i just want to give up!

Floss

prettypoppyknickers wrote: »

i think i shall just print this off because when ever i go to the doctors i put up the usual poppy front and end up smiling through it rather than exploding like i did then in that letter.

That's a really good idea.

Go & see your GP, also think about asking for some counselling to help you sort out your feelings. How old is your son?

Do maybe you wish you had emigrated?
Do you envy your friends for being able to do that?
Would you rather have that "freedom" or the family you do have? (maybe they envy you that?)
Is your OH jealous of them making this big decision?
Has your OH come to terms with you not being able to have any more children? (It sounds as though he may be angry about that and is "lashing out" with the comments as a result)

It is natural to have regrets over choices we have made in the past - we would all do everything different with hindsight!

pipkin71

I would agree with others about seeing the doc OP. When people around us make changes, it's common to start looking at our own lives and what we have, so perhaps your OH is doing the same.

Has he moved in with you now? If he's still living with the friend then perhaps you need to lay down some groundrules about how he behaves in your home. If he is now living with you full time, then there will be a period where you both need to adapt and that could cause tension.

Do think about talking to your GP though.

yoni_one

prettypoppyknickers wrote: »

... just felt I was being stupid...

...my partner said that if he was single he would have gone years ago...

...I know cant have anymore children when he really wants them ... he would love to live in new zeland but i wouldn't ...

... he tells me I need to get out of this state ...

... he came in the bedroom ... I didn’t want to talk as I was to upset ... he decided to hit or kick my sons storage boxes smashing them all ... then he come in the room after telling me he was going to buy me flowers today but didn’t bother because I would just say o they’re only die...

I have no motivation in life ...

... when we were arguing I said if it wasn’t for my son I wouldn’t be here and that ds is the only reason I am happy.

I just feel so lost empty worthless and all I want is a cuddle from my son who is at a friend’s house.

Do I let him go for his own good why should I drag him down with me or do I ? what I just don’t know! :’(

I agree that you are probably living with depression and think it is a great idea to print out your post and take to your GP.

But you are also living with a partner who is unsupportive through your difficult times and this can feed the negativity you aim at yourself which can feed his aimed at you and it becomes a cycle with all the negativity aimed at you.

You may empathise with your partner's frustration over you having this illness, it certainly can be difficult living with negativity in the home, but you are living with it too, both of you seem to be holding you responsible for yours and his behaviour and moods, and yet only hold you responsible for yours, either way he seems gets off with any responsibility for his contribution to it all.

What I am trying to say is that you are both responsible for yourselves, and both responsible for the manner in which you support each other through this difficult time.

Whatever you are going through nothing can justify him deliberately trying to make you feel worse and breaking your son's things.

You are not his keeper and it is impossible for you to hold him back (other than lock him up!),

Neither of you should have the power to 'let' the other do something. He chose not to go to New Zealand years ago, if he chooses to leave you to go to New Zealand now or in the future then that will also be his choice, if he stays in a relationship with you that will be his choice too, and not because you made him stay.

You both seem to think this is all down to you, it isn't, and maybe attending Relate together would help?

I feel so sad for you, it is horrible living with this illness, but understand that it is an illness and it is no more easy to 'get out of this state' than it is to magically unbreak a broken bone. It takes diagnosis, time and treatment. I sincerely hope you manage to get what you need to get back to good mental health.

xxx

prettypoppyknickers

hi primrose my son is 4 years old now and there is groups around my area but they seem to be in the morning and i have my son in the morning and goes to pre - school in the afternoon for 2 and a half hours. my son is going to france on saturday for 2 weeks and we have got a birthday party saturday night but we are looking foward to the weekend and the bank holiday

BillTrac - thank you for kind words as for the rest of you too, there isn't really anyone i can talk to my friends have got a couple of issues on their mind at the moment and i just dont want to bug them with mine.
i cant talk to my mother about how i'm feeling because i dont want to worry her because i spent a lot of my teenage years s.h and that caused a lot of stress and upset and worry for my family.
it was only when i was pregnant i stopped because i was not going to have my son taken away from me over that. i guess that's why i dont go to the doctors because i am scared that my past and my present will put a risk on my son (silly i know because if you were to meet me you would have no idea, i'm not the sterotype of anything that i have done) ( i had my son at 16 but have spent the last 4 years fighting to get away from the sterotype that young mums get)

mrsbooboo - how do i go about going to relate is it pricey or can my doctor send me there? i use to go and see a person when i was at school and it really helped but that stopped when i turned 16 again so after having a baby i lose all the support i got for the past 3 years good isn't it.

