Why am I addicted to shopping and how can I stop?

Emmaizzy

I'm in a huge amount of debt about £20k. In June last year a family member loaned me £26k to pay of my credit cards and I promised not to spend again and to save - I'm so ashamed I just spent all the money again and have no savings. I did start saving but then spent the money.

I always seem to find a way to justify my irresponsible spending, ie, we've just moved and needed things (ie, washing machine), kid's birthdays, kid's growing needing new clothes and shoes, we need food - it goes on and on.

I have had some really bad problems (son recently became disabled - both mobility and blind - following an overdose in an operation) and this all seemed to start then - although to be honest I was bad before.

I am constantly worried about the money - have no idea how I'm going to pay this back and the £26k I borrowed from the family member.

I actually feel quite desperate about it almost like jumping off a bridge as I don't know if I can change or even how to - this is so my fault and I have been very selfish to do this to my family.

Anyone been there - any advice?

Emma

becky_rtw

Hi Emma,

Welcome to DFW - firstly perhaps you need to do an SOA - statement of affairs so the experts can see where are...

Secondly have you tried the 'no spend days' challenge - you get addicted to not spending money - its great

Thirdly - no matter how bad it is - its not worth jumping off a bridge for - its only money - once you get control you'll feel heaps better!

Good luck!

becky_rtw

Here you go:
http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

Get a cup of tea, all your paperwork and have a go and see what comes out!

rubyslipper

Emmaizzy wrote: »

I'm in a huge amount of debt about £20k. In June last year a family member loaned me £26k to pay of my credit cards and I promised not to spend again and to save - I'm so ashamed I just spent all the money again and have no savings. I did start saving but then spent the money.

I always seem to find a way to justify my irresponsible spending, ie, we've just moved and needed things (ie, washing machine), kid's birthdays, kid's growing needing new clothes and shoes, we need food - it goes on and on.

I have had some really bad problems (son recently became disabled - both mobility and blind - following an overdose in an operation) and this all seemed to start then - although to be honest I was bad before.

I am constantly worried about the money - have no idea how I'm going to pay this back and the £26k I borrowed from the family member.

I actually feel quite desperate about it almost like jumping off a bridge as I don't know if I can change or even how to - this is so my fault and I have been very selfish to do this to my family.

Anyone been there - any advice?

Emma

Hi Emma :hello:

First things first - welcome to the boards. You really have come to the right place and well done for finding the courage to post. As becky_rtw suggests it's a really good idea to post your SOA so you and we can see what's really going on. People on this board can recommend some great ways to start saving money instantly so it's definitely worth doing.

Secondly, I'm so sorry to hear about your son - that is bound to have had a detrimental affect on anyone so it's no wonder you've been stressed and maybe felt 'out of control'. If you are genuinely worried about your health and what the worry of debt is doing to you I recommend speaking to your GP. Don't ignore your health in all this.

I'll subscribe to this thread so do keep posting and let us know how you're getting on. Once your SOA is up I'm sure you'll get some genuinely good advice.

Ruby x

Emmaizzy

Thanks for all your support.

I will do the SOA - need info from Hubbie to complete it.

We do have cash available to dramatically reduce the debt - we can pay off about £1300 a month (but it will be tight) and I get all fired up and ready to do it but then my shopping problem gets in the way - I just don't know how to stop myself.

I think a no spend day will be okay as I don't actually spend money on a daily basis but if I go into a shop I can't leave without spending money. On the whole I try not to go into shops and I have only been into town once in the last month. I have managed to cut back on internet shopping but not completely.

I feel like I'm making progress but the downside is that I have to isolate myself in the house and with things being as they are that's not good for me either.

Shopping just makes me feel good - I'm on the VIP list for the Next sale today and I'm really looking forward to it - how sad!

Emma

Horace

Emma - try leaving your credit cards at home that way you can't spend on them and only take enough cash with you to cover your shopping i.e. groceries that are on your list.

Wear the clothes that are in your wardrobe - mix and match them and maybe change the buttons (can be done cheaply) so it looks as though you have something new when you don't. Ebay what you don't wear and above all don't shop.

As for the Next Sale make sure that you are doing something else that day such as having a No Spend Day.

poorandindenial

Hi Emma

I am a reformed shopaholic. I used to buy new clothes almost every day (and if it wasn't clothes it was make-up, toiletries, shoes, handbags or kitchen stuff oh and a lot of holidays) and was totally ott when I was buying birthday presents etc etc and would justify crazy amounts of stuff.

