Family situation... how to deal with it?

littleredhen

i think if it were me i would have some spare stuff like cardigans, jumpers, joggy bottoms and coats etc and keep them at yours - you could buy them together and say that if she wants to put on an extra cardi or grab her jacket then thats fine but without drawing attention to it say its just extra stuff for her but to leave it at yours for the next time

littleredhen

ps i think with the school stuff your oh should contact the school and ask if it would remain confidential that he wanted copies of everything - he could say that he is concerned that there may be a problem over access - i would speak to the head if i were him

rainbowangel

Hi Ellissa

What you are saying is so common. Its a shame that she dresses her girl like a young adult when she is a little innocent girl.

I would do as others have suggested and keep on asking her to get changed when she gets to yours. Hopefully it will make her feel special and cared for and may have some influance on how she dresses/acts when she is older.

As for the court thing it will cost you about £260 to get the court rights to access. I have just helped a friend of mine fill them in for his children. They are really easy to do and as long as you put facts down and not sound like you are doing it out of spite the courts are really understanding. At first it looks like a lot of forms but it really doesn't take too long. If he doesn't have PR rights then he will really need to apply for that too and they can all be done together.

It really is a small price to pay for peace of mind. You really don't need any solicitors. If you need any help/advice on what forms to fill out please let me know.

Best of Luck

January20

ellissa wrote: »

That's exactly why I can't let it continue. It breaks my heart to ask her to get changed and it affects her too. She does not seem adverse to wearing the clothes her mum puts her in but whenever we go out and ask her what clothes she wants in shops, they couldn't be further removed from her mothers choices - but I'd hate to think she was saying that to make us happy.

However, she is constantly trying to pull down belly tops or pull up low tops. She even says she is cold and asks for a jumper. When she was sent without a coat and it was cold, we bought her one and kept it at ours but now when it's cold she is sent in skimpy clothing. I would hate to think her mother is using her DD to get to my OH and I hate myself for thinking it because I could never, ever use a child as a weapon.

Well, I don't know what to say! Maybe she is feeling trapped between trying to please her mum and trying to please her dad? who knows. Perhaps the best you can do is put no pressure on her (and I'm NOT saying you are) and make sure she knows how you feel about her.

As for your last sentence, sadly your step dd wouldn't be the first child used as a weapon by one parent sigh!

arhino30

With regards to school reports etc, your OH is well within his rights to contact the school and get copies of these, as my ex partner did when we separated. He did not have Parental responsibiliy, but they still sent him what he requested. I was unaware that he had got these copies until he told me he had telephoned the school and they were sending them to him!
He also used to keep clothes for them at his house, party clothes, swimsuits, spare jumpers, coats etc, not because I dressed them inappropriately, but if they had a last minute invite to a party, the weather suddenly changed etc, at least he had things for them to wear.
It can be tough especially when the parent/step parents don't agree on certain issues. I remember my ex telling me that once DD1 was 14, I wasn't to let her out with an adult....especially with lads....she is almost 13 now, and unfortunately her dad passed away 2 months ago, so we don't have the arguments anymore...

ellissa

rainbowangel wrote: »

As for the court thing it will cost you about £260 to get the court rights to access.

Best of Luck

Thanks. I will be in touch if and when we think this is neccessary. Problem is, the ex stopped my OH seeing DD previously saying he was stalking them, swearing at them etc. OH took it to court but ran out of money to continue. OH could prove the stalking did not happen as he was at work and could get proof of this. Interestingly though, DD told the courts the stalking did happen - supporting mum I suppose. I can understand that bless her, but you can't argue with witness statements and cctv that said it did not happen! As for the swearing, he never does and tells me off if a naughty word happens to escape from my lips - not in front of DD obviously.

Anyway so he ran out of cash and did not see DD for 9 months. OH got diagnosed with depression etc. Then suddenly the ex popped up from nowhere and said OH could see DD again. No apology, no explanation or justification of the accusations. Nothing.

My OH dared not challenge her in case she did more and he wanted to see DD obviously. Now whenever there is an issue he rolls over for fear of losing contact with DD. I dont blame him but it is frustrating that she walks all over him. I know DD feels torn and we hate it and so actively tell her how lucky she is to have a mummy and daddy and step-mummy who love her so much. We get DD to make her mum cards and presents on mothers day / bday / christmas etc.

So much has happened which points to her mum using DD as a weapon but we rise above it. DD says things which make us question whats going on too but we just try to show no reaction. The latest - 'mummy says I have to love her more than daddy because daddy does nothing to help bring me up'..... to which we smile and say 'whatever makes you happy darling as long as you know how much we all love you'. Heartbreaking though.

Gonna stop now, am aware this is becoming an emotional rant! My sincere apologies and thanks for all your advice x

onetomany

maybe shes choosing her own clothers? because she knows what its coursing i would leave it with her own clothers , if my son was going to his dads and changing i would be well affended, reminds me the other week my son was going to his grandmas for a few days i asked him twice if he had all the clothers he needed he replayed with yes, on the day he admitted he had packed his clothers , they wasnt clean but it didmt matter as grandma would now he had been wearing them, i rang his grandma and appoligised lol

hamstercheeks_2

i know exactly where u are coming from. My OH has 2 kids with his ex. he was seeing them on a regular basis up until last August, when he saw just how they had been living with mum. Cut a long story short she had moved out of hte FMH and he had been paying for it but just before he handed keys over to new owner he went in for a look:eek:

Oven was caked in like 20 years of grease, poo all over the bathroom floor, door and toilet. Locks on outside of children's bedrooms etc:eek:

was awful.

he told his kids that when we moved house they could comeand live with us.

he hasn't seen them since.

she too is on benefits, getting a lot of tax credits too, not to mention the lion's share fromthe property andmonthly maintenance

he also had to put up with torn clothes, ripped trainers etc

but this seemsto be a problemwith some PWC's - they think that NRP should have no say in how their kids are brought up even when they are contributing a fortune per month.

your oh's DD is probably terrified of her mum as this is the case with my OH's kids.

best of luck

galvanizersbaby

It does sound sadly rather like your DD is being used by her mother to get at the both of you
I'm not sure what to suggest about that

Re the clothes thing I would do as other posters have suggested and keep some nice bits back for when she is with you.
I would try to avoid her having to constantly change her clothes when she's with you though and try to compromise a bit if at all possible as I would imagine this to be quite confusing for a 7 year old.

My children have a soon to be step mother and we do have different tastes in clothing/upbringing etc
She dresses her 8 year old daughter in a similar fashion to which you are describing and has often suggested changes for my 5 year old DD - i.e. wouldn't she look nice with a fringe, dressed more grown-up etc... and I've just stated that she looks lovely the way she is
I do sometimes worry that she might get her hair cut but I'm pretty sure DD's dad wouldn't allow this to happen

Savvy_Sue

You could ask the child if she wants to get changed when she arrives, or keep such and such here.