Please help me with my 16 year old DD

Bebsie

This is going to be a long one, sorry but I need advice. This is about my 16 year old DD1 (17 in two months). About nine months ago she was going out with this guy and they broke up, she was in pieces as they had been together for about 9 months and she really liked him. All her friends had also fallen out with her and then he refused to talk to her etc, she managed to pick up the pieces and made new friends as the other friends were all friends with this guy. She has made some lovely friends and things have been fine at home since she started hanging around with these new friends (with the other ones there were one or two occasions where she had had some alcohol, lying etc). Now all of a sudden I heard her talking to her ex on the phone on Saturday night. I asked her and she told me it was none of my business. Today things seemed weird as she told me she wanted to get another bus to her 6th form college as she wanted to get there early ??? none of this added up and I had this horrid feeling. I sent her a txt asking where she was and she said in lessons. Well I phoned the school and they said she is not there! I finally got hold of her and she was with this guy, I told her to come home and she said no and screamed and shouted and told me she was moving out!!!! She did this once before when she was going out with him and ended up not coming home one night. We told her if she ever did that again (not come home), then she can really and truly go. So she has still not come home and I have not heard a thing. I don’t know what to do, she is normally so good, loves her 6th form, goes to a grammar school and is an A/A* student. She is very lazy at home and does nothing to help, I do two jobs to try and have some extra’s in our life, as well as all the cleaning, washing etc…… I have seriously had enough, especially with the fact that she keeps saying she is going to move out. I told her this boy is not welcome in my house, and he is not as he followed all her other friends and treated her like rubbish when she was hurting and I cannot stand him…I really don’t know what to do. I know I have also made mistakes…

nomoneytoday

Maybe let the boy be seen as part of the family. Rebels are less attractive when approved of

poorly_scammo

What does her dad say about this?

Problem is, the more you denounce this boy, the more she'll cling to him as an act of rebellion.

Perhaps once she does come home you need to talk to her. Notice I said 'talk' not shout or rant, just talk and ask her questions about him. Try and be non-confrontational if possible. You might get more out of her that way?

gratefulforhelp_2

Bebsie wrote: »

This is going to be a long one, sorry but I need advice. This is about my 16 year old DD1 (17 in two months). About nine months ago she was going out with this guy and they broke up, she was in pieces as they had been together for about 9 months and she really liked him. All her friends had also fallen out with her and then he refused to talk to her etc, she managed to pick up the pieces and made new friends as the other friends were all friends with this guy. She has made some lovely friends and things have been fine at home since she started hanging around with these new friends (with the other ones there were one or two occasions where she had had some alcohol, lying etc). Now all of a sudden I heard her talking to her ex on the phone on Saturday night. I asked her and she told me it was none of my business. Today things seemed weird as she told me she wanted to get another bus to her 6th form college as she wanted to get there early ??? none of this added up and I had this horrid feeling. I sent her a txt asking where she was and she said in lessons. Well I phoned the school and they said she is not there! I finally got hold of her and she was with this guy, I told her to come home and she said no and screamed and shouted and told me she was moving out!!!! She did this once before when she was going out with him and ended up not coming home one night. We told her if she ever did that again (not come home), then she can really and truly go. So she has still not come home and I have not heard a thing. I don’t know what to do, she is normally so good, loves her 6th form, goes to a grammar school and is an A/A* student. She is very lazy at home and does nothing to help, I do two jobs to try and have some extra’s in our life, as well as all the cleaning, washing etc…… I have seriously had enough, especially with the fact that she keeps saying she is going to move out. I told her this boy is not welcome in my house, and he is not as he followed all her other friends and treated her like rubbish when she was hurting and I cannot stand him…I really don’t know what to do. I know I have also made mistakes…

This sounds terribly hard for you, and it is probably hard for her too. Please be very careful about delivering ultimatums to her, unless you are sure you can live with the consequences. It's good advice to suggest welcoming into the family, however much your teeth are seriously and privately gritted. Al least you will know where she is and that she is safe.

has she tried part-time work yet? maybe that would help her to realise how hard "real life" can be is she drops out of A levels?