Often you will see people say that you need to get to the bottom of why you are spending, and while I totally agree with that I haven't really managed to do that myself. I know that shopping gave me a buzz and kind of made me feel like I 'belonged' to something. But I don't really know what was the cause of it, my parents are very anti-credit, maybe I was just rebelling.

Anyhow, I am pleased to say that I am now a million times better and please believe me when I say that it is possible to change the way that you are. I found a spending diary really useful to stop the spending, you have to make a note of EVERYTHING that you spend, every penny, and that is useful for showing you not only how much you are wasting but also acted as a real deterrent for me as I knew it would confront me every time I looked at it.

The NSD challenge is really good at giving you something to motivate you to question whether you need something. I am also in a challenge called the 100 days challenge, you nominate things that you have a weekness for and effectively ban yourself from buying them for 100 days, it has been really effective for some posters to help them break a spending cycle.

robin_banks

Tbh is this all about money?, it seems like you have an addiction, like others are to drink, gambling or drugs, yours is shopping.

The first step is recognising there is a problem, often this is the hardest as people go into denial, so you've made a big step there.

What type of debt do you have, look at the most expensive ones (typically store cards) and pay these off first.

A pair of scissors might be a good investment to cut these cards up.

Jenna

Hey Emma,

Well first of all - welcome to DFW you'll find lots of very lovely and supportive people here. Don't panic about your total debts - yes they are high, but there are people here who owe twice as much and are managing to pay it back and the debts are reducing which is the main thing, really, isn't it?

Now you say you had £26k of debt last summer when a family member loaned you money to pay it off. Do you know where this amount came from? The reason I ask is to see if the "shopping addiction" has been caused by your recent problems (which I am very sorry to hear of) - or whether it was in existence before then. It doesn't matter for me to know that, but I do think it's important you identify for yoursel the reason(s) that you're spending the money. For example you say that shopping makes you happy - does this mean that you aren't happy normally? Have you felt this way for a while? As someone already said, it could be worth talking with your doctor, please get the help and support you deserve.

Are you claiming DLA for your son and Carers Allowance for yourself? There's a website called wwww.entitledto.co.uk that will help you do a 5 min benefits check but you could also talk with your local CAB or go on the DWP website. Are you posting on the Disability & Dosh board? The guys over there are very very helpful on more specialist things. If you want more info on DLA feel free to PM me (I am currently in the process of filling in the forms myself).

Make an SOA and start keeping a spending diary (just write down what you spend). If you can't think of a reason why you spend the money, then ALSO write down how you felt before and after buying the item ... and then again how you feel about it 2 days later. The good news is that if you can get "addicted" to buying, you can also get "addicted" to saving money - it will be surprisingly easy once you get started! The rush of a fantastic bargain can't be beat

It's easy to always find a "need" to spend money on ... actually this is normally a sign that your budge isn't comprehensive enough. Use Martin's budget (it's on the site somewhere - check the articles maybe?) and then see how things are.

Please try not to worry - you are in the right place - just take it step by step and it will all fall into place.

Last but certainly not least - PLEASE don't think of jumping off a bridge or anything like that. I do know what it's like to feel that desperate but I promise you it isn't worth it. Again it's worth talking to your doctor about this - he may be able to help. You could also see a therapist or even just talk to a friend/family member about how you feel. Or we are all here to listen if you want to post or PM us.

Don't feel that you need to isolate yourself in the house to stop yourself spending. What about a walk in the park; home made picnic wth your family; have a bubble bath; have your friends bring some wine whilst you make dinner (girlie night in) - then next week, you bring the wine and they cook; watch a movie with your hubbie; etc etc.

It doesn't matter whose fault it was - and it's not like you did it on purpose so don't feel guilty for goodness sakes! - we all make mistakes and you are on the right path to correcting yours so it's OK. Does your hubbie know about the debt?

Please keep posting, you CAN get this sorted, we are all here to help

poorandindenial

Excellent post Jenna - I couldn't agree more. And I can vouch personally for the transferability of addictions...

Emma - it isn't going to be easy and you don't have to get it right first time and you will slip up from time to time, if you do then don't throw it all away, instead take a deep breath, chalk it up and carry on trying to be 'good' and eventually the slip ups will become fewer and fewer and you will start to think differently and behave differently without even trying.

You CAN take control of all of this and you WILL feel much better when you start to.

fairydiamond

I don't mean to pry here, but you say your son became disabled following an overdose in an operation? Was this malpractise? Or have I just confused myself?