Advice wanted on seeing in-laws during maternity leave

kimmi_b

I am about to start maternity leave for the second time (my DD is nearly 2) and my OH made a sarky comment while travelling in the car to work today.

Background is - we live in Worcester, his parents live in Malvern and my parents live in Cheltenham. Last time I was on maternity leave, I would spend one day a week in Cheltenham with my mother, the rest of the week at home, going to babygroups and keeping house etc and at weekends (alternate), we would all travel over to Malvern to visit with his family.

The comment he made this morning in the car implied that he was hoping I would make the effort to travel to Malvern while on maternity leave so his Mum can see the children. He did mention this several months ago just as I was about to come back to work after last mat leave, stating his Mum was disappointed that I never took DD over there during the week. I got very angry and defensive at the time because a) I was never actually invited over at any time and I wouldn't have just 'turned up'; b) Although I get on well with his Mum, I still feel that I can't be 'myself' the way I can with my family i.e. lie on the sofa and moan to Mum about how tired I am while she fusses over the baby or tell her not to do certain things with baby! and c) The only reason I used to drive to Cheltenham was because my Mother doesn't drive and also works 4 days a week - his Mum does drive and does not work at all so I feel that it would have been nice for them to offer to come over to see us rather than expect me/us to travel over there all the time. Also we could save money on petrol as well!

I don't want to fall out with OH or in-laws and am happy to go over to see her occasionally (my exact words this morning in response were "Of course I will go over if I am invited"), but with 2 children to look after now, I would hope that she isn't expecting constant visits when I could be taking the children to playgroups or getting things done at home.

Upshot of all this is I am now feeling guilty that I didn't make more effort last time, obliged to make more effort this time round and resentful that in all this OH is only really concerned with not offending his Mum - when I think he should be also asking that as well as visiting them, they make an effort to come see us.

I just wondered if anyone thinks I am perhaps being unreasonable/overreacting about all this?

NOVASTAR

Well I don't think that your're being unreasonable visiting the in laws alternate weekends -thats a lot more than most people!
If they would like to see more of you all, they can surely make the journey over to you?

daphne_descends

Would you agree to fortnightly visits?
The advantage of going to visit someone when you have a baby, rather than them visit you, is YOU are in control of when you turn up and when you leave. Worth it for me anyway!

I can appreciate how you feel but from her point of view she just wants to see her grandchildren and I think it can be very hard for MILs to say so without looking like interfering old witches. She may be a valuable babysitter one day and this is a good reason to make sure she bonds with the children too. Their relationship with her is an important one.

Pee

Could you invite them over?

That way if they want to see the grandchildren, they have the invitation and can come and if they don't bother, you have the ammunition with your OH as to why you don't need to bother either.

Could you even invite them over to take DD to the park, maybe, to give you chance of a lie down? So they feel like they are helping?

kimmi_b

We do see a lot of them at the moment, probably twice a month so she has a good relationship with DD and hopefully the same with DS when he arrives but it always involves us travelling over to see them, never the other way round. EDIT: we have asked them countless times to come see us - for lunch or dinner - they always decline because they have a dog and don't like to leave him on his own at all (Dog can't come to ours because we have a cat and MIL/FIL aren't happy about the dog being left outside while we keep Cat shut inside).

However yes I do agree that if it is us visiting them then we get to stay as long as we like, also I don't have to worry about being the hostess like I do when they visit us!

So yes, as long as his Mum makes it clear that I am welcome over there and I know when it is ok for me to go over then I will make regular visits. No way do I want to interfere with their relationship with their grandchildren, just had hoped that OH would be a bit mroe understanding of the fact that it is more natural for me to want to see my family where I can relax properly and be able to say what I feel. MIL tends to 'baby' my toddler - mashes up her food still, carries here around on her hip (even while making hot drinks!) and gives her snacks without asking me if what she is giving her is ok for her to eat - you have to bite your tongue with the MIL whereas my Mum has always known to ask if it's ok to feed DD something before giving it to her!! It's the age-old MIL vs DIL scenario I guess - some things never seem to change!

Thanks for opinions and suggestions - good to know that I'm not being a completely unreasonable hormonal DIL!

skintchick

Well, I think you see them loads already!

