moaning mother in law getting me down.

redballoon_2

thanks janey , will bear that in mind.

Floss - great ideas there, will definatly think about those, i did think about MIL having her for an hour here and there to start with, i think i need to lay it down that it needs to be on my terms and not hers tho as i think otherwise that would how it would be.

whatatwit

Red, I was wondering if she had a daughter or just sons.
My MIL has only sons and I know that she has felt left out over the years with her other grandkids. She once said that her first GS was a couple of months old before she even held him. Every time she called round, he had just been put down to sleep or was being held by the other side of his family. This really upset my MIL as she felt as though she wasn't wanted or trusted.

I did smile at the sweets and coke reference, that's what grandparents do. As long as you are not leaving your daughter with them all day every day, then it does become a 'treat' and a lot of grandparents like to feel as though they are spoiling their grandkids.

Start using her for your advantage, an hour here and there, so you can pop out and get your hair done or a browse round the shops.
The pushing of the pram is a pride thing and she is no doubt hoping to be seen by her friends.

As your daughter grows up, she will appreciate having 2 sets of grandparents.

kimmi_b

Hi Red

Just wanted to offer my support as I know how you feel. I struggle sometimes with my MIL - she is a lovely person but can be very overbearing when it comes to my DD. I think it is important that you let her have a relationship with your child as there will come a time when you want to take her up on the babysitting option - better to build up the time they spend together slowly and on your terms so when it does come to overnight stays with the grandparents, you and more importantly, your child, will feel comfortable.

My issues have stemmed from MIL doing things her way and ignoring what I say - with my Mum I feel able to say sternly if I didn't want her doing certain things with my daughter (such as snacks between meals, sweets, juice etc) but MIL just goes ahead and gives chocolate biscuits to DD, despite me having said only minutes previously that she wasn't allowed anything as it was nearly lunchtime!! The list goes on and it drives me up the wall, but I have just taken to dropping heavy hints to OH and letting him be the one to say no to his Mum as she seems to take notice of him.

As for pertinent advice given by the MIL, just ignore it politely and carry on doing what YOU want to do with your little one! She will soon get the hint. My MIL was still mashing up food for my DD up until a few months ago (she is nearly 2!) so one day I just prepared her lunch at MIL's house and gave it to her chopped up as you would feed a toddler, not mushed up like baby food - since then MIL has done the same.

Good luck with your MIL and hope you start to feel better about things soon.

geekgirl

Don't tar all us mother in laws with the same brush. I am a MIL to my daughters lovely husband and my sons lovely wife. I love them both dearly and totally respect the way they all bring up their children. We are a close family and I am there for them but only if they want me to be. All on their terms as far as their children go, nothing worse than anyone interfering, whoever it is.
I have a fantastic mother in law who has been the same with me, I know I have been lucky. I want my son in law and daughter in law to feel the same way!

Back to the OP, communication is the only way, I think you need to have a cosy little chat with her and talk about what she is feeling and tell her how you see things. She will only get worse if she feels she is being pushed out. Good luck with it.

RadoJo

I have to say, I don't have kids, so I am only going on what you have written, but it does sound as though you are a little defensive e.g your MIL coming round because she had bought clothes for you might just be that she didn't want to come round empty handed rather than that she wouldn't come round unless there was a reason. What you see as her moaning might just be how she expresses her affection - she might think she's 'doting' on her grandchild, saying she can't get enough of the baby. Similarly when she talks about how she did things - could it be that she's just trying to bond with you over shared experiences rather than actually trying to influence your actions?
It's sometimes hard to know whether new parents are looking for advice, support or sometimes someone to chat to about anything other than babies! I understand that it can feel as though every comment is a criticism, but could it be that she's just chattering away without intending to undermine what your doing?
I also think she might just be unsure about inviting you round - when it comes to my friends with tiny children, I am often a little conflicted as to whether inviting them over to mine or inviting myself over to theirs is less hassle for them, so it could be that she's just not sure about what would be easiest for you and doesn't want you to feel as though she's putting pressure on you?
All in all, I agree with other posters who have said that it would be much easier for you to have all the babysitters you can, as well as the benefits to your child, so maybe it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt and trying to appreciate the positives of having someone who is obviously keen to be involved in your family's life.

betti911

RadoJo makes some good points. Again I don't have kids yet however I know that I now feel awkard visiting my friends who do without invitation or an excuse to go round (like a present of clothes, toys etc).

