Introducing new girlfriend

newbienortherner

I know this is not strictly moneysaving but I need some objective advice...

My husband left me at the end of January, saying he wanted to be on his own but it turned out pretty quickly that he had been having an affair with a woman who lives two hours away from here.

He has continued to see our 4 year and 18 month old sons every week and he been consistent with child suppport since he left. He has now said he wants to introduce his girlfriend to my boys at the end of this month.

I think this is way too soon as the 4 year old, in particular, is still very hurt that we are not living together and still asks him to move back in, however I am worried that I can't be that objective as this is the woman he left me for and I am still livid with both of them.

I just need your opinions on whether you think this is too soon and what, if any, restrictions I should place on her access to them. I have never met this woman and only know what my husband has told me about her.

I am desperately trying to be civil but am obviously very hurt as my ten year relationship has ended quite suddenly and he seems intent on 'moving on' with this new person. I am also very worried as to how this will affect my sons who have already been hurt by what has happened.

Thanks in advance

amersall

hi there, sorry to hear this. i am very hot headed and i would put my foot down, (i would cut his b***s off) they can meet her on your terms when you think the time is right, i think its too soon personally and i would want my children to come to terms with him leaving first, they should feel comfortable with the situation before the meeting takes place.i wish you luck with this and sorry i wasnt a bit more constructive.

HopeAndDriftWood

I think its far too soon.
Can you sit down and talk to him about it civilly?
If your four year old still expects daddy to come home, he is not ready to meet daddys new girlfriend, and doing so could badly affect him.
I think maybe he has forgotten how hard on them it will be, and is expecting happy families straight away.

Ask him to consider how they are feeling, and hopefully he will. He should understand that the idea needs to be introduced to them slowly.

You are being perfectly objective, you have to look after your boys.

Jo_R_2

I remember having similar feelings when my ex wanted to introduce his new girlfriend to our DDs after we broke up. That was really soon after he moved out - I had my feelings something may have been going on before we split up but he says not - and I too felt it was too soon.

My DDs then were 3 and about 10 months and DD1 seemed relatively okay with what had happened but I felt cautious because of how serious my ex and his gf had gotten so quickly and was worried she could be the first in a string of women and didn't want them to feel confused or for it to affect how secure they felt with the separate daddy/mummy situation.

I explained nicely to my ex who understood but was still keen. In the end after holding off I said okay, only for the big day to be absolutely a mess when his gf freaked out, backed out and he handed the girls back to go back to her:mad:

Needless to say I was livid, but things have settled down, my ex got married to this woman and things are okay now. That's how it happened for us, so personally I don't think you're unreasonable, I think at the very least you're being honest about how you feel and the reasons behind that, but sometimes you do have to be upfront with yourself and put your feelings aside for what is best for the kids in the long run.

The main issue here to me is your oldest son. With it being quite soon after things have happened, I think he does need time to deal with it, not necessarily be happy with things but be as accepting as a 4 year old can. This might take some time, and there's no harm for his dad to conduct his relationship AWAY from the boys - if it is lasting then there's all the time in the world for the boys to meet this woman.

However... at the end of the day you can't control what his dad will or won't do when he has the boys, but the least you can ask for is that he takes your feelings into account and lets you know of his intentions regarding it, and you can at least be prepared for 'counselling' your DS if his dad should decide it's what he wants to do regardless.

Btw what have you said to your sons about why you broke up, out of interest?

newbienortherner

We have both told our four year old that we love him very much but don't want to live with each other anymore. He has accepted this although his dad went on about us arguing less which backfired a bit as my very bright 4 year old pointed out that we didn't really argue that much, scuppering his dad's excuse for leaving.

I haven't told my son that my ex has someone else as he is very sensitive and has taken a while to settle down after the initial upset of his dad going.

think_about_it

Hi newbienortherner,

These situations are always fraught with problems, and like other posters have said It sounds like you are doing a grand job for your kids, despite your own feelings and hurt towards your ex.

Your ex has to introduce this new person slowly to your children This will allow them to trust and still feel wanted and loved by dad, which Im sure he does. The new partner has to see that the time the children have with their dad is very special, and in the fullness of time, she too has a role to play in ensuring that nothing comes in the way of this, herself included.

It is a bewildering time for children, but they are very adaptable as long as adults take their thoughts and feelings into consideration. Ask your ex to have due consideration of this, if he wishes to introduce this new person can it be in a situation that dad and children meet first and then join this person for lunch in a restaurant or similar, or to go to an event together, allowing time before and after for one to one reflection.

