Why am I addicted to shopping and how can I stop?

Jenna

Hey Emma,

Oh right I see - didn't realise the disability payment rules would be different - good that you're claiming everything you're entitled to though.

Can I ask why you're living in the CI? Nothing against it as a place mind you it just seems like you're so isolated away from both friends and family.

I think when someone's in the hospital you can kind of pretend it's not real but when they come home and you have to fit your lifestyle round it all and normality sets in, that's probably when it sinks in? That might be why you started spending? To get out of the house and get a quick 'feel good' from getting something nice.

It's too easy when family or friends lend us money unfortunately - though I am sure it was done with the best of intentions - it's a 'quick fix' and no of course you didn't intend to spend any more money, but if the solution (their loan) didn't deal with any of the underlying reasons why you were spending it ... you see where I am going I'm sure

Has he prescribed you medication, and tried different dosages and/or different meds? Is he able to refer you to a therapist, or would you consider seeing one? Would you try a herbal anti-dep e.g. St John's Wort, that works for some people too (though check with your pharmacist if you're allowed to take it!). You can always contact the Samaritans (via phone, text, or email) and at any time of day or night if you feel really desperate.

It is difficult with 'friends' isn't it? Some of them you think you're quite close to but then they just get all distant - it's awkward and horrible and I (unfortunately) know all too well how that feels. I won't go into details on the forum (though I am happy to explain if you PM me) but something happened to me and now when people find out they really treat me differently / don't talk to me any more / etc etc. I did lose several friends and a family member over it but at least now I know the people who are left are who really care about me ... if you see what I mean.

If you don't feel able to reach out to the mums at the new school (which is understable - and small talk just feels pointless / has no meaning in the circumstances I am guessing? That's how I felt anyway with my situation...) Then why not look online and try to find a support group locally to you? There is probably also a specialist online support group, maybe with a forum - please stay here with us but you can also post in other places. Maybe there are other parents going through similar things and you can help each other out?

It's good that you have at least 2 mornings off. Are you making 'me time' on the other days - even if your OH just watches the kids for an hour so you can have a bubble bath and a glass of wine or something?

It doesn't sound selfish about not wanting to volunteer right now at all. If you find it to be rewarding then keep it in mind for later on but please don't feel pressured into anything - it is supposed to be voluntary after all!

Please don't apologise, you don't sound like you're 'feeling sorry for yourself', you sound like you're struggling as any normal human being would in your situation. Please prioritise your own health and wellbeing above the debts - important though they are, you are even more important.

Can you talk to your hubbie about this? Does he know about the debts? You don't mention him much in your posts and I am wondering if you find it hard to open up to him... ?

Emmaizzy

Hi Jenna

What a relief to find someone to talk to - my little board angel!

I'll try and answer all the bits and pieces raised in your post:

We came to the CI because my hubbie and I hardly saw each other when we lived in the UK due to my hub's job. We thought about moving closer to his job (London) but it would have meant living in a shoebox. As we were planning to have another child (little did we know the problems we would have) we decided that we really needed to find another place to live where my hub could still do his job but there wouldn't be a four hour commute everyday. Also hubbie's dad had to work two jobs to pay mortgage etc and hubbie wanted to be around for the kids. So he was offered a job here so we took it. We love it here hubbie is only ever 15 mins from home. It's safe, clean, people are very respectful and helpful and we have not had any problems with getting support for my son - except respite there is nothing here.

I did have counselling to help cope at the beginning but I feel I really need bereavement counselling to help me get over losing my son - although he is physicially still here he is not the same - it's like a living bereavement. I will make a phone call today to get this sorted.

