Struggling being a mum

snowmaid

RoxieW wrote: »

I'm now on my 3rd baby and have only just started to 'prioritise myself'. Yes the ironing needs doing but i'm exhausted so which comes higher? `A few clothes or me? So today i took a nap while my baby slept and now i'm having some computer time. Is an hour a day really too much to allow ourselves?This evening i'm going out with a friend for dinner. It'll b a nightmare trying to get my 3 to bed while i get myself ready but hey - its friday - they can watch a dvd instead of having stories read. It's really not goin to stunt their development!
I leave all the 'big' vleaning jobs - bathroom, kitchen etc till the weekend when OH can take over with the kids. i get it done quicker n without the guilt that i'm leaving kids to entertain themselves.
Put yourself top of the list occassionally - afterall, your no good to anyone burnt ut n resentful

Sounds as if you have a good balance. It is excellent to nap while baby sleeps. You also need to rest. Well done.

cazscoob

your normal!!! i feel exactly the same, but no i realise if its not done its not the end of the world! have a lazy day, go out and have fun! we have decided that each of us need time out. OH is going away at beg of may for a weekend and me at the end of may! i have never been so excited, 10 years together and 5 kids we def all need a break sometimes!

BeenieCat

I had a chuckle at Sirbendy's post he sounds like my OH who adopted my 2 cats when he moved in with me and since he's a light sleeper he's the one to get up with the night cat noises and check the bathroom for accidents :rotfl:

Jo_R_2

I have never had so much respect for stay at home parents until I became one!

I have been for a year and still find it hard. I have kids aged 5 (in reception), 2 and a baby of 7 weeks. I have sought support because at times I do find it difficult and my HV has been great - through her I have a Home Start visitor who pops in once a week and helps entertain DD2, and a family visitor who helps with all sorts - really really good, has sourced playgroups and other related things. I also make use of my HV who is lovely, she has helped with loads of stuff.

As someone has said, I see staying at home as my "job." As such I have certain expectations of myself (nothing unreasonable!) but a mental list of my responsibilities. Such as:

• I cook dinner each weekday for the family and make pack ups for OH and DD1
• I do washing up, laundry, vacuuming, and other household chores in the day
• I do shopping lists and menu plan
• I get up in the night with baby during weeknights to feed him and change him so OH isn't disturbed as he works long days and has early starts

Stuff like that. That way the house ticks over nicely and it's a bonus if anything else gets done (LOL!) This is fitted around looking after baby and DD2 in the week, but I must say I am very adamant that once OH is home, he goes sharesies on childcare. This means that whilst I'll happily get up early with DDs and baby in the week, he can happily expect that I will want a lie in one day at the weekend - as will he most likely! He will be expected to partake of nappy changes weekend nights, and walk round in the dark of the bedroom with baby on his shoulder patting him until he goes to sleep even if it takes an hour and I'm snoring away if it's the weekend - after all I do it 5 nights a week, he can do his fair share!

What I'm saying is don't be a martyr, it's too easy to fall into doing loads yourself because it's easier when you could reasonably expect help with certain tasks. I've spent too much time silently seething in the past when I should have bloody well opened my mouth and said what I wanted help with I've read that men need this direct communication - but then I've also read that men are well aware that they can get away with stuff by pleading ignorance so OH knows I'm onto him there Why should you get up every day at 6.30am -why can't he do it too - I'd go mad if OH thought he could get away with that one!

Cookie_monster_7

Thank you all so much for the fabulous replies and support.

I don't think surestart exists in Scotland which is a shame as it sounds great. I have no family nearby to help out so it is just OH and me. The reason OH doesn't get up in the mornings with dd is because he works late shifts (3-11pm) so he sleeps 1am - 9am and getting up once a week at 6.30am would be "like getting up in the middle of the night" apparently :rolleyes: He does watch dd on his days off while I go for a lie down if I feel like it which works for us. I would love it if he worked normal hours (so I had company in the evenings and didn't have to go to bed alone every night) but hey-ho, got to pay the bills:o

He always watches dd if I need to get on with the housework and he does things like gardening, taking the rubbish out, putting the dishes away. I wish he'd do more but I have asked, I have been specific and tried to speak the language men are supposed to understand "I need help with x, y or z, please could you do that?" but sometimes it still doesn't happen and I'd rather not nag. I console myself with the belief that most men are like this!

I suffer from way too much maternal guilt....if I take dd out in the buggy for a walk to the high street to go to the bank, shops or library I feel guilty that she hasn't had the time/opportunity to run around. If I put her in front of the tv so I can get the cooking/washing up done I feel bad. Her speech is coming on a bit slowly (she's 17 months and can say maybe 5 or 6 words but they're not clear and she'll just come out with them randomly) so I feel worried that I don't talk to her enough or read to her enough. She has no patience to try doing things like her shape sorter or jigsaws, if she doesn't get it in straight away she throws it all out of her sight and I can't get her to try again so I worry what I am doing wrong there.

My dd is the first child I have had any experience of being with so I have no idea if I am getting things right or wrong. I have always been quite an organised, tidy person so a chaotic house really stresses me out. My MIL is on such a pedestal in my OHs eyes as a mother who managed to do it all so I can't compete. My mum worked, cooked from scratch and kept the house clean and organised and was always there for me and never seemed stressed out about it whereas it feels like an uphill struggle for me.

I am loving all of your suggestions and will try to make changes.

mrcow

Your child will learn to speak when she's good and ready. You don't have to teach her. Some kids pick it up early and some are much slower.