By building things up this way, trust will grow, its so much better than bringing them to a house with dad and his new partner who are sitting very cosy, feeling quite comfortable with themselves, but leaving the children feeling very confused.

newbienortherner there will be many an up and down in this situation but you remain to be the great mum that you are and good luck for the future:T

angelicmary85

Hiya,

I'm not in a position to offer any advice as this has never happened to me but I didn't just want to read and run!

It sounds as though your ex's relationship could be serious if he left you for this other woman so would it be at all benefical if you were to meet her 1st?

As you have mentioned, your 4year old is sensitive and you know yourself that it would be unfair to upset him but perhaps you could try explaining the situation (I really wouldn't know how to go about that though!) then you could be there when she meets your sons?

It would be horrible for your ex if they didn't like her but at least you'd be there to support your oldest son.

belfastgirl23

Well I did have some experience of this as a child. I was always introduced to the girlfriends as 'daddy's friend' and there was NO hand holding, kissing, or any other type of indication that the person was more than just one of his friends. Often I'd meet them in the context of being part of a bigger group as well. This did work well in one way since I didn't get overly attached and there wasn't the risk of repeated abandonment. But the first time I saw him kissing one of them (by accident, I got up to get water in the middle of the night) I did freak out pretty majorly. And there was no one to share it with, I knew I couldn't tell my mum and I didn't want to admit it to anyone else. So that's the downside.

Personally I do think that three months is too little time though. I wonder about saying to your ex that you'd rather leave it six months to let the children get over it. And also maybe not make a big deal at all about this person being anyone special to him or whatever.

The other thing is that I do remember our eventual stepmother being very laid back with us. she was a teacher and was used to kids and knew enough not to make a big fuss at all, just to let us be. And that also worked.

Anyway I don't know if any of that helps but just thought I'd share the experiences. Good luck. You're probably going to feel worried either way so the best thing is to try to listen to your instincts...

MyRubyRed

This has not happened to my either but I sympathise with you. Whilst you are obviously hurt and angry you still have your kids best interest at heart.
I do feel your kids are too young to understand what is going on and I think your husband is being insensitive to that. He should be spending the time he has with them aloneto reassure them that he loves them and that they are precious to him. This should happen without the girlfriend in tow at least until they grasp the split and are a little more settled.
Wishing you all the luck in the world ....and you do know you are better off without the b.
xx

Valli

When my DS and DD were introduced to their dad's GF (and they were older) DD didn't twig on that she was a GF she thought just a friend. They came home, DS walked in and said 'we've met dad's GF'..DD went BALLISTIC - couldn't cope; tears, distressed, the lot. As I didn't 'know' he had a GF (well HE hadn't told me) I phoned him and asked him to speak to DD. He accused me of 'winding her up to get at him and playing mind games'.
I told him that was a load of rubbish - but I couldn't discuss his relationship as I knew nothing of it so he needed to tell his daughter what the situation was...
anyway he ended up living with her, they split up, he met another with whom he didn't live and is now living with the third...we split up in 2004!

How would he feel OP if you brought a new man home? I personally think it's too soon, like Jo ^^^

swiss69

This is a very sensitive subject. I can understand your anger and probably hatred of this woman. Unfortunately women tend to blame the other woman whilst secretly hoping that the cheating ex will come back to them and therefore dont put too much blame on him in fear that it will push him further away. For all you know he could have been spinning her a lie before the truth came out so its difficult to totally blame her.

It is now 4 months since he officially started seeing this woman but he could have been seeing her for much longer however painful this may be for you.

I think you need to think how you will be if or when you meet someone. How quickly would you want to introduce your new man to the kids, as it will happen one day. If you make him wait a year then its not really on for you to do it after 3 months is it. This could cause you problems as trying to get sitters etc to rebuild your life will be much more difficult.

I would sit him down and ask him how serious he is with this woman, To me if you are going to let him after say 6 months then 2 months earlier is not going to make much difference. Your baby wont really know whats going on and if he handles it carefully then the 4 years old will adapt.

If she has kids then I would say its a totally different matter as this could cause confusion to your children and I would say wait longer.

I would disagree with you meeting this woman. You will hate her, probably compare yourself to her and it could make you feel worse. She has got years of proving to you that she is good with your kids before she deserves that recognition.

In the meantime try to get on with your life however difficult that may be, Marriage breaking up is awful and affects the way you think and behave for the rest of your life. You will bounce back though and be happy again!

Good luck