moaning mother in law getting me down.

redballoon_2

Hi all,

We had our first child last year, and naturally i am closer to my mum and dad that my in laws. They both have helped out with the buying of bavy things etc... but now it has become almost a point scoring contest with my mother in law.

I see my mum once or maybe twice a week and see my mother in law less often but at least once every 2 weeks sometimes more , sometimes less depending on if they have been away etc...

she is always moaning to hubby (and not to me) that they never get to see thier grandchild. bearing in mind that whenever i do talk to her when we see them, she moans that shes been far too busy etc.. and doesnt know where the time goes etc... I dont have a car so its not as if i cant go and drive over myself to see them.

she is constantly moaning about her other grandchildren who are a lot older than mine child saying that they are a handful etc..

now it is coming to the time of babysitting and i am far more comfortable letting my mum or sister babysit rather than asking the in laws. to be honest i would rather stay in than let them babysit for us. I think its possibly down to the fact that she is always moaning one way or another. so far my sister has babysit, once for half hour and the other for one evening. mother in law found out about the half hour and said that she can always babysit for us, i said it was only for half hour and to nip to the shops and back , and she said well anytime we will babysit. i feel like she gives me no option sometimes about who i choose! then when she found out that my sister had babysat for us one evening she didnt say a word, not even "did you have a good time out?" she completley ignored the conversation. i think it would be a different senario if my mum had babysat for us and i think she feels that she is the competition.

she didnt have much involement with her other grandchildren which is a shame but i didnt really want it to be the same for her this time but because she has moaned i feel less and less inclined to be with her.

she has moaned to my mum about not seeing the grandchild too, which was unneccessary in my opinion as it has nothing to do with my mum (my parents and the inlaws get on really well) we have told them previously that they are welcome to come over and see us anytime and then the day after she called to ask if i was in and so she came round, but she had been shopping and brought some clothes for us so that was the reason for the visit not just to come and see us. It feels as if she has got to make an excuse to come over.

she has brought things for her house for the baby , equipment wise but as we rarely get invited over (like we used to, prior to baby, we would go over for sunday dinner about twice a month) they have never been used. and i dont feel as if i am in the position to just call in like i would do with my mum, or i invite myself over to my mums cos i can but i couldnt do that with her as i would feel rude doing so. she said "i dont know why i bothered buying things for our house as we (meaning us) never come over"

everytime someone talks to her (like my mum or hubby) i always wonder what shes got to moan about this time or what have we done or havent done!

please can anyone offer any sort of advise on how to deal with this?? I am considering returning to work and i know she is going to want to child mind for us as well as my mum, but all the moaning she has done, i dont feel as if i want her involved.

help me!

Paparika

Mother in laws always moan about families, one day that may be us, i lost mine to cancer a few years ago, and miss her dearly, I'd sit there all day and listen to her,

LittleMissAspie

I can't really see what your problem with her is. Perhaps she is a bit of a moany person but from what you've said she isn't nasty or complaining about you. Maybe she is expecting you to call her when you have time to go round, maybe she feels like she doesn't want to put pressure on you to travel over when you don't have a car.

mountainofdebt

I know what you mean about you tending to ask your parents / sister to babysit rather than your parents-in-law and I do think this is a girl / mother thing as we were exactly the same - my mum tended to babysit more than OH's parents.

tbh it sounds as if she feels pushed out and the moaning is not moaning as such (even though it sounds it!)..... could it be that she realises that she didn't get involved with her other grandchild and simply wants to be different with this grandchild but hasn't had the chance yet?

To be honest I would invite myself over for Sunday dinner and then ask her to babysit one evening. Get her involved - that's all she wants and to be honest, I would rather a grandmother who wants to be involved rather than one who didn't give two hoots.

hellyboo_2

could you invite her when you see your mum sometimes since they get on so well? she may not know how to ask and like someone mentioned doesn't want to pressure you. If she is lovely with your child then you would be in a really lucky position to have both your mum and her helping you when you go back to work.

Penny-Pincher!!