epsilondraconis - thank you for the idea about the lists it's a good one as long as i dont do negitive negitive negitive ( i used to write lists to try and get myself out of the dark but its always ended up 100 bad things 5 good things )

Floss -(i've answered your questions so this will make sense to you) i think i would have liked to when my partner meantion it ages ago but i have such a close friendship with my mum and dad and they have with my son that i think it would break their hearts and mine to leave even though she says if you ever get that oppatunity go for it i couldn't leave her.

i think (selfishness about to come out now) i am more concerned that the fact that my group of friends has broken down over the last 2 months ( a group of orginally 8 has now gone down to 5 and with two more going that leaves me, my partner and this bloke who is my partners best friend) and if they leave i will have no one.

i think my son is my world i wouldn't change him if you gave me all the money in the world and tbh my friends don't have the freedom either they have 6 month old twins and a 2 and a half year old!

I dont think my other half has really regarding kids being around babies all the time makes him want it more but i end up in this nasty circle of i dont want to hold the babies because everytime i do it reminds me of what i can have and what my partner really wants so then i end up feel so crap that i dont want sex and find it a effort just to want it (i enjoy it but its the making my self want it in the first place again i just dont see the point i dont want to feel this way though .

thank you all for helping me with all of this i really am greatful and sorry if it doesn't make sense.

yoni_one

You are dealing with depression, facing isolation and fearful of your mental health history having an impact on how professionals may view your ability to cope with your son now.

Yet it sounds like you have been amazingly strong to get from where you were to where you are now. I would think the evidence of your ability to be a responsible parent is there for all to see and the love for a child really can change your world can't it? Well done Poppy.

If you are not ready to open up to your GP would you consider approaching MIND? http://www.mind.org.uk/

xx

Lulu45

That's a really good idea.

floss2

prettypoppyknickers wrote: »

.......i think (selfishness about to come out now) i am more concerned that the fact that my group of friends has broken down over the last 2 months ( a group of orginally 8 has now gone down to 5 and with two more going that leaves me, my partner and this bloke who is my partners best friend) and if they leave i will have no one..

I think we've probably all been in that situation...life moves on for all of us & sometimes it can seem like all your friends move on at the same time. Do you know any of the mums at pre-school? How about anyone from work?

prettypoppyknickers wrote: »

.......I dont think my other half has really regarding kids being around babies all the time makes him want it more but i end up in this nasty circle of i dont want to hold the babies because everytime i do it reminds me of what i can have and what my partner really wants so then i end up feel so crap that i dont want sex and find it a effort just to want it (i enjoy it but its the making my self want it in the first place again i just dont see the point i dont want to feel this way though.

I think you defienitely need to ask your GP for a referral for counselling...I don't want to pry but have you been told definitely "no more children ever" or were you advised that you shouldn't have any more? (I ask because I know several people who were advised that but who have since gone on to have more babies)

prettypoppyknickers

hi floss

i was told that the likelyhood of ever having children again is extremly slim and not having a period since my son says it all. the doctor just told me to enjoy my son and consider adoption when i am older.

al the moms on the play ground keep themselves to themselves and have never really spoke to me, and i work in the nursery that my son goes to.

so no good really.

floss2

prettypoppyknickers wrote: »

hi floss

i was told that the likelyhood of ever having children again is extremly slim and not having a period since my son says it all. the doctor just told me to enjoy my son and consider adoption when i am older.

al the moms on the play ground keep themselves to themselves and have never really spoke to me, and i work in the nursery that my son goes to.

so no good really.

Ok, (please don't take offence at this) you were quite young when you had him, so it maybe that when your body has settled down you may be able to conceive again. A colleague's daughters are 7 years apart as she was told the same thing and sh was in her 30's (which is why I asked earlier). Also, when your health as a whole improves, things in that department may improve too.

With regard to friends, do you have any interests, hobbies, do you take your son to any activities? Occasionally we all have to take the step to forge new friendships, by making the first move. I understand that this is hard for you at the moment, but I think when you start to feel a bit better in yourself you'll find it a bit less of a challenge.

bank_of_slate

prettypoppyknickers wrote: »

hi floss

i was told that the likelyhood of ever having children again is extremly slim and not having a period since my son says it all. the doctor just told me to enjoy my son and consider adoption when i am older.

al the moms on the play ground keep themselves to themselves and have never really spoke to me, and i work in the nursery that my son goes to.

so no good really.

Try joining your local netmums forum, they have a good forum, community and a 'meet a mum' board. there will be other mums near you who feel lonely and would love a friend. You deserve friends and a life too, the more of a life your son sees YOU having, the more you will inspire him!
...Linda xx