Family situation... how to deal with it?

ellissa

Hi all, I just wrote this and lost it all so here we go again. Hope this is in the correct place...

...I'm hoping for some impartial advice on a situation. It's about my partner's DD. We have her every Sunday and take her on regular (child-focussed) holidays and generally do all we can for her - we love her to bits.

The problem is that she regularly turns up in clothes/shoes which are too big/small, dirty, inappropriate etc. We're talking a 7yr old in 'belly' tops, low cut tops, tiny skirts, tiny bikini's of we go swimming etc. She also has a mobile phone which we don't agree with but she turns it off when with us and we don't communicate with her via that.

Anyway, we started buying her new stuff (on top of the monthly maintenace we pay) but we would never see it again. We dont expect her to dress like a 50s child, just appropriate for her age and current fashions and for where we're going. So we began buying stuff and keeping it with us but it is disruptive for DD to keep getting changed all the time and there is only so much stuff we have. On a recent 2 week holiday, we had no option but to dress her in some things her mum packed but it is embarrassing to walk around with her dressed like that. We were going to a special family party recently and bought her a lovely dress which we gave to her mum and DD turned up in some old jeans and a low cut top. My partner was mortified. Rumour has it his ex has dyed DD's hair blue this week - we'll find out if that's true on Sun but my man will not be impressed.

Anyway, he spoke to his ex and she didnt want to know. She simply says he has NO say in how DD is bought up. We wrote a letter to school recently asking for copies of everything sent home but my partner wouldnt send it as he's SCARED of his ex. She stopped him seeing his DD for 9 months once before when he mentioned something she didnt like and it was hell for us. He is terrified that will happen again and we do not have the money to fight her in court for access - she would have it paid for as she's on benefits.

I just want to know how we can improve this situation for DD. We do not bad mouth her mother in front of her, nor in private. At the end of the day we love DD to bits and her mother is her mother, we wouldn't change that. We just want to make things more pleasant and not have to walk on egg shells.

Any advice much appreciated
Thanks
Ells

floss2

Can't offer much advice, but a friend of mine had a similar situation with clothes & her now-stepson.....they would buy him clothes & shoes to be worn with them & kept at their house (he's now 11 & it's been going on for 5-6 years, so they've had the "go & get changed before we go out" scenario).

Maybe you need to persevere with that route?

Pee

Wow... that sounds really difficult. I think it will get easier as DD gets older, as kids grow up so fast she'll soon be telling her mum what she wants to wear... except kids are supposed to choose the inappropriate clothing. I would suggest you involve her in choosing the clothes.

The difficulty is that in these situations, the mother seems to have all the rights, and if she choose to move to the top of Scotland, she could do, so i would be careful not to wind her up if you can help it.

It does seem like an impossible position for your OH though.

claire1234

hiya,

there isnt really anything you can do about this,

i got with my fella when his kids were 9 & 10 (girl and boy), we saw then every other weekend friday night to monday morning then all of the school holidays,
when they turned up to our house they would come in clothes which were dirty or too big or too small and looked like they needed a good bath,
i would take them shopping spending a fortune on clothing for them hoping they would leave some here - they never did they took all the clothing home to there mums.

the kids are now 14 and 15 and choose what ever they want to wear, nothing you can do about it.

one thing you can do is keep spare socks / knickers / pj`s / going out clothing hidden away then if there is a party of something to go to just say pop this on.

Zazen999

Just get her to get changed back into that stuff before she goes back and leave the nice stuff at yours.

shellsuit

You only have her once a week (apart from when you take her away with you) ~ does it matter what she comes dressed in?

Is SHE happy with what she wears?

I'm wondering whether the problem is because you feel embarrassed of her?

think_about_it

Hi Ellissa,

Being a parent/step parent to a child that spends just a short amount of time per week with you both is the hardest thing in the world, and it seems like this child is much loved by both of you. The child no doubt loves coming to see you both and whilst it must be so difficult to see her appear in clothing that is unsuitable for a child of her age, or indeed any age, and her mothers standards or aspirations for the child are different to yourselves the important thing is that you keep on loving her, encouraging her and showing her a different way of living life
In the fullness of time this is what will be the bigger influence for her future. I agree with other posts about these situations, it is difficult, it will remain to be difficult, but you and your DH seem decent people, she will not always be a child, but by continuing to provide a loving and caring environment for her every week and by sticking to your principles of not running down her mother's choices of clothes etc it will hold you in good stead for the future.

7 year olds do have "varied " tastes in clothes, let her choose some things that she can keep at dads, if she likes them she will be only too happy to put them on at the weekend.

Just remember whilst these clothes cause your heckles to rise, whats more important is the quality of caracter wearing them.

Good luck

January20

Zazen999 wrote: »

Just get her to get changed back into that stuff before she goes back and leave the nice stuff at yours.

Please don't do that! You cannot imagine how damaging it could be to this little if she is happy with what she is wearing but becomes aware that her dad and stepmum don't and make her change when she gets to their house.

OP, you didn't say what the little girl thinks of her clothes?

ellissa

January20 wrote: »

Please don't do that! You cannot imagine how damaging it could be to this little if she is happy with what she is wearing but becomes aware that her dad and stepmum don't and make her change when she gets to their house.

OP, you didn't say what the little girl thinks of her clothes?

That's exactly why I can't let it continue. It breaks my heart to ask her to get changed and it affects her too. She does not seem adverse to wearing the clothes her mum puts her in but whenever we go out and ask her what clothes she wants in shops, they couldn't be further removed from her mothers choices - but I'd hate to think she was saying that to make us happy.

However, she is constantly trying to pull down belly tops or pull up low tops. She even says she is cold and asks for a jumper. When she was sent without a coat and it was cold, we bought her one and kept it at ours but now when it's cold she is sent in skimpy clothing. I would hate to think her mother is using her DD to get to my OH and I hate myself for thinking it because I could never, ever use a child as a weapon.

ellissa

shellsuit wrote: »

You only have her once a week (apart from when you take her away with you) ~ does it matter what she comes dressed in?

Is SHE happy with what she wears?

I'm wondering whether the problem is because you feel embarrassed of her?

We only have her once a week because my OH works 6 days a week, 10- 12 hours a day to support us all. I often have her more when I can - when OH is working.

Do I feel embarrassed? As much as people will think I'm out of order yes I do and so does my OH. Not embarrassed because of how she looks but embarrassed because we don't think it is appropriate for a child to dress like that at that age and we hate the fact that people will assume that is our standard. Equally, embarrassed that people think we would dress her in clothes that don't fit or are dirty. HOWEVER this is not really the issue as who cares what people think - we can cope with being embarrassed and keep this to ourselves so that we can continue seeing DD. We would never let our standards / thoughts / feelings get in the way of DD feelings and that's why we would never ever make a big issue of it.

We just feel all this is about something more than the clothes - her mother trying to wind my OH up. And yes I suppose it's working.

ellissa

think_about_it wrote: »

Hi Ellissa,



Just remember whilst these clothes cause your heckles to rise, whats more important is the quality of caracter wearing them.

Absolutely, and she's the most beautiful, lovely girl ever. We adore her