12yr old wants to cut down access

tanith

My daughter has 3 kids the eldest from a previous marriage that ended when she was just 2, under a court order she has always spent a lot of time with her Dad and his parents (he lives with them) every weekend (one short , one long) and half of all the holidays... this has been fairly amicable for many yrs .. now she wants to spend more time at home with a new baby sister and her school chums... trouble is Dad is having trouble coping with seeing her less , he puts her under terrible pressure to come to his house when she doesn't want to , even crying down the phone till its got so bad she makes up excuses not to go because she doesn't want to tell him the truth.... we have tried to explain to him but he just goes off the deep end each time..

Now he is blaming my daughter and other family members for keeping her away from him..... what I really want to know is , can the child , now she is 12 ask the court to change the access order? My daughter really does not want to do it herself as it will lead to the father and his family causing trouble I thought if the child was able to explain it to the court he might accept it in a more generous way....

Any thoughts on whether this is possible or even a good idea greatly appreciated...

wigginsmum

I really feel for you all. Teens change, they develop lives of their own; my stepson no longer wants to see us very often (he's visited once since before Christmas) and DH finds it very hard, although he sees him twice in the week anyway. He's done the guilt bit down the phone and in the end I had to sit him down and point out that the cute little boy he couldn't wait to come here is now hulking teen who's rather be out with his mates and doing activities where he lives. The problem is that any kind of pressure is more likely to drive the kids away if they're made to feel awkward or guilty.

I'm not sure what's possible legally. The ideal solution would be for the girl to explain to her Dad herself.

tanith

Thanks wigginsmum , she has tried to do this but he is a very needy person and has no other interests or relationships except with his parents and his daughter and he makes her feel bad for wanting to stay home , until as I say she now has resorted to making up excuses rather than upset him by just telling the truth... its difficult for her and I believe the real reason why she is getting in so much trouble at shcool ... last week her grandparents even turned up at the school to practically beg her to change her mind about not visiting the weekend... but she wouldn't change her mind and her grandma went off in a huff....leaving the child upset and worried....

wigginsmum

Oh that's awful - I feel that whatever happens, whether it's via the courts or not, his side of the family will blame your daughter

How often would she realistically like to visit him? It's a shame that after 10 years he still hasn't got himself a life.

tanith

She is quite happy to visit him and of course loves both him and his parents very much , but she would like to spend every other weekend at home with her brother and sister and also spend time with her cousins and myself and her grandad as we have very limited time to spend with her as apart from evenings after school (when of course she usually has homework) she spends most of her spare time with him and has done for the last 10yrs....

He has even started bribing her with a tenner each time she goes 'quietly' , my daughter has started to take the money away and giving it back to him.. as she believes the temptation to buy cigarettes , sweets and even drugs is always there if the child has too much cash with her at school....

Its a sorry state of affairs and I am racking my brains to find a way to stop all the bad feeling I know its not good for her...... poor kid...

wigginsmum

Oh I see - so she never gets a weekend at home? That is rough. And unreasonable. How close does he live?

shelly

A friend of mine has split from her hubby. She had 3 kids with him. He has them every other weekend and she was told by her solicitor if ever any or all of them don't want to go then they are not to be forced.


I'd get in touch with CAB and see what they recommend regarding the law and whether your grand-daughter has a right to change the current visiting order.


Good luck with it.

tanith

Hi again , Dad lives only 2 or 3 miles away so is always not far away...
the relationship between dad and my daughter is very strained and I am afraid always will be , she has of course moved on but he is stuck back there with all the bad feelings seemingly still raw even after all this time .

I may get in touch with CAB myself and see what they say or even suggest that my daughter get in touch with the original solicitor who knows the background and just ask relevent questions....
thanks

ceegee

Your daughter's ex-husband has to be made to see that his daughter is growing up and is beginning to find her "feet". It can only cause harm if he tries to keep the relationship the way it was when she was two. I am very suspicious about why a grown man is still living with his parents. I am also wondering how much of an influence his parents are exerting in this situation.

pickle

What a difficult situation. Obviously it would be easier for him to leave her alone etc. but she may feel very overwhelmed by everything and feel resentful of the emotional blackmail being exerted from the grandparents etc. Maybe he could take all the children for access visits, perhaps explaining that she misses her siblings when she has to go on her own for visits and that the solution may be to have all of them there with him. I don't know how wise/practical this idea is but it would demonstrate that noone is keeping her away and would test how committed they are to seeing her and it would give the mother a break as well. In another year or two I suspect she'll be able to stand up to them on her own terms anyway and tell them what she thinks.

Becles

How about a compromise?

Would having her staying for a full weekend every 2-3 weeks, then seeing him perhaps 1-2 evenings after school, and/or just a couple of hours on a weekend in the other weeks be acceptable?