Things with hubbie are strained. Hubbie was brought up in a very traditional family where dad went to work and mum stayed home and did all the home stuff. When we were both working and prior to this I didn't really mind this because he would do anything I asked or needed him to do and I took responsibility for everything, kids, money, household organisation. Being the one in control was fine for me and I didn't need any help with it all. Hubbie is terrible at it anyway. However, once this happened and I fell apart so did everything else to. Hubbie hasn't adjusted or picked up the pace. I have spoken to him about it so many times I really don't know what else I can do. I even said we needed some marriage help and he looked very shocked! I get very frustrated as we make plans (financial) to sort this out and then he ignores them! :eek:

I have had two ideas for meeting people locally - I was going to join a sewing class but the fee was £138! I was in a don't spend any money day so didn't join up and missed the places once I decided it was silly not to join it for that reason as I was happy to spend £40 on a pair of trainers for a two year old. I also thought about joining the local gym because it's £100 for 3 months no commitment, and thought this would help with my depression.

Support groups might be okay but I don't know if I could deal with all that sadness. When my son first went back to school he went to a school for children with very severe problems. Some were in wheelchairs unable to speak or even move. I found this really upsetting, tragic, parents struggling to cope. I couldn't be part of it - I really need a group having fun. I might learn to surf this year but wonder if at 40 I might be past it!

Thanks Jenna
Emma

becky_rtw

Hi Emma,

Dont say you're past it at 40!!! My friend teaches surfing in Canada and there are loads of people learning at all ages - it does get seriously expensive though if you get the bug for it so maybe you should focus on that as an incentive for when you've paid off a chunk of the debt??

I think the gym is a brilliant idea - exercise improves your mood and even if you only have half an hour its great thinking and 'me' time - I've taken up running recently having not being able to run round the block before and its amazing what a difference it has made to my life, outlook and energy levels, so if you feel brave you dont even need to join a gym you can buy some trainers and go running for free

Jenna - wow you have some great advice!!

[Deleted User]

Hi,
I also used to love shopping, browsing on the internet - taking out store cards and buying from them, buying extra 'treats' with the food shop, to make me feel better (but I just put on a ton of weight!), I got very depressed and didn't even realise it. I was unhappy, we had no money, I ended up being stressed, overweight, in debt and with nothing to show for it!

Since then we moved to a nicer area and had my LBM, took my head out of the sand and thought 'what are we doing?', 'what have we got to show for this debt?' and tbh we couldn't remember or account for the majority of the monies.
All the APR's on our cards/internet accounts etc were approx. the same, so I found it easier to pay off the ones we owed the least on first and then cancel them! It made me feel better, not having the availability to spend and each month or two I could say that we had 1 or 2 cards less!
Now I am currently working on our last CC and we have actually cut it up! It means that I can not impulse buy, or indeed buy online. Whenever we pay money back to the card, we lower the CC limit.

Make sure you start a spending diary, or plan ahead for the next month or two. I actually know my income/outgoings for the next few months approx...but then maybe I'm a bit sad...! It helps get your head round the bills you have to pay each month - priority payments like rent, council tax, food etc. See if you can reduce your food shop? In fact, do an SOA - they're great too! You will definately get addicted to MSE and sorting your debts etc - maybe you could swap shopping addiction for MSE?!!

Got to do the school run, but ill pop in later and see your progess! Don't worry, it will be ok, everyone on here is lovely!

Emmaizzy

Fab advice - thank you.

I bought (doh) last month a program called Ace Money which is like a budgeting program - it's really helpful to see what is coming out and coming in and when - my benefits are paid weekly so it can be tricky paying the bills without going overdrawn.

Spoke with hubbie again about finances and we are going to see if he can open a joint account to tag onto mine so that I can control the finances better. Last month a credit card didn't get paid because I used to pay it - however, after I reorganised all the finances to see where we really were I asked him to pay it as he had over £500 disappearing every month on nothing - and he didn't even know it. Unfortunately he didn't listen and for some crazy reason paid twice as much to the CC costing us the least!

We are also going to see if we can go interest only for a year on the mortgage and chuck this extra money at the cards - is this an okay idea? Would it better not to do this - I have no idea. It should give us an extra £250 a month.

Where do I post my SOA? In this post or do I start a new one.

