Advice wanted on seeing in-laws during maternity leave

OrkneyStar

Pee wrote: »

Could you invite them over?

That way if they want to see the grandchildren, they have the invitation and can come and if they don't bother, you have the ammunition with your OH as to why you don't need to bother either.

Could you even invite them over to take DD to the park, maybe, to give you chance of a lie down? So they feel like they are helping?

I agree with this and perhaps even ask MIL to help.
Tell her you'd love to see her, and let her spend time with the kids, but also make it clear that its a 'take me as you find me!'.
She will probably warm to you even more and enjoy feeling needed.
As a mother of a son I'd like to think I'd get at least some chance to help in his childrens lives (of course he is only 2 so its a while away).
Good luck and I hope you all manage to get things sorted so noone feels left out or put upon.

Threebabes

Pee wrote: »

Could you invite them over?

That way if they want to see the grandchildren, they have the invitation and can come and if they don't bother, you have the ammunition with your OH as to why you don't need to bother either.

Could you even invite them over to take DD to the park, maybe, to give you chance of a lie down? So they feel like they are helping?

I agree with this poster.

Good idea.

moiramber

My MIL hates me so we never see her even though my son is only 4 months old. She keeps texting and phoning OH saying it would be good to see my son and him but I think she expects him to visit without me! Never gonna happen!

I agree, I think you already see her millions!!! I don't think you should have to justify how much time you spend with your parents compared to them, It's your choice and your an adult!! You're not obliged to see everyone equals amounts of time!!!

I think the last thing you need to be worrying about is upsetting your MIL from not seeing her often enough when you're just about to have a baby! You should be concentrating on that and not having unnecessary stress so I think your OH has been a bit insensitive.

Do whats best for you and your kids and try not to worry about everyone else for a while!

carlamagee

i see my own parents preety much 4/7 days a week (on mat leave).
however, last time i seen OHs mum was easter, even though she only lives 2 mins away. i used to make the effort to go round to see her, but then realised it was always me making the effort. She complains she doesnt see DD often enough, but she knows where we live, drives and she doesnt work. there are always empty promises of her coming round to take DD out for a walk or to the park or to see her great grandma, but thats all they are - empty promises. For this reason, be it good or bad, i dont bother anymore than she does now.

angelicmary85

Hiya,

My 'MIL' lives in Southampton...We live in Scotland so it's not very often that we see her...she's only seen DD (17months old) once when she was 3 months old and our 2nd is due in 7days.

My issue with her is that I keep suggesting meeting up half-way, once, I got as far as nearly booking a cottage for the weekend for her and her daughters to come and stay with us for the week but she pulled out at the last min and keeps making excuses...I make the effort, she doesn't and didn't even send our DD a present for 1st birthday or xmas so tbh although I'm stopping us travelling all the way down there, I don't look like the 'the bad one' for not bothering at all I agree with Lizziebell..it's not all about give give give!!

Primrose

It's going to be much more difficult for you to travel now with two babies and all their paraphernalia in tow so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your mother-in-law to visit you, especially as she drives and doesn't work. I think your husband hasn't yet thought through the practicalities of the situation and the complications involved and in any case, he should be more sensitive of your needs now than of his mother's. However, that situation will rapidly be resolved if you fein tiredness on a few occasions (and with a new baby you won't need to fein it !!) and suggest that your husband drive to visit his mother, taking the two children in the car while you rest in bed at home. I reckon that after one fraught trip he will rapidly realise the practicalities of the new family situation. Don't feel guilty - you have no reason to be. You can't spend all your live pleasing other people. Your priorities now are your own family.

lisa01

Personally, I wouldn't want to make regular arrangements to see anyone. What happens if you and your oh want to do your own thing at the weekends? You'll have to explain why you won't be going to see your mil. If your oh is so concerned, he should make more effort and take his children to see his mother himself - just as you do. I'm expecting twins any day now and have made it clear to my oh that I will not be running round taking the kids to see all of the in laws. Although I have no objections if they want to come and visit us. I figure I'll have more than enough to occupy my time than spend it running round for people who quite frankly, have been positively unhelpful throughout my pregnancy and have been unwilling to help us prepare for the twins arrival.

Sometimes people forget the reason why we take maternity leave is to spend time with our very young children so that we can make sure their needs are met. Its not a "holiday" from work with nothing better to do!

snowmaid

What is it about MIL and DIL's that gets up everyone nose. I have been there too.

However, let us keep in mind that mostly it is good for children to have a relationship with their grandparents.

As a grandmother I think it must be terribly hard if your son's wife has had the baby. While you want to be part of their life, it is usually the maternal grandmother that benefits. I know in the case of my daughter I see my grandchild a lot more than my daughter's partner's parents does.

Why don't you make the approach? Invite her over, tell her you would love for her to get to know her grandchild. She may be feeling she doesn't want to intrude for fear of being told she is interfering. But if she is anything like me, she will be longing for a relationship with her grandchild.

I know that when my son's eventually have children, I will find it difficult to know that my DIL will most likely be going to her mother for advice etc, because it is the most natural thing to do.

mgardner

kimmi_b wrote: »

We do see a lot of them at the moment, probably twice a month so she has a good relationship with DD and hopefully the same with DS when he arrives but it always involves us travelling over to see them, never the other way round. EDIT: we have asked them countless times to come see us - for lunch or dinner - they always decline because they have a dog and don't like to leave him on his own at all (Dog can't come to ours because we have a cat and MIL/FIL aren't happy about the dog being left outside while we keep Cat shut inside).

However yes I do agree that if it is us visiting them then we get to stay as long as we like, also I don't have to worry about being the hostess like I do when they visit us!

So yes, as long as his Mum makes it clear that I am welcome over there and I know when it is ok for me to go over then I will make regular visits. No way do I want to interfere with their relationship with their grandchildren, just had hoped that OH would be a bit mroe understanding of the fact that it is more natural for me to want to see my family where I can relax properly and be able to say what I feel. MIL tends to 'baby' my toddler - mashes up her food still, carries here around on her hip (even while making hot drinks!) and gives her snacks without asking me if what she is giving her is ok for her to eat - you have to bite your tongue with the MIL whereas my Mum has always known to ask if it's ok to feed DD something before giving it to her!! It's the age-old MIL vs DIL scenario I guess - some things never seem to change!

Thanks for opinions and suggestions - good to know that I'm not being a completely unreasonable hormonal DIL!

Theres really more on your mind here than not being invited, have a good talk with OH, you are quite right to be concerned about MIL making a hot drink whilst holding a child, you are quite right to object to MIL not asking if its OK to give YOUR child a snack. I would not dream of giving anything to my Grandchildren,
my daughters or my sons without asking if its ok.

I dont think this is an age old MIL vs DIL thing I think it is a case of very bad manners on the part of your MIL and your OH should be made aware of this.

Floss

Primrose wrote: »

...... suggest that your husband drive to visit his mother, taking the two children in the car while you rest in bed at home. I reckon that after one fraught trip he will rapidly realise the practicalities of the new family situation.......

Loving this idea!