She'll also learn how to do jigsaws in her own time. Forcing her to do them (or anything else that she doesn't like) won't achieve much. Apart from worrying you.

Children don't do things all the same. Neither can you learn how to bring them up from a book or from your MIL (who you'll only ever hear the good bits from - never all the bad bits).

Being a parent is hard and it's one long guilt trip. You need to make some more time for yourself - it will make you a happier, less stressed person and a better parent in the proces.

lolababy

Iv just got my life back in the last year or so so know how your feeling. You need to stop and have a sit down at a time everyday that suits you. Have a coffee and a read of a mag or simply do nothing. Try to join up with other mums.
A good idea would be to join up with another mum and take it in turns to watch the others child for an afternoon. That way you and your friend will get a break to do what you please.

JoJoB

Gosh, it sounds like you are me! I've been getting major guilts lately over whether I'm doing all the right things by my DD. We read books every day and I'll find new activities, and we go to the park every day for a run around and play on the swings, but I still feel like I'm not doing enough - because quite frankly she also watches loads of telly!

I always said I wouldn't put her in front of the box, but since she started getting up at 5.30 am I'm just not with it enough at that time in the morning for much else, and she is always a bit grouchy too, so it's a quick fix. I leave it off for as long as possible, but if she is making a noise clattering with her toys I feel bad about the flat downstairs getting woken up so put cbeebies on with the volume low. Then I can have a bit of brekkie and do my comps as well.

I haven't ironed anything for about 2 years, and the place could always be cleaner. OH gets up early once a week ( but I have to nag a bit even for this - can end up in a blazing row at times!). It is the tiredness that gets to you, and if there is no opportunity to do anything different if your OH is stuck on shifts. Is there time during the day when he could watch baby on a regular basis so you could start doing something for yourself? I'm starting citizens advice training soon and this has given me such a boost.

Gazella77

I've read the post and as much as I feel you and know where you're coming from I can tell you - you're lucky as you don't have all other problems a single parent has.

My partner abandoned us when I was pregnant as he couldn't face the challenge. I've been on my own since then. I have to deal with all the things you're dealing plus massive financial worry as I have a big mortgage, work 30 hrs a week (12 from home - effectively when my daughter is asleep so during her nap and at night) no time to cook, clean etc always behind with everything.
I have no family here so I never get a minute on my own (other than at work) and all my salary is spend on the mortgage, bills and childcare and what I have left is next to nothing.
On top of that I have health problems. I just feel like giving up:-(

pukkamum

Cookie_monster wrote: »

Thank you all so much for the fabulous replies and support.

I don't think surestart exists in Scotland which is a shame as it sounds great. I have no family nearby to help out so it is just OH and me. The reason OH doesn't get up in the mornings with dd is because he works late shifts (3-11pm) so he sleeps 1am - 9am and getting up once a week at 6.30am would be "like getting up in the middle of the night" apparently :rolleyes: He does watch dd on his days off while I go for a lie down if I feel like it which works for us. I would love it if he worked normal hours (so I had company in the evenings and didn't have to go to bed alone every night) but hey-ho, got to pay the bills:o

He always watches dd if I need to get on with the housework and he does things like gardening, taking the rubbish out, putting the dishes away. I wish he'd do more but I have asked, I have been specific and tried to speak the language men are supposed to understand "I need help with x, y or z, please could you do that?" but sometimes it still doesn't happen and I'd rather not nag. I console myself with the belief that most men are like this!

I suffer from way too much maternal guilt....if I take dd out in the buggy for a walk to the high street to go to the bank, shops or library I feel guilty that she hasn't had the time/opportunity to run around. If I put her in front of the tv so I can get the cooking/washing up done I feel bad. Her speech is coming on a bit slowly (she's 17 months and can say maybe 5 or 6 words but they're not clear and she'll just come out with them randomly) so I feel worried that I don't talk to her enough or read to her enough. She has no patience to try doing things like her shape sorter or jigsaws, if she doesn't get it in straight away she throws it all out of her sight and I can't get her to try again so I worry what I am doing wrong there.

My dd is the first child I have had any experience of being with so I have no idea if I am getting things right or wrong. I have always been quite an organised, tidy person so a chaotic house really stresses me out. My MIL is on such a pedestal in my OHs eyes as a mother who managed to do it all so I can't compete. My mum worked, cooked from scratch and kept the house clean and organised and was always there for me and never seemed stressed out about it whereas it feels like an uphill struggle for me. I think if you talked to your mum you might be surprised, i always thought of this of my mum til she admitted to me that after her first baby she didn't mangage to cook a meal or wash any clothes for six months!!!


I am loving all of your suggestions and will try to make changes.

Just remember this is your first baby, you have never done this before and it is a job where the rules and requirements change day to day!!!
If you spend every day worrying that every decision you make is the wrong one then you'll miss out on the pleasure of being at home.

I know that is easy for me to say but please take it from someone that knows, you are not failing you are being a good mum just relax.
And if you have any more you will be so busy you won't have time to worry about whether you have spent enough time talking to baby!!!!!

I would def reccomend a toddler group as you will find many many mums in exactly the same situation as you.

So use your organisational skills draw yourself up a rota (i know it sounds anal but it's something i really respond to) have a day of leisure (watching t.v etc) a day of craft (drawing with lo etc) a day of reading you get the idea, but use it as a guide rather than a rule.

also get lo involved in the cleaning my lo follows me around with her duster and brush 'helping'.