Thanks
Emma

Hollyberry

Hi Emma

It's up to you where to post the SOA, although if you post it here, it may stop you having to explain again some of the things you have posted here. I think you can update the thread title perhaps to say SOA added?

You've been getting some great support, and I thought the comment that you were "struggling like a normal human being would in your situation" (hat tip to Jenna) is a good call not to be hard on yourself.

I'm no expert on the debt side, but I have over the past year managed to stop myself shopping for England (the money has now gone into savings to fund my brave new world). Some of these things have already been mentioned, but I thought I would list them in case any are helpful to you:

• keeping a spending diary for everything, both cash and card, online and in the shops
• setting myself a monthly budget for both regular bills and for my personal spending. This includes a small sum for treats, as I find this works better than trying to avoid spending altogether, and stops me feeling guilty (which brings further spending, and more guilt...)
• avoidance - in my case Monsoon and East - at least initially. I can now go in there and not get carried away
• displacement - going to the river or the woods instead of the shops, and walking for hours - I can second the good endorphins from exercise, although I don't think I'm brave enough for a wetsuit and surfing :eek:
• anoraking - I have a mega-spreadsheet which deals with all my bills, money and savings, so I know I am well in control of my money.
• MSE - great for support, displacement activity (posting instead of spending), finding bargains, reducing your expenditure...so many things...

Finally, the list above has all been very practical, and I can see that you have lots to deal with at the moment. At my lowest, I have found it great to be able to switch off, come here, and let someone make me laugh - possibly the best benefit amongst all the other benefits of being here.

aligerdie

hi emma,

I've just come across your thread, and I just wanted to send you a huge hug.

How you've coped so far, I don't know. I don't think anyone in your shoes would have been able to hold it together, whether it be shopping, alcohol, gambling, whatever - you need a release.
I think you need to sit down and talk to hubby. You need to work through this together, from finances, to housework, everything. If he can help a little more at home (regardless of how his parents ran their house) then it might give you a bit more respite.

My sister lives in jersey, and although it is idyllic and the standard of life is great, the cost of living (ie groceries) is alot higher than the mainland. (I couldn't believe the price of bread and milk! :eek: ) but the flights, and travel on top to the mainland adds even more expense. She is always on the lookout online for all the airline offers, and did get some bargain flights.

I don't know if you're on jersey, or one of the other islands, but rather than joining a gym, why not just go to the beach for a long walk? Excellent for thinking, and v healthy too! I had a few problems 3 years ago, and a trip to jersey to see my sis, along with long walks along St Ouen in the wind and rain gave me the space I needed to sort a few things out in my head.

After all this waffle, I just wanted to say good luck. You have done an amazing and brave job so far, with so much to deal with. You're in the right place now for help, and you will get so much help here.

xxx

Emmaizzy

Thanks Hollyberry

Spending diary - how does that work - silly question?

Do you write it down as you go or end of day?

Emma

Hollyberry

I usually write my spending down as I go. I keep a little diary in my bag and scribble it down when it is convenient. It helps (and I don't always remember) to keep the receipts for the little bits and pieces, as that's where I am liable to fritter stuff away (coffee, magazines, little iffits I have browsed at in the chemist...). It's whatever works for you really. I can then see where I am against my budget, and if I don't have any left, I can't spend it. (I feel such an anorak, but it's working.) I also joined the NSD (no spending day) challenge on Debt Free Wannabe; it makes me think before I take out my purse.

One other thing that has worked for me is to put the magazines I decided to keep on subscription, which has both saved me cash and generated some freebies. It keeps me out of one of my dens of vice: the newsagents (word glutton here).

As aligerdie said, it is really understandable how you have needed a release. I think the bereavement counselling sounds a great idea, and hope that it gives you the support that suits you.

Toni_Broke

Hi Emma,

You're getting some great advice on here and you sound a bit more focused now, just like to pick on the point you made of needing bereavement councelling and wondered if any one has told you about 'Welcome to Holland'? Someone showed it to me when i had my son and its so true and i've never forgotten it. Just google it and see what you think!

Tonixx