Problems with Stepson

SmellyOldSock

Sorry if this is in the wrong place.

My stepson is 14yrs old, he has ADHD. I received a telephone call from his mum yesterday saying that he is very aggressive towards her and his sisters, he's tried to set fire to a bed, destroys everything and anything. I found this a shock, as his behaviour here is not like that at all.

She's called in social workers and his doctors for ADHD as she is scared for her and the girls safety.

With us he is kind and caring. He is not perfect (wouldn't want him to be) but we don't see that behaviour. My 3 younger children adore him, and he is brillant with them.

My husband is astounded by this. We are aware he is aggressive towards his mum, and have suggested councilling for his anger, but she insisted on sitting in so nothing was achieved.

I'm worried that he'll be taken away from her and we won't be given a chance to have our say and have him with us. She's reported brusing to her GP and next time he hurts her is calling the police.

Has anyone got any idea what we can do to prevent this happening?

I've said he can live with us, not a problem, but he would have to change schools, which she isn't keen on him doing. Also not sure how he would handle going to a school where he doesn't know anyone, and also would they take him, due to his problems. He is not a nasty child, he's angry and needs help, she just winds him up (very much like her and my hubbie, can understand why they divorced!) and I don't want him to become a 'problem' child when all he needs is understanding.

I also find it hard as only a stepmum I don't have any rights to him, but I look at them all as my own, and I will always be here for them all. She is keeping us informed, and I have said that I will attend any meetings etc to support her as well as to help him. It must be awful for her to be living like that.

any advice would be appreciated

Charlotte

mrcow

What about proposing a trial?

Nothing set in stone. Just a couple of weeks and see how things get on. And an agreement to review what everyone thinks after that time. Do you think she'd be willing to at least agree to talk about it - not to make any hard and/or fast decisions - even if it just breaks the current cycle of mounting anger and aggression and gives both her and him a break from what is happening, then it would be a start?

McKneff

Cant help, i'm afraid, just wanted to say what a lovely person you are. He is presumably angry with his mum and probably doesnt know why. Teenage hormones are raging and like you say, he needs help and understanding and his mother isnt doing it.

My grandson was just like this, ended up in foster care with a lady like yourself, 5 years ago, best thing that could have happened to him. He is now a well adjusted young man, works as a gardener, goes to college.
good luck

Pee

It's great you want to help, and it sounds like it is just what he needs.

To be a bit more negative, you may find that you have the same difficulties with him once he moves in and settles down and I wonder if you should discuss with your husband what your respective attitudes will be if that is the case. (I hope that it won't be.)

90% of the time treating someone with patience and respect pays dividends.

SmellyOldSock

many thanks for the replies.

18 months ago he kicked off at home, trashed his room, broke a mirror and cut himself badly. My hubbie went and picked him up and he stayed with us for 2 weeks. I was able to take him to school (its 20 miles away) as my little ones weren't old enough to go so I wasn't tied.

During his time with us he was his usual self, the only time we had a problem was when he had to do history homework and that was because its is weakest subject.

I not saying we're the answer to all his problems, we're not, but I do feel we could give him a good base to grow from and learn from.

we've agreed for him to come for half term week, so he realises he'll be with me more than his dad. I don't want him doing this because he thinks he'll have more time with his dad, he won't.

Mojisola

If the half-term week goes okay, could he also stay with you over the summer holidays? That would give everyone a breathing space. If his behaviour is much better when he is with you, then the social workers, doctors and (maybe) his Mum will see that the problem isn't his but to do with family dynamics.

I would make enquiries about schools local to you and visit some to see how they are handling children with similar needs to your stepson. It always helps to have a back-up plan and, if you leave it too late, the schools will be shut for the summer.

Susan_Frost

If you are willilng to have him, and he wants to come, I would have thought at 14 he has his own choice and Social Services, or whoever, would abide by that.

Changing schools would be easier now than another year when he is further towards his key exams.

tryingtodobetter

Maybe if Social Services are involved they could arrange transport from your house to his school so that there would be no need to change.

Good Luck.

SmellyOldSock

Once again thank you for your replies.

my stepchildren are over nearly every weekend, school hols etc, this is there choice, I have a 'open' home. They are my family too, so they should be able to come here whenever.

What I'm worried about is the Social Workers etc won't talk to us, won't consider us because of the younger children. his mum seems to think he'd beat them up too. As yet we've only ever had the usual sibling quarrels!

I'll keep you all updated, am picking him up this afternoon, so we'll see how he is.

thank you

fsdss

just a quick post as i must dash, but didn't to ignore.

if you are willing to take in your stepson, considering his problems, my suggestion would be to make ground rules before he enters the home, sit down with him and decide what's expected and what's not allowed, he must be involved in this input and write those expectations down on a large visible print that can be stuck to the fridge etc, such as helping with tea (2 points), trying with his homework (5 points), helping with the children (5 points)
for each day he must attain so many points from that list (bonus points for a complete day of good behaviour), that can be saved and can be exchanged into a reward (such as bowling 40pts, skatepark 30pts, cinema, 40pts, swimming 20 pts, later night up 20pts).

remember to really praise each point achievement.

with adhd, one thing that really seems to work with the parents i work with is the additional supplements of omega oils in the diet, there is a significant difference in the behaviour and more calmness in the home, in fact i have never had a parent say that this makes no difference, and i have worked in this field for 7 years.

Zazen999

Surely the SS are going to talk to the father before they take any action?

What about your husband contacting them himself? And putting the other side across and asking to have him. It sounds like he would love it with you.