12yr old wants to cut down access

tanith

Thanks everyone for the helpful suggestions.. but most of what you have come up with we have already tried.... ie: the grandmother is usually the only approachable one and seems to agree with what the child says but what goes on in the background we don't know, also varying the weekend access has been tried but he then wants his 'lost time' back in the holidays....

As for him taking the other kids too , thats an absolute nono , not only would my daughter not allow it in any circumstances especially the baby , but the Dad would absolutely not want to even take the other kids to the park never mind give Mum a break..... its just his own child he wants.... he spent 5yrs trying to get full custody of her but the court would not let her be taken away from her brother on a full time basis.... so they have shared custody

Standing up to them is the best answer and she does try,bless her , but they wear her down with phone calls , she just wants a peaceful life and not have all this stress between her family members... she has a school mentor whom she can talk to about all this stuff who is completely impartial of course and seems to be able to give her good counselling... I just want to go and shake him till he sees what he is doing to her , but of course I keep those thoughts to myself :mad:

mummysaver

This is a terrible situation for your grand-daughter. I can only echo other people's advice about contacting the original solicitor or CAB, and if nobody has done it already, please make the school aware of what is happening, as they then may give her a little more leeway if she is moody or difficult, they should also be made aware so that she cannot be pestered at school.

From what you have said, no doubt it will end up back in court for a revised custody/visiting order. I'm pretty certain that your grand-daughter's views will be taken into account, and I'm sure that a solicitor would be able to confirm this. Perhaps it would be best to find out about changing access/joint custody as it looks as though this will be the only thing that makes her father realise that she is growing up.

andycarmi

Hi Sorry to read about your problem. As Dad only lives a few miles away could you not trade the weekend for say 1-2 nights during the week? What If they spend time after school? Would that be a Reasonable compromise?

Good Luck.

jockettuk

[QUOTE=ceegee_I_am_very_suspicious_about_why_a_grown_man_is_still_living_with_his_parents._I_am_also_wondering_how_much_of_an_influence_his_parents_are_exerting_in_this_situation.[/QUOTE] mabey he is living with his parents because he cant afford a home of his own.

op i would suggest you go to mediation you can do this on your own or through a solicitor.. you can all sit round including your daughter and tell each other how you all feel or even you can all go individually and the mediator can let her dad know how she feels. even telling him that once a fortnight would be the best, they can also put a report for court if it went that far.

as for the school incident i would inform the school that as they upset her last time that they are to have no contact with your daughter during school time,

I would if it was me change your phone number get your daughter a mobile phone and tell him thats the only way he can talk to her, that way she can choose to answer his calls or txt messages.

Im moving away from my daughters dad in a few months and we have come to a agreement but im sure that in the future one or other of them will want to change the plans and we have all agreed that its what my daughter wants thats the most important.

good luck and hang in there.

TIGs

Have you thought of helping her to write a letter to her dad explaining that she loves him very much and always will nothing will change that but she now wants to spend some time with mum and friends too. Explain that all her other friends are going into town together but she feels shes missing out cos shes at her dads. She can say it will make the weekends she spends with him even more special.

I split from my husband 3 years ago now and i said to him from the start that i only wanted him to have the kids one day over the weekend as although they live with me they are at school so we don't actually get time to do things together, this has always worked between us. they go to his house at tea on a Saturday and come home tea on a Sunday. If i have anything planned with them he'll pick them up Sunday morning or even swap days and me the same. I'm sure the time will come when they don't want to be spending weekends with me or there dad but we will have to work it out somehow.

Good Luck to you all it must be hard for you and your daughter to see your grand daughter in this situation but shes lucky to have you all there to support her.

tanith

If only Dad was a reasonable person anything would be possible .... but he is not and it appears never will be....

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, I am sure as she grows up she will find a way to deal with him , in the meantime we are going to seek advice as many of you suggested...

Kimberley

He'll have to get used to it i'm affraid, as long as the parents don't get into a battle fight and her mum communicates with her dad amicably, he should come to his senses after a while. My daughter don't always go with her two brothers with their dad on their weekends with him, it's her choice and her choice only. It's not that she doesn't love him anymore, it's just that she is getting older and therefore wants to go out with her mates more often. If he keeps trying to make her feel guilty and bribing her, he may drive her away eventually. He just needs to get used to it thats all and it's a big step for him not having as much time with her as he was.

ben500

There is no question the father has to come to grips with the fact his daughter is growing up and will drift away from both him and his ex partner her mother, this is our goal as parents to provide our children with the wherewithal and ability and desire to form relationships outside the home with the long term objective of independance, that having been said it is not an easy thing to explain to someone who is obviously putting his own desires and needs before that of his childs.

In short whether he accepts it or not she will drift a little and develop other interests with a greater pull than his paternal role irrespective of how much emotional blackmail he employs, to the contrary that will only make things worse for him as she will come to resent his behaviour and in extreme cases grow to shun him altogether.

I know from experience it is not easy to be a part time parent I have practised this vocation since 1979, fortunately for me I have managed to maintain a good balance and had the benefit of watching all of my children grow and flourish and ensure I had a beneficial effect on their development, I can say without doubt the most important factor is that the children visit willingly without duress from either parent, on many occasion I reluctantly left 1 or more of the children behind on visitation because it was apparent they were being coerced into visitation to accomodate the mothers schedule, I am a parent not a babysitter and try to act accordingly.

It may be helpfull to point out to the father that his actions are likely to drive a wedge between him and his daughter rather than increase the bond, explain to him that girl/boyfriends are likely to shun her if she can't partake in the occasional trip to town, the flicks or even the street corner to hang out, her father should at least be able to relate to the peer pressure she will be under after all he was a kid once too wasn't he? point out that if she is coerced into visitation then it will only make her question why she has to be coerced and maybe its not such a good thing, if you can get him to identify his actions with the negative reactions he may just back off a little, encourage his daughter to offer the genuine reasons for her not wanting to visit, Dad what did you do when you were my age didn#t you have a little fun on the weekends? surely that's how you met mum made friends etc? if he's smart it will start the cogs turning and perhaps he will take a step back and modify his behaviour.

regularsaver1

I hope everythign works out for her.

I am concerned about the grandparents visiting her school to lit beg her to see him. Has she spoke with them as well

tanith

We have gone down the 'reasoned' route during the last 10yrs and things are so bad that they came to an agreement that all contact between the adults be made with the grandmother as she is the only one who can hold a sensible conversation for at least a few minutes before descending into a rant or rave on the telephone.. if they do not get their way on the phone they immediately (Dad Grandad & Grandma) jump in the car and are hammering on my daughters door 5 mins later... you can imagine the effect this has on all of my daughters children.... Even the school try not to have dealings with him prefering to liase with my daughter if anything is wrong because he is such a difficult person to communicate with.

As I have said Dad still lives at home and he is 35ish and I believe that maybe he sees himself and his daughter living the kind of life he is leading with his own parents supporting him still even though he is a grown adult , but he has reckoned without his daughters independant spirit , she is starting to see what kind of life he wants her to lead (sheltered and stilted) and she will have none of it .... she just hasn't quite got the confidence yet to deal with his neediness... but I have no doubt she will I just hate to see her dealing with this adult/child and it causing her to stress a lot of the time....

We try treat things in a lighthearted manner and not let her see how worried we are about her its a difficult balancing act though. She tries to explain things to her grandma but I think she too is dominated by this adult/child who just wants his own way .... I am sure too that if he goes on in this way she will shun him in later life just so she can have a life of her own