when do men not listen to their other halves...

Deals_2

i keep mentioning things that i say will happen if he does not sort it out. where i can i try and do things but there also comes a stage where i am fed up. then the things i tell him will happen do happen such as him driving too fast and he will get a ticket etc etc.

i do love him, we have a child toghether but i find that he has no notion of anything and i find he is dragging my daughter and i down. Any money i try to earn etc i find he can waste at his end and i have to keep bailing him out. This has been going on for a long time but as we have a daughter together i did not want to harm the relationship for her sake but i feel i cannot take anymore of it all.

i know he wants to do his "own" thing but even though as a friend of mine told me she just gets on with her own life i am finding this very very hard. when does he not listen at all..? i am not askign him to agree with everythign i say but a bit of it would also be the start. this has been affecting our livelihood since we have been toghether. what to do? i am at my wits end. thanks in advance.

busiscoming2

Deals - he sounds very selfish and immature to me. Perhaps if you keep on at him, he just construes it as 'nagging' and takes no notice. As you now have a child together he has to start being responsible, can you not sit him down and calmly tell him how you see things and how it is dragging you down?
As for him wanting to do his 'own' thing, what does he mean by this? Is this just the occasional thing he wants to do alone or is it how he wants to live his life, which is totally unfair to you and your little one. He needs to understand his responsibilities, being a parent makes you look at things long term, he needs to wise up to this.

Deals_2

go through things. i am not sure what to do next. he does not want to leave as he knows that i have always got him out of everythign - his parents dont even help him but i am drained and worn out and cannot take it anymore. i am trying to ignore it adn just get on with my things but i find it hard to do this when i see things happening in front of my eyes. it has now put our livelihood on the brink and i am finding it very very hard to deal with and i feel very alone and not sure who to talk to about it. i also find it very difficult to be affectionate now though obviously i have feelings.

busiscoming2 wrote: »

Deals - he sounds very selfish and immature to me. Perhaps if you keep on at him, he just construes it as 'nagging' and takes no notice. As you now have a child together he has to start being responsible, can you not sit him down and calmly tell him how you see things and how it is dragging you down?
As for him wanting to do his 'own' thing, what does he mean by this? Is this just the occasional thing he wants to do alone or is it how he wants to live his life, which is totally unfair to you and your little one. He needs to understand his responsibilities, being a parent makes you look at things long term, he needs to wise up to this.

Savvy_Sue

deals, you seem to post this kind of thing at regular intervals. Have you thought of going to Relate? If he won't, you can go by yourself, and it may help you work out whether you want to carry on like this if he doesn't change.

Deals_2

but know need to chat to someone otherwise.

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

deals, you seem to post this kind of thing at regular intervals. Have you thought of going to Relate? If he won't, you can go by yourself, and it may help you work out whether you want to carry on like this if he doesn't change.

Emmzi

Deals,

if you keep threatening stuff, and it never happens, what message are you sending him/ "Do what the hell you like, I'll moan, but it won't really make a difference."

Time for a holiday for you + kids at a friend or relatives I think, while you get some space to think it over, and him to see what life is like without you.

Buddingblonde

Savy_Su is right - if this is a frequent problem this isnt the place for it. You need proper relationship advice.

It is likely that you actually know what you want to do about it but you cannot bring yourself to make the changes. You cannot change him, you can only change what you put up with.

yoni_one

Deals, your issues with your partner sound nearly the same as mine with my 18 year old son.

I know just what you mean about struggling to stand back and let them walk in to a fire that it would seem only you can see, and its even worse when you have pointed out the fire and they STILL walk in to it, and when they do, you need to be nearby with the extinguisher.

I think we both know deep down that we are just enabling them to carry on without them learning the full consequence of their actions on their own.

After recognising that bailing my son out time after time was actually counterproductive I have finally found the strength to let him deal with these things on his own, at 18 he is a big boy now.

An example is that he continually used to get up late in the morning and miss his train for college, he would then rely on me for a lift and I was so concerned about his education I obliged (even at the cost of it making me late for work some days). I was really angry with him and me that I started to say no. Once he started paying the real consequence of missing lessons at a really important time of his school year AND losing his EMA money - he made way more effort to make sure he gets up in time.

He was horrible to live with at first, blaming me for potentially failing his exams and having no money for the train fare, but when he saw I was adamant he got on with it.

I'm really sorry to say this but your relationship with your husband will only continue to be more like that of mother and son for as long as you allow it (your post indicates you know this already).

I know the problem is that his mess has an impact on you and your child, but if you no longer mop it up he will have to learn how to do it himself, which I think is what you want anyway isn't it?

Deals_2

thanks everyone.

yoni_one wrote: »

Deals, your issues with your partner sound nearly the same as mine with my 18 year old son.

I know just what you mean about struggling to stand back and let them walk in to a fire that it would seem only you can see, and its even worse when you have pointed out the fire and they STILL walk in to it, and when they do, you need to be nearby with the extinguisher.

I think we both know deep down that we are just enabling them to carry on without them learning the full consequence of their actions on their own.

After recognising that bailing my son out time after time was actually counterproductive I have finally found the strength to let him deal with these things on his own, at 18 he is a big boy now.

An example is that he continually used to get up late in the morning and miss his train for college, he would then rely on me for a lift and I was so concerned about his education I obliged (even at the cost of it making me late for work some days). I was really angry with him and me that I started to say no. Once he started paying the real consequence of missing lessons at a really important time of his school year AND losing his EMA money - he made way more effort to make sure he gets up in time.

He was horrible to live with at first, blaming me for potentially failing his exams and having no money for the train fare, but when he saw I was adamant he got on with it.

I'm really sorry to say this but your relationship with your husband will only continue to be more like that of mother and son for as long as you allow it (your post indicates you know this already).

I know the problem is that his mess has an impact on you and your child, but if you no longer mop it up he will have to learn how to do it himself, which I think is what you want anyway isn't it?

misgrace

Emmzi wrote: »

Deals,

if you keep threatening stuff, and it never happens, what message are you sending him/ "Do what the hell you like, I'll moan, but it won't really make a difference."

.

I agree with Emmzi, its the 'cry wolf story', a lot of the times you sit down and talk, explain things, but it goes in one ear and out the next.
Sometimes when all the talking has failed, and your still getting nowhere, 'a short sharpe shock' might be the answer, or you will have to split.
It will drag you down, consume you, you will become resentful, and this can have a domino effect on you and your child.

Basically, you either put up with it, or you get out.

Pssst

OP.have you not read "The Surrendered wife" ?

It teaches women how to enrich their own lives and relationships by ceasing the females' natural instinct to control and manipulate her man as if he was her property and/or an accessory to her life.