my "comfort zone" takes prioity.

i'll come out of this depressive state i've been here before many times these periods do pass but when they do i end up back in my comfort zone

my dream / wish is to have a brain scan where someone can look and see what damage my brain is and know the treatment in reality i know it doesn't work like that

bestpud

Have you tried, or heard of EMDR, FT4M?

It has been successful in treating trauma and doesn't involve going over what happened in detail.

ps I know what you mean about the clubs - people often say it is a way of making friends etc but I find situations like that terrifying personally and tend to think those that can do it probably have no trouble making connections anyway!

FirstTimer4Me

bestpud wrote: »

Have you tried, or heard of EMDR, FT4M?

no i've never heard of emdr.