Introducing new girlfriend

mum26

I agree, it is a bit soon. Also, perhaps he will understand your point of view more if you ask him that when you meet someone new what sort of time frame does he think is suitable for you to introduce your children to your new man? Perhaps between you you can agree a time - a year?

Lots of dads seem to fall into the trap of spending their access time not with the children alone but with the children plus which ever girlfriend is in the frame at the time.

newbienortherner

Thanks for all your replies. I don't think I would want to meet her, I mentioned me meeting her in passing to my ex and he visibly paled so I don't think he is very keen on me meeting her either.

I have no particular hatred of her, i understand it is he who was unfaithful and am certainly not blaming her for the affair, my ex can be very persuasive when he wants to be and is also a very good liar. My worry is that my ex also throws himself into everything at full speed and will be so keen to progress this new romance he will inadvertently cause upset to my kids.

When I tried to discuss this rationally with him, he wouldn't even consider the idea that they would not be together forever and that other girlfriends my have to be introduced at some point.

They have only actually been official for a month as she left her partner at the end of March. i just think it is all a bit quick to be introducing her. I also worry that should things not work out, my boys may end up bonding with her and then she will not be in their lives anymore. It is quite possible that no matter what I say he will simply wait until he has them for a weekend and meet up with her, so I guess I will just have to hope he is sensitive to their feelings.

Do you think I should forewarn my 4 year old that Daddy has a new girlfriend or is it better to introduce her as a friend, if they do meet I don't want to confuse or upset him but if he asks I don't want to lie.

Quackers

newbienortherner wrote: »

Do you think I should forewarn my 4 year old that Daddy has a new girlfriend or is it better to introduce her as a friend, if they do meet I don't want to confuse or upset him but if he asks I don't want to lie.

I think that 'daddy's friend' is all it needs to be for now. I dont think you need to mention it to your son at all - Its daddy's friend so I dont see why you should be mentioning it to your son first.

Hopefully your EX will have the same opinion.

You will not be able to stop this happening so I think its important that you try to remain on good terms if possible with your EX for the sake of the children. If you can remain friendly with him & explain your concerns rationally and calmly with suggestions and ideas on how it can work then hopefully he will listen.

My girls were teenagers when we split and even though I was ready to stab my EX in the eye with a pencil (along with several other MSE members :rotfl:) we stay on good terms 99% of the time for the girls - its important to be able to discuss any worries/concerns etc with each other. My girls spend every other weekend with their Dad & half of the school hols - its important to me that we still 'sing from the same hym sheet' whenever possible.

SmellyOldSock

Hi, you know your children better than anyone, so go with your gut feeling.

My hubbie and ex spilt long before I came on the scene. She asked to meet me as I would be spending time with her children which is fair play, she wanted to know who her children would be around.

As a parent myself now, I would want to meet the other person, so I knew who my children are with, and i respect my hubbies ex for doing it. My step children where 9yrs, 7yrs and 4 yrs when i met them, we've had ups and downs, but our relationship now is great.

the youngest one is now 11yrs nearly 12yrs and she is the one that has been affected by her parents spilt more than anyone because onbody explained anything and she didn't understand.

You're doing a great job, children are resilent, and i'm sure you'll come to the right decision for your family.

best wishes
Charlotte

fatpiggy

If your ex is adamant about the children meeting his girlfriend, why not have him say, take them to the park for a picnic and the the g/f "happens" to walk by and stop to talk? If the children ask, then she is someone their dad knows. It will all seem very casual, just like bumping in someone on the street, which they must have come across before. Obviously the stopping to talk bit would have to be quite brief. Once the children put a name to her face, maybe she could be "invited" to join them on another trip as a friend, and so on.

Pssst

amersall wrote: »

hi there, sorry to hear this. i am very hot headed and i would put my foot down, (i would cut his b***s off) they can meet her on your terms when you think the time is right, i think its too soon personally and i would want my children to come to terms with him leaving first, they should feel comfortable with the situation before the meeting takes place.i wish you luck with this and sorry i wasnt a bit more constructive.

No no...ive got a better idea. Instead of acting like a vindictive woman whos husband has slipped the leash,why not ask the kids what they think? I mean,the kids come first dont they? Lets not assume we know what they feel comfortable with.

galvanizersbaby

Pssst wrote: »

No no...ive got a better idea. Instead of acting like a vindictive woman whos husband has slipped the leash,why not ask the kids what they think? I mean,the kids come first dont they? Lets not assume we know what they feel comfortable with.

What a harsh unkind post
The kids are 18 months and 4 - it's the responsibility of the parents to protect them and do what's right by them at this young age.

OP - you don't come across as vindictive to me - you have every right to feel hurt - and I am sure you have your boys best interests at heart.
But your hurt aside you know your children best but to me it's a bit soon to be introducing dad's new friend as a 'girlfriend' after such a short time especially if you are aware things are still very unsettled.

I think if it were me I would want to meet her first if my children were likely to be spending time with her.

If she is going to be long term for your ex I can't see that it would hurt to wait until things were a bit more settled with the boys before meeting her.

Jokaty82

Pssst wrote: »

No no...ive got a better idea. Instead of acting like a vindictive woman whos husband has slipped the leash,why not ask the kids what they think? I mean,the kids come first dont they? Lets not assume we know what they feel comfortable with.

I think you need to get a bit of a grip, the children are far too young to make the decision themselves, so the OP has to make the decision for them. At the end of the day it is very soon, he has to ensure she is a stable part of his life, as the kids end up meeting all and sundry.

My friend was in a similar situation, and although you can not use your children as a weapon, your ex needs to realise that the children are only just coming to terms with mum and dad not living together, I fear they wont understand this new persons role so soon.

Pssst

OK OK...but you have to agree there is at least a hint or danger of a scorned woman seeking to get one up on her ex partner?

It usually goes that way,kids end up being footsoldiers in a battle not of their making.

galvanizersbaby

Pssst wrote: »

OK OK...but you have to agree there is at least a hint or danger of a scorned woman seeking to get one up on her ex partner?

It usually goes that way,kids end up being footsoldiers in a battle not of their making.

I can't see one in the OP's original post personally - I think your posts on subject of women/marriage/relationships in general are just predictable

She admits she has been hurt and that she is worried she can't be objective (thus her post on here) - she is only human she is allowed to still feel hurt after her relationship breaks up in this way surely even you could understand that ?

She is upfront and honest about her feelings and what comes across to me is she seems genuinely concerned about her sons and keen to avoid the opposite of what you appear to be suggesting

I guess we all interpret things differently