my friend is outstaying his welcome

esmejames

Hiya,
I'm struggling with something and I hope someone can give me some advice.
A friend of mine went travelling for 15weeks and has given up his flat in a flat share before his travels. He recently called my boyfriend and I to inform us he is heading back to the uk and asked if he could stay at our place for a couple of days, so he could look for a flat. We said yes.
It's now over a week later and he is still here. He is not actively looking for a place and has been so lazy, just laying on our couch all day. The first few days we cooked for him- he is good friend and it was nice to catch up, also we wanted to give him some slack as he would have been jetlagged. He is now back at work and has been out drinking afterwards, not even looking at some flats.
The other thing that is bothering us is that he is soo messy. In every room there are things of his. The guest room he is staying in is an absolute mess whilst we keep the place very tidy and clean. He leaves used glasses, helps himself to what's in the fridge without asking and must have noticed the expression on my face the last time, so he offered to go to the supermarket today and got a few things. It's now bank holiday, so he is off work for 4 days. He is not even calling up on some flat ads. We asked him this morning what his plans are for today and all he could say was; 'I want to be lazy today'. When we asked about the flat hunting he said he might see a few tomorrow. I'm furious! I would never to that to a friend. He is getting too comfortable here and it is !!!!ing me off.
He asked for a few days and hasn;t even discussed it with us whether it's ok to stay longer. It's spoiling our bank holiday together which we so need as we work crazy hours.
I make jokes about the mess, but he just laughs them away. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable in my own house.

He has been a friend for many years, and I mean it if I say I don't want to end the friendship- also since we have so many mutual friends so that will be difficult- but I had enough of him being here.

any tips or similar experiences and how did it end?

Esme

clutton_2

give him some slack - it is only a few days - particularly if he has been a friend for many years

sounds like you all need to sit down and talk calmly and quietly, and not just glare at him over the fridge door !

TrickyNiki

Its a horrible situation but one I have just had to go though!

My friend stayed months! I even went looking for flats and he wasnt interested! In the end I gave him 4 weeks notice to move, I thought he would have time to find a flat or do something in that time, but he was out on the very last hour of the 4th week he pushed it to the limit and had to go and stay with another friend.

As a lodger I dont think you need to give him notice but for friendships sake I would!! It doesnt have to be as long as my 4 weeks.

eco-friendly_2

Record and playback 'Jeremy Kyle' non stop.


Stock up the fridge with gherkins and prunes only .

Snakeeyes21

tell him to get lost.
he cant be much of a friend by taking advantage of you.

hedion

just have a word. tell him you will be charging rent from next week. And look him in the eye when you tell him. be firm, and say look bud we really want to help you out but from next week we will have to charge you rent and you need to tidy up after yourself always. Be very particular about how you like things around the house. Very particular. and explain that if this is not to hid=s liking then he must go immediatley because you are getting frustrated living in it and your str=arting to feel uncomfortable in your own home. Any mate would be out by the weekend.

QTPie

hedion wrote: »

just have a word. tell him you will be charging rent from next week. And look him in the eye when you tell him. be firm, and say look bud we really want to help you out but from next week we will have to charge you rent and you need to tidy up after yourself always. Be very particular about how you like things around the house. Very particular. and explain that if this is not to hid=s liking then he must go immediatley because you are getting frustrated living in it and your str=arting to feel uncomfortable in your own home. Any mate would be out by the weekend.

Sounds sensible... We have had a friend stay with us on a couple of occassions (for about a week/10 days) whilst he was looking for somewhere to live (first when he moved back to the area to start a new job, secondly when he had to move out of his first place and find somewhere else at short notice). He was great though: he was very focussed (from the start) on finding somewhere, he bought his own food and he was very neat and tidy. Hence why having him back a second time was no problem.

Sit him down, calmy and quietly, and go through things. Explain that he is a friend and very important to you, but that this was only supposed to be for a few days or a week (whilst he ACTIVELY found somewhere else - maybe set him a deadline). Then lay down some ground rules: that he needs to start contributing towards food (buying his own, contributing towards shared food, possibly sharing some of the cooking/chores) and that you like the house neat and tidy (don't worry too much about the spare room - providing he closes the door and leaves it dity and clean when he leaves - but the kitchen/bathroom/living areas you expect clean and tidy).

He is a friend, so it is good to be understanding, but some people will over-indulge on your generousity if you let them. So set firm ground rules.

Good luck
QT

RAS

Esme

Maybe suggest he read this thread http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=573870
And moves out pronto.

googler

You could suddenly develop a liking for a different taste in music - and play it at all times he and you are in the house.

Wagnerian opera, Stockhausen, Philip Glass, something like that should do the trick. Unless he's into all that already, in which case select something like;

Spice Girls, Michael Jackson, Wham.

That should do the trick.

poppysarah

Turn him into a proper lodger charging him money and laying down groundrules.

"Until you find your own place, this is how it's got to be"

AllyS

Be honest. Tell him you thought it was only for a few days and say that as much as it has been great having him stay, if he is going to stay longer (set a limit) then he will have to help out with household costs. You can't really charge him rent if he is on the sofa, but he can pay atleast £50 a week towards food, electric, gas, water etc... He is probably happy at your house which is a compliment, you just have to make him a little less comfy.

Oh also set up a cleaning rota, so he has to do his fair share.

Goodluck