Problems with Stepson

gibboelli

I have no experience in this so I just speak from the heart and my opinion! But I have plenty of experience living with an awful parent so when I speak about that, I know what I'm talking about.

Your son sounds like a great kid just with some difficulties that need addressing. Though they dont seem too horrific and beyond hope to me! I know how he'd feel with trying councilling, my father sat in on our sessions so I didnt say a word as he was the problem and I knew I'd have to pay for what I said when we got home. Is there a way at all that he can insist his mother leaves? I cant remember personally, it was so long ago!

You sound a brilliant step mum to have, an open door policy is wonderful. I honestly and truly believe that any kid can learn to cope with their issues just by having someone who will listen and doesnt judge them.

Perhaps you should have an adult discussion with him and see what his dream scenario would be and then you can work from there with what would be obtainable or not?

SmellyOldSock

once again thank you all for your replies.

a social worker has been round to his mums this morning, to ask questions about back ground and stuff. they have been made aware that he sees us as often as he likes and we are all in regular contact.

i think another visit is arranged. At the mo stepson is unaware. Hubbie has tried to talk to him but he just keeps laughting about it. I'll try over the next couple of days.

Thank you all for your kind words, its nice to know I have people to turn to

Charlotte

shazrobo

hi charlotte, i have twin boys with adhd, so can really sympathise with your family. your stepson is old enough to be able to have councelling without a parent being there.
if the boy does attack his mum tho, i would back her in calling the police, no child should be allowed to attack their parents. i had to get police involved with one of my lads, was so very hard emotionally at the time, but looking back, i'm glad i did it, because he now realises the conseuences to his behaiour, and has learnt his lesson, he was not just violent with me but also staff at school.
now just to get my other lad sorted

SmellyOldSock

Just a quick update. Stepson is coming over tonight and staying all over half term. I spoke to him last night and he was well happy with the arrangment!

He's been alot better towards his mum, which is a relief, and his siblings.

Will let you know how I get on!

take care

mrcow

Good luck with that!

Have you got anything planned?

bank_of_slate

Does he blame his Mum for the divorce and takes it out on her?
...Linda xx

claireac

Hi,

I don't have any experience of ADHD, but I do of teenage boys! In fact you could have been describing my youngest at 14 (he's now 18).

When he "lost it" he would lash out at me, throw furniture and punched and kicked holes in my walls and doors. The most worrying thing for me was that I'd left his Dad due to violence and worried he was going the same way.

I found school and social services most helpful. SS sent him on anger management course which helped him learn how to deal with his anger. I also arranged for some counselling for him from a local crisis centre - I have to say I feel this is the best thing I could have done!! The counsellor happened to be a well known and respected local policeman, and although the counselling & police was totally seperate, I think it helped for ds to realise that that kind of behaviour could have serious consequences for him.

Just to add, ds is now 18, in his 2nd year at college and working part time in Tesco - I couldn't be prouder of him.

Good luck, I'm sure a steady environment and some extra help will go a long way.

carefullycautious

Maybe its as simple as him preferring you and his dads method of parenting to his mums. He probably cant say to her that he would rather be with you and his dad and thats why he shows anger. Just a thought

SmellyOldSock

Just a quick update. My Stepson has been with us for over a week. We've had a lovely week, he's been well behaved, polite, helpful, everything I could ask for!

He needed top-up for his mobile, his mum wouldn't put it on for him due to his behaviour, so we came to an arrangement, where he helped me 2 mornings and earnt his top-up.

We also got his haircut, again his mum wouldn't due to his behaviour, and he seems to appreciate all we've done/doing for him. Unfortunately he is going back tonight, so in a few hours he'll probably kick off! I'm hoping I'm wrong!

He has had no contact with his mum or sisters, his choice, but he knows the phone is there.

I'm going to miss him!

anguk

I'm probably speaking out of line here and will be wrong but just playing devils advocate I can see why it may be difficult for his mum at times. He's behaved badly and violently towards her and his sisters so she has punished him by not paying for his mobile top-up or a haircut. He's then come to stay with you and you've given him the haircut and the top-up (granted he had to earn that).

As I've said I may be wrong but kids aren't daft, he'll soon learn that he can behave badly with his mum but then come to your house and you give him what his mum has said he can't have. It's almost like one parent saying no and the other saying yes, and all that happens then is one parent becomes the bad guy and the other good.

I can understand it's a difficult situation, I know you all just want the best for the lad and it's good that you all communicate but I do think that both sides of the family may need to come to some agreement about what is or isn't allowed and agree that any punishments/rewards are backed by both sides.

Again sorry if I'm wrong but I'm just trying to see things from both sides, and I can see how it must be hard for the mum if the lad just sees her as the bad guy.