I can see where you are coming from re the food situation and wanting things to be in your terms. It might be a good idea to for you and your partner to sit down with your MIL and discuss ground rules. Maybe you could invite her over to visit once a week for an hour or so, eventually with a view to leaving the baby with your MIL for a short time like half and hour and build it up from there?

Finally just wanted to mention that you are very lucky having the support of two sets of grandparents. My mum has made it clear that if and when my fiance and I have kids she will not be looking after them when I return to work

squibbs25

I remember feeling very unsure the first time my sons grandmother came out with me just after i'd had him. ds was about 15 days old.
From the moment she clapped eyes on his pram she took over wanting to push the pram (and not letting go) and wanting to do everything for him (nappy,bottle etc) at first i felt a little uncomfortable. Then i needed the loo while we were shopping so she kept hold of ds, as i made my way back to where she was sitting (she didnt see me) the smile on her face just said it all. She was just so proud. She oohhed and arrhed at him all the time and could be heard telling other people sitting nearby or passing by that he was 'HER grandson' as if no one in the world had ever had a grandchild before (you know how a newborn tends to attract attention by the elder generation, no disrespect intended)
I must admit though i was totally shocked by her affection with him, You'd have thought she'd never seen a baby before, or believe that she'd actually had 2 herself!
I can honestly say i will remember that day forever, she was the proudest Nanna i ever saw.

If your mum in law feels she needs to buy something using it as an excuse to pop over and see you and the baby then i would definately give her time to bond with the little one. Even if it is too look after baby while you have a bath or do some ironing- something silly so you are on hand.

I know it's not easy when it feels like others are telling you how to do this n that but sometimes advice given in a general conversation is far more useful than we think.
I have nearly 5 years gap between my ds and dd,the things that i was advised to do with my ds, where advised against when i had dd! HV said on many occaision 'we dont do it like that anymore'.
Your mil probally doesnt realise that she makes you feel a little insecure with her comments, she may feel she has a fab relationship with you and feels she can offer you her advice.
The one good thing about advice is it's only advice, take it or leave it, the choice is yours, just make the right noises in the right places and you wont go far wrong :rotfl:.

Filey

I used to be just like you - unsure of myself, on the defensive, but without the ability to say what I want.

But one of the advantages of getting older is that I have become much more relaxed about everything. I don't assume that I am being criticised all the time, and if I am, well, so what!

Your MIL is trying too hard and you will have to re-assure her. A few 'um' and 'oh really' and 'is that a fact' will help, then do what you think is the right thing. This is not being hypocritical. It is just oiling the wheels of life, which is something necessary in many circumstances. All this moaning she does, do you think it a sign of her own insecurity?

Obviously she means well but has difficulty in putting it into practice. An extended family is on of the greatest blessings a child can have, so if you can work out the problems it will in the long run benefit both you and your children. So stay calm and no matter how irritating your MIL, just keep on oiling the wheels.

squibbs25

Just a thought, is it possible that with the other grandchildren she didnt feel as if she was able to get involved, whereas she feels comfortable enough with you?

redballoon_2

Thanks for all your replies I think i have a few thigns which i can take from this and try them out. I am going to ask her to come round for half a morning to look after my daughter whilst i get some housework done to start off with and take it from there.

yeah that is true squibbs, she has said before that she was pushed out from the start, but now she has far more involment with them like collecting them from school etc.. but when i see her and ask whats she been doing she just moans that shes "had" to collect them from school and it interfers with her day when she volunteered to do it!

i feel that as it is the new grandchild its a the novelty factor....

she doesnt have any interests of her own, and is stuck to her husband constantly, she doenst go or do anything on her own. i do feel sorry for her but as someone has said she is just been too involved and it makes me feel as if i need her to back off a little. if she was a bit more relaxed and chilled out about it all then i would feel a bit happier about seeing them more. i am relaxed and rarley moan about anything (apart from this!! LOL) she seems to moan about the smallest of things. and as she had no outside interests, its the same old conversations all the time.

she's also thrown in conversations about Matriarch and how it was her mother who was the "mother of the family" and she said when it comes to my turn i will have to fight it out with my sister in law on who becomes it!!! ??