My in-laws and parents live in Droitwich (I say this cos if you are from Worcester then you know where it is) and I made OH move from Worcester to live with me in south Oxfordshire when we got married, so we are now 100 miles away which takes up to 2 hours to drive.

MIL was used to seeing OH three times a week, whereas I see my parents about four times a year!

So you can imagine there is a big difference in what everyone expects.

I am due to have our baby in late July and we have gone up to visit quite a few times IMO although his mum thinks we don't go enough.

We always stay with my mum cos the ILs have no spare room, so we obviously see my parents a lot more in terms of time, and like you, I find the ILs slightly difficult to get on with and be myself with (she often moans to OH afterwards that I've aid something or done something which is actually just me!).

Personally, I have always refused to get into any kind of regular arrangement of seeing anyone, let alone parents and ILs, as I just don;t want the hassle of being expected to go on a certain day each week/month, so if I were you I'd keep it all ad hoc.

And it's OK to get them to come to you.

I also would tell your OH that his mum is being a bit unreasonable and that you won;t be blackmailed into visiting if you don;t want to.

Perhaps your OH could take the children over some weekends while you get time to yourself?

lizziebell*80

We live in Worcester too, but my parents live in Scotland and OH's parents live in Kent so we don't see anyone very often. So you see both sets very frequently if you ask me! If you have invited them over etc then you have made an effort with them, it was their choice not to come and you do/did visit regularly so if your OH wants you to make more effort then tell him that it shouldn't be a one-way street in that sense!

Colly_2

daphne_descends wrote: »

Would you agree to fortnightly visits?
The advantage of going to visit someone when you have a baby, rather than them visit you, is YOU are in control of when you turn up and when you leave. Worth it for me anyway!

I can appreciate how you feel but from her point of view she just wants to see her grandchildren and I think it can be very hard for MILs to say so without looking like interfering old witches. She may be a valuable babysitter one day and this is a good reason to make sure she bonds with the children too. Their relationship with her is an important one.

Very sensible advice IMHO. By the time they start school, trust me, children will never remember a single event from playgroup. I think most mums eventually recognise that mums got more social benefit from playgroups than the kids did :-) What children do remember, all their lives, is the special relationship they had with Granny and the ordinary little things they did with her at home.

floss2

You might find that when you have another baby you are more willing to have an extra pair of hands - whether they belong to your mum or your mum-in-law. Much as we all hope to be (and indeed some are) real "earth mother" types, it can be a tiring business coping with 2 children under 3.

Maybe you could arrange for her to come over 1 day a week to babysit the new little one while you do something with your daughter?

belfastgirl23

To be honest I don't think your MIL is being reasonable here. I do think it's great she wants to see more of the grandkids but I don't think it's exactly right that she prioritises their dog's needs over yours. And it does seem to me to be a big ask to expect someone to drive to see you with a 2 yo and a newborn in tow if you are perfectly capable of visiting them.

That said, I wouldn't push this too far, instead I would tell her that I'd love to see more of her but am worried about practicalities, particularly since you have to go to see your mum since she can't drive. So would she be prepared to take it turn about? In terms of how things are at yours, could you suggest that DMIL arrives and take the kids out with the dog for a walk if she's worried about your cat (thus giving you a precious few hours to yourself)? Or could you bear to put the cat in a travelling case for an hour or two if the worst came to the worst? I do think there are other ways around this that won't leave you feeling all fraught and cross.

And as for your DH, part of me is a bit cross with him It's very easy to dictate to someone else what they might or might not do. If I was in your shoes I would be telling him that perhaps he could take the kids (or just DD) over to visit his parents a bit more often giving you a bit of time to catch up around the house. Put a bit of the onus on him. See what he thinks...

Nicki

I'd also recommend thrashing out a deal in advance with MIL. I'm afraid I have no idea how far apart you live or how long a drive it is, but my first instinct would be to offer that you keep the weekend visits and that once a month she visits you on a pre-arranged day, and once a month you visit her on another pre-arranged day. Then you have a regular arrangement in place which you can work round. As for the dog, rules, etc, this is probably workable round using some of the suggestions others have made.

It does sound like this is a communication issue rather than anything else and once MIL knows she is wanted, that the other problems will fall into place. Hope so anyway! Good luck with new baby.