Good luck

Glen0000

Almost 20 years ago I was the boy and my wife was the girl. Same thing, wife missed school to be with me, parents didn't like me etc etc. My wife said she would move out, her parents said go and she did and never went back. She was 17. Not soon after she was pregnant.

VERY VERY luckily things worked out for us. We are happiliy married and have a beautiful DD. BUT things could have been very different.

Accept this chap, don't make too much of a fuss. I would never put our DD in the position our wife was put in. She will leave if you push her and that is the last thing you want.

Bebsie

Thanks for the advice so far, i have been begging her to get a part time job but she could not be bothered! She has handed her CV out to a few places but is not really actively looking, she sadi that some way or other she manages to get money - surveys etc. It drives me crazy! My hubby and I had a long long chat to her last time and told her if she stayed away from home again then that will be it, she does not come back again, she understood and accepted it! I cannot tell you how tired I am, we both work so hard and she just seems to be knocking us down ALL the time...... Sorry, I don;t mean to sound pathetic.... I am at the stage where I feel she must just do what she wants. It is a constant battle with her,.

Idiophreak

Not having a go, OP - but consider paragraphing your post a bit - many people are disinclined to read substantial blocks of text, so you'll maximise your responses by breaking it up a little...

Bebsie

Glen0000 wrote: »

Almost 20 years ago I was the boy and my wife was the girl. Same thing, wife missed school to be with me, parents didn't like me etc etc. My wife said she would move out, her parents said go and she did and never went back. She was 17. Not soon after she was pregnant.

VERY VERY luckily things worked out for us. We are happiliy married and have a beautiful DD. BUT things could have been very different.

Accept this chap, don't make too much of a fuss. I would never put our DD in the position our wife was put in. She will leave if you push her and that is the last thing you want.

Funnily enough I was in the same situation, I will accept this guy but it is the lies and the going behind my back I can't deal with. Skipping school is also not on whenn she is doing her A levels and should be concentrating on work - her aim is to go to Oxford, not possible if you skipping school. Where do you draw the line, do you just let them get away with it (lies, skipping school etc) just "in case" they leave home, do i have to walk on egg shells and let her treat me like !!!!!! just "in case" she leaves home? I am just so fed up1

Bebsie

Idiophreak wrote: »

Not having a go, OP - but consider paragraphing your post a bit - many people are disinclined to read substantial blocks of text, so you'll maximise your responses by breaking it up a little...

I Know, i know, I was just upset I was not thinking about paragraphs!

annie2005

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

It's good advice to suggest welcoming into the family, however much your teeth are seriously and privately gritted. Al least you will know where she is and that she is safe.

In our family we had a similar situation but felt that we couldn't go as far as welcoming the relationship into the family circle.

The compromise was to say that she was always welcome. That we weren't going to condemn her relationship. But neither did we want to have anything to do with this person.

It took five long years but when they at last finished she still had links to the rest of us and we were able to be a non-judgemental safe haven from which she could rebuild her life. In our case the deciding factor was that despite his criminal record we were possibly facing the future father of her children so didn't want to alienate her. It worked out because he liked the fact she could touch up the family for cash. We liked the fact that she still felt that she could come to us. Though even now she's not the happy person she was before he got his hooks into her. And there are without a doubt resentments within the family on all sides that haven't healed.

belfastgirl23

Okay I think you are going to have to negotiate with your daughter. You need to tell her that you do have concerns about this boy she is seeing but that you trust her judgement and you're prepared to try to work with her on it. First thing is that you will have to make friends with him. Through gritted teeth or on tranquillisers if necessary.

But the other side of this, if you are treating her as adult then she needs to behave as adult. Prioritise what you want from her. I'm assuming school is non negotiable. So which would you prefer, chores or getting a part time job? You may need to take a softly softly approach with this one though.