Divorce - Please Help

kiwichick

Hello Everyone,

I have this week decided to file for divorce from my husband of 9 years. He has been sexually abusive to me during the last 7 years which I have hated but put up with. We tried relate and he said all the right things but reverted to type within one week of stopping the sessions.

He has been under investigation by the police the last 4 weeks due to disclousre made by my daughters (4 and 7) about possible sexual abuse. They have cleared him but Social Services have called a Protection Confrence because although he has been cleared by the police they are worried about what the children may witness at home due to his behaviour towards me.

He has seen the children once in this time, friday night for an hour. He is due back to visit today and we are going to tell them we are seperating as I have finally had enough. I instructed a lawyer last week to begin the peition for divorce.

I dont know what to do next? Where do I go for financial advice in terms of benefits available to me, we have 3 children who will continue to live with me but we have a mortgage on our house and I cant see how on earth we can continue to pay that and rent for somewhere for my ex to live.

Has anyone been through a similar thing? I just dont know where to turn.

Thanks in advance,
Al x

Mollymop5

Hi , what an awful time you've had.CAB will be able to give you advice on benefits ect.I would suggest making an apointment there asap.Your Job Centre/ benefits agancy is another place who can help.
I think you're doing the right thing in making a clean break and wish you well.I'm sure there will be other's along soon with specific advice but I didn't want to just read and run.

xmaslolly76

Kiwi thats awfull im so glas you have found the strength to walk away. It will be hardbut you will come out the otherside a happier and stronger person. have you contacted any of the womens refuge/help groups. I dont have there details but someone off here wil no doubt kindly post them for you they can help you sort everything out and guide you through it all. Keep your head held high and know that you are doing the right thing for you and your girls good luck xx

foreign_correspondent

when you say cleared by the police, I presume you mean there is not enough evidence to charge him? This does not mean nothing happened, although I really hope it didn't.

Talk to women's aid for advice about getting things sorted for you and your kids. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Sorry this has happened to your family x

kiwichick

Hi All,

Many Thanks for your replies and advice.

I have managed to sort a couple of things out this morning. I've spoken to the council tax people to organise both a reduction in council tax and assistance in paying it.

I've tried and tried to get through to the DWP about Income Support but they are impossible to get hold of. I think I will just walk in to the Job Centre Plus and ask them.

I've also spoken to the Child Tax Credit people and made a new claim.

Things are happening slowly but surely.

Al x

kiwichick

Morning All,

Have been up 2 hours now, soon to be ex is frustrating me even in my sleep.

He been here every night to see the children and says he is coming every day over the weekend and will only go back to his b+b to sleep at about 9.30 at night. He says it is good for the children that he is here so much. I dont want to deprive him of the children or them of him but its so so hard having him here. I feel so uncomfortable the entire time and he doesnt make any effort anyway, he doesnt get up and play with them or read to them, he sits watching tv.

I'm going to call social services again today as they are going to confrence (whatever the heck that means) over my case. Hopefully they can advise me on how to handle ex???

Al x

MrsTinks

Try social services but do also speak to http://www.womensaid.org.uk/. And frankly I'd think it was better for your children to only see him under controlled circumstances and not every night in your home where you feel under threat...

Womens Aid btw have an online "handbook" which is linked on that page - you might find it helpful

Taye

Breath sweetie breath...

been there done that, i've been in your position and it IS survivable, i finanally had enough of my husband when my son was 2 and i was preganant with my 2nd it's possibly the SCARIEST thing i had to do in my life, it's hard you know they are jerks you know they are no good for you or your family but the thought of bieng without them is overwhelming, what are you going to do how are you going to survive?

but it is doable just stay strong! you are doing what is right for you and right for your kids and i won't pretend it won't be hard but you'll end up a stronger happier person at the end of it.

Ok firstly get in touch wth womens aid seriously they where SUper they gave me everything i needed to know.

secondly, he's gone stop thinking about it in terms of how are you going to afford to pay for the house and his rent, screw his rant let him deal with it if he lives in a shoe box it's not your problem, he should pay child maintenance so get that sorted asap, either make any arrangement with him directly of how much he's going to give you or see the CSA about it but don't let him fob you off with "i can't afford it" it's not your problem, it should end up bieng about 1/3rd of his wages which is quite a chunk.

with all his visiting etc it sounds like he's not taking this seriously, or he's just making you know that he's not that easy to get rid of. Sit him down stay strong and make arrangements with him about when he can visit the kids tell him you don't want him in the house at any other time, you have things to sort out legally and you can't have him coming in and out, ask women's aid for advice normally i would suggest telling him he can take them out to the park on a saturaday if he wants (ie get him out of the house so he's not sitting there) but obviously with the issue with your daughters you rightly don't want to risk sending them off with him, as i said ring womens aid they should be able to advice they deal with this sort of thing all the time.

Secondly do you work?? if you do get in touch with child tax credit and working family's tax credit and put a claim in based on your sole wages, if they already give you money they should bump it up quite abit now your on your own.

Lastly go thought the housdehold bills get rid of anything you don't 100% need, sky, extra phones ... anything you don't 100% need reduce those outgoing as much as possible as fast as possible.

Women's aid can also help out with financial advice etc so i stress to contact them straight away i know i said it already but they where really great so DO IT!!!

Lastly have a bath wash your face put some makeup on, breath chill you are a strong strong woman and you CAN do this.

Kicking my abusive husband out of the house and my life, was THE hardest thing i ever ever had to do, and 7 years later my life is hard i grant, but it's so much better my kids are healthy and happy and i know it was the right thing to do.

Pssst

OMG..!

Are you "safe" in the house with him when he visits?

KellyWelly

Do you think you could tell him no, he can't come and sit in your home all day and he can only visit at pre-arranged set times?

I think social services (who obviously see him as some sort of threat) will take a dim view of you letting him dictate all this to you and of you letting him set terms that don't suit you because they may see it as you are not able to protect your children and yourself from an abusive partner.

To me it seems like he thinks he's just stopping the night elsewhere and still living in the family home?

Personally, I would say to him he can come over at X o'clock until Y o'clock and I wouldn't let him come over after 6 or 7pm. You have to have boundaries.

Pee

I think you should speak to your solicitor.

It is just not practical for him to come round and watch tv and then go elsewhere to sleep. Does he expect you to cook his tea?

Do you feel able to leave the children with him? Otherwise should you be looking at supervised contact? It is good that you are willing for him to have a lot of contact with the children, and that is important because whatever else, he is there father, but you do need to have your own boundaries, too.

I should think women's aid could assist with that, too.