What age can a child decide which parent to live with?

charliemaine1bee

We are moving house shortly 60 miles from where we are now.I have 3 children and my 14 year old is flatly refusing to move and said he will stay with his dad here.
I dont have the money to be going to solicitors and am under the impression that if i did i would just be told that at 14 its up to him.Can anyone clarify this for me.It would be much appreciated.

sneezyboots

yes you are right. at 14 they will be allowed to decide for themselves. I would suggest just encouraging him to visit frequently and after a few months when the novelty has worn off he might actually decide he wants to move.

ailuro2

agreed - let him have a trial run - your Ex may swiftly decide that Ds is much better off with his mother/can't manage work hours around looking after him etc.;)

It might be heartbreaking, but you can still see him at weekends, and have a share of being the 'good guy' he does fun things with, not the evil witch who makes him study/ go to bed at a decent time etc.

Does he have a good relationship with his Dad? He's old enough to make his own mind up as you've already realised.

charliemaine1bee

Thank you for advice.
Ive cried,begged and bribed but we are at the point now where he thinks its clever to see me upset and makes him dig his heels in even more.
So being at the end of my tether im at the point where im thinking right lets call your bluff and you go to dads.It is heartbreaking as a mum you cant imagine loosening the strings at 14..
But i have said ok go to dads.You will have a bedroom at the new house waiting for you and we will come across and get you every other weekend say and holidays.And i will ring every day.And should he decide day or night that he wants to come back then i will drive across and get him.
I just feel that theres nothing more i can do at this point..

Oldernotwiser

People suggesting a trial run should bear in mind that 14 is a crucial time in a child's education. If this will involve changing schools it could be a very bad idea.

ailuro2

umm... ONW, wouldn't he need to change schools if he moves 60 miles away, but could probably stay at his current school if he goes to live with Dad...:p

Oldernotwiser

ailuro2 wrote: »

umm... ONW, wouldn't he need to change schools if he moves 60 miles away, but could probably stay at his current school if he goes to live with Dad...:p

You're right, I thought it was the father who was 60 miles away.:o

On the other hand, a trial run that didn't work out's going to mean his moving schools part way through his GCSE course which wouldn't be a good idea. He needs to be thinking of staying in the same school for the next 2 years if at all possible.

ailuro2

Trial run could start now, might have had enough of it by the time the school holidays are near, could get him sorted in new school before they break up for summer??

I do agree 100% it's of vital importance to consider his schooling perhaps even over and above what either parent WANTS to happen. His needs come first here, especially at 14, it's a vulnerable age.

Valli

(((hugs))) hun

but rather than battle it out (and I KNOW this is SO HARD for you) you are doing the right thing letting him go and keeping the door open, IMHO.
Had you forced him to stay you would have given him a major weapon to use against you in the future.

I had a colleague who's sons were given the choice - and they chose to go to their dad's (I could see that this would be the outcome at the outset of the court case as the boys were so very angry with her, as they believed, rightly or wrongly, that she had caused the break up) but I would LOVE to know which moron arranged/agreed the move for xmas day:eek::eek::eek:

tic_toc

As hard as it is you are probably going to have to give in on this one. As a mum the best you can do in this situation is make sure he knows that you dont want him to go and that you would much rather he stayed with you as you love him very much and would miss him like crazy. Let him know there is a room ready for him IF he changes his mind. Try and be positive around him about both yours and his move. Im am sure you will visit him and he will visit you. The important thing is that he isnt going to resent you for forcing him to move away and that he knows your door is always open.

I dont envy you, when you have kids you expect to have them until adulthood, but sometimes circumstances change and you are not to blame. Everything happens for a reason.

Take care and good luck with the move.

MrsTinks

Yes GCSE's are important but it's perfectly possible to do well even if he moved weeks before them - I've gone to 8 different schools in 3 different countries and the "don't move him x years before his GCSE/A-level" is just handing a child an excuse to not do well... I managed to get not only a GCSE equivalent but also a half decent A-level equivalent despite moving so much and having a 45 minute drive to and from school each day...
If you don't know it's "impossible" you just get on with it and do it
As for where to live then I had the choice from very young on what parent to live with - I've moved back and forth between my parents and even spent 2 years living with my grandparents at one point. The grass is always greener but I bet the primary reason for wanting to remain in the area is that his mates are there... at 14 your mates are a huge part of your world and I think the only reason I agreed to move to the UK at that age was that the alternative was living with my dad and step mum - a woman I loathed and the feeling was mutual. If I could have stayed in Norway where at least I had friends I would have - I didn't want to move to yet another country and yet another school...
Remember - grass really is always greener so there is a fair chance he'll come with you later, but if he's very close to his mates he may decide it's worth putting up with his dad and new rules etc just to be near the buddies... Not because he prefers his dad