Leave the baby with whom you feel is right and with whom YOU feel comfortable with.

I dont get on with my MIL and DD has never been looked after by them. This was a joint decision between OH & I though and there legit reasons for coming to this conclusion.

What does your partner think?

PP
xx

busiscoming2

I agree with what has been said already. MIL's do moan a lot, usually to other members of the family, but she obviously wants to be more involved (the equipment at her house), phone up and ask when would be convenient to pop round. If you use other people to babysit frequently and never her, I'm sure she will feel hurt and left out, if this is the case then occasionally could you not let her babysit for the shorter times?
My inlaws never just call in although I have asked them to many times over the years, some people are just like that.

redballoon_2

My MIL is lovely dont get me wrong, but i think the fact is that she desperatly wants to be involved makes me want her to back off as i feel she wants to take over all the time. i know its only niggling things but it all adds up and really gets to me. the fact that i dont have a car doesnt help, sometimes when i am with her i dont feel like the mother, that she is iykwim. the time we went shopping together she took charge of the buggy and didnt let go!! i felt as if i had to ask for my buggy back! hubby has said before, that as she was an only child , she has to be the centre of attention. any problem or health concern that anyone has she seems to have it as well but twice as bad!

they were round the other day and i was feeding our daughter her dinner and she kept repeating "i used to love it when i fed the boys" and tell me what she used to do and i feel as if i have to take note of what she did and do it her way.

she means well , i know she does, but she fusses way too much and doesnt let me be who i am when i am around her. i feel as if she takes over and i dont like it. i know it may seem petty but i dont want this to escalate to a big deal as i want both sets of gparents involved.

its the way she goes about it all , and gets hooked on the smallest of things that i mention as she doesnt have a social life of her own, so she uses mine or my mums. and as she hasnt got any family apart from her two sons and her husband there isnt anything to talk about apart from our daughter.

i think i will let her babysit but as busiscoming2 said i think i will use them for the shorter times, my inlaws are much older than my mum and dad so i dont think they will be able to cope as well (health issues as well) , plus they dont have the same outlook on life as me and regularly give thier other grandkids sweets and coke which i dont want for my child.

Pennypincher - I feel much more comfortable with leaving my child with my mum and dad or my sister , i know that she will be hurt by it but that is how i feel. i know that she wouldnt harm a fly but i cant get over this issue. i dont know if it is because it took us nearly three years of heart ache to get our daughter we desperatly wanted.

at the moment , i cant leave my daughter with anyone during the day for very long as i am breastfeeding and she wont take to a bottle at all and expressing is too hard work for nothing in return! Daughter is getting better now she is being weaned tho.

thanks for your replies.

dirtyflannel

My exs mum used to insist on coming with us and it ended up where our house was decorated and carpeted to her taste. Drove me up the wall. I used to get in the bath when they came to visit as soon as I saw the car coming up the street any time of the night or day.

Floss

I've been in your situation, but when my DS1 was small we didn't have a phone & I didn't drive......my parents would only call by arrangement (as their parents used to drop in on them & they hated it!) but my out-laws used to just turn up without any arrangement or invitation.

Maybe you could let your ma-in-law look after the baby so you can go & have your hair done, do the shopping, meet your OH for supper one night after work etc..... so you are getting the benefit, she is spending time with her grand-daughter and your daughter will start to bond with her grandparents.

It IS hard, but in the long run you need to cultivate the relationship before you & your family can benefit....my out-laws would have my 2 DS's to stay every Friday night without fail so me & ex-hubby could go out to play. If I had just relied on my mum, that wouldn't have happened.

Janey3

they were round the other day and i was feeding our daughter her dinner and she kept repeating "i used to love it when i fed the boys" and tell me what she used to do and i feel as if i have to take note of what she did and do it her way.



Don't be too intimated by this, as this is what some of us old 'uns like to do!! We bore the pants off with all our memories! Just "um and ar" and a "did you?" in the right places, and she will be a happy bunny. You can carry on your way as normal when she's left the house!!

Hope all works out well for you.

Janey3