Please help me with my 16 year old DD

Mini_Bear

I was in this position a few yrs ago with a now ex boyfriend that my parents did not like. i was at 6th form college too but had a part time job at tesco. My parents kept well bak and showed no interest in my relationship or the guy, they wud nag every so often too "hes not good enough for you" etc etc. needless to say this joint little protest my parents had worked and i realised there were better guys out there. i went off to uni with my head held high and found another boyf within weeks. its a timing thing really at your daughters age. if she is serious about her a-levels and is prepared to put the time in i would step bak from her relationships. its terrible to see some1 make an obvious mistake but its the best lesson to learn.
Be strong OP. Why dont you save up and go away just your partner and you. Let your daughter sort herself out food wise for a few weeks (that will be a wake up call too!)

Bebsie

Thanks to all of you for your advice and experiences! To be honest I think I am just a bit hurt and upset by the lies and the threat of moving out all of the time, like any mother I only want what is best for my DD1.

I don't really know what to do..... she is still not home and I am sure she willm spend the evening at her friends house. it's just not right

onetomany

Bebsie wrote: »

Thanks to all of you for your advice and experiences! To be honest I think I am just a bit hurt and upset by the lies and the threat of moving out all of the time, like any mother I only want what is best for my DD1.

I don't really know what to do..... she is still not home and I am sure she willm spend the evening at her friends house. it's just not right

carnt you text her and say sorry you didnt mean it, is their anychance she could come home for a chat, i know its diffrnt but my 12 year old son kept saying to me im leaving im living with my dad untill i said ok, you can but you must take your frount door key with you incase you want to come back, his dad came over but he didnt go and he hasnt said it seince, good luck hun

Reds-on-Sea

I can relate to this from your daughters POV. Your daughter is obviously a bright young lady, she's doing very well at a grammar school.

I remember being 17. I knew my own mind at 17. I had a waster boyfriend, granted, yes, he distracted my from schoolwork, but I soon realised what a loser he was and dropped him. You should give your daughter a little more credit. My parents hated my boyfriend, but seriously - the more they hated him and nagged me, the more I was determined to hang out with him. Sounds silly now. Relationships at 17 very rarely last.

They soon realised that I'd do what I wanted anyway, and respected my judgement after I'd explained to them.

I assume your daughter's school is single sex, as mine was. It seems to me as though you're being a bit hard on her. A levels are hard work! You can get exhausted from mental strain as well as physical strain too. You can't take it so personally - really. It sounds like a clich!, but that's what teenagers are like - almost all of them. I look back at what I was like, and compare myself to a scene from Kevin & Perry!

I hate to say this, and it will sound harsh, but....It's not all about you.

Of course you want the best for your daughter, but you can't control her. You've said so yourself, she's an A/A* student. One of my friends was too - her mother was very controlling and you know what happened? Once she finally got to uni and had her freedom, she went wild and partied and ended up dropping out of uni.

And you think no kids get caught drinking ever? It's part of growing up and social interaction. Even the nice, bright kids. It sounds as if you are a little too involved with your daughters life. Geez, my parents didn't know if I'd fallen out with people/had rows with boyfriend! etc That really was none of their business! You're her mum, not her best friend.


Obviously if it's a really bad crowd (I'm talking drugs/thieving etc) then by all means what you're doing is right. Nothing you've said indicated that though, and what you've mainly said is arguments/falling out etc and the fact that you're trying to protect your girl from more heartache. You can't protect her from this. Yes, she'll get upset, but that's life. She's learning from it.

And please don't give her an ultimatum, you'll destroy her self esteem, and that'll do more damage than anything. If she thinks her own parents think she's a waste of space - the only love that should really be unconditional then she'll feel worthless.

Reds-on-Sea

p.s. can I just add, the screaming & stuff is probably down to the fact that she feels like she's being spied on. It's frustrating being a teenager, you think you're being clever, then your mum comes along and makes it clear that she knows exactly where you are/what you're up to! She probably just wants some privacy/independence.

Not saying that you turn a blind eye - it's purely meant as an insight to maybe put yourself in her shoes

Good luck, she'll be home soon. Talk to her about how well she's doing at school and all the wonderful things she can do with her life. Don't talk about the boyfriend. She'll find her way soon enough.

Bebsie

Thanks for your POV Reds-on-sea, you are right, I know I probably am too involved in my daughters life but she tells me these things and I just could not bear her being hurt by this "slime ball" again.

She is at a friends house now (her friends mum phoned me), I think it's best if she stayed there tonight and we both need a bit of space. I have a lot of thinking to do and I guess she has to make her own mistakes. we will have a chat tomorrow (with my hubby) and see what we can come up with BUT I absolutely cannot turn a blind eye to her skipping school, that is serious at this stage in her education.

j-josie

Sending you hugs honey.

Was in similar position myself a few years ago. Previously well behaved, quiet, model student DD went off the rails at about 16. Bad b/f, started drinking, skipping school - mostly all down to low self esteem. Lost good friends and found some dodgy ones, mainly due to b/f. Believe me, this behaviour was like a bomb going off in our loving and well ordered home!!

Although we were tearing hair out (finding photos to give the police at 2am while they search for unstable DD is not an experience to be recommended as all you can think is 'they want the photos to identify any body they find..'), the one thing I insisted on was expressing to her that while we hated her behaviour, we still loved HER. And she always had a home and a family who cared for her. We quasi tolerated b/f for a while..but then even she opened her eyes to what a user he was. Trust me, a bad lad cannot deceive a bright girl forever..

We really patrolled the attendance at school and many's the time I had to dash from work to track her down and take her back when she went walkabout!

But, she is 19 now, at uni, bright and loving and independent; loving life and grateful for the fact that we did not give up on her when she did her best to live up to the hateful image of herself that she had, as without our refusal to give up on her, she might have just dropped out of education and sunk without trace..

So, hopefully it may be a case of 'this too will pass'..just hang on in there and try to keep lines of communication open. Best of luck

PS One unlooked for high spot was that when the police did come round that night at about 2am, they were huge and dishy and even in my distress I could not help but notice that;)
Keeping a sense of humour is very important too!

Bebsie

Thank you j-josie, I am hoping this will pass, DH is so angry and said that she can just move out and he does not care, now we all know this is the wrong attitude to have and it's causing arguments between the two of us! I know it's important to stick together at a time like this but he can't see it. He thinks she is being selfish and cannot understand it. Agg another day, I live in hope

barnaby-bear

Bebsie wrote: »

Funnily enough I was in the same situation, I will accept this guy but it is the lies and the going behind my back I can't deal with. Skipping school is also not on whenn she is doing her A levels and should be concentrating on work - her aim is to go to Oxford, not possible if you skipping school. Where do you draw the line, do you just let them get away with it (lies, skipping school etc) just "in case" they leave home, do i have to walk on egg shells and let her treat me like !!!!!! just "in case" she leaves home? I am just so fed up1

Little history of university going in the family, low-income?
Lots of residential courses at universities to send her on and focus the mind, might even meet a nice boy...

http://www.cam.ac.uk/admissions/undergraduate/opendays/

http://www.ox.ac.uk/admissions/undergraduate_courses/working_with_schools_and_colleges/index.html

http://www.ox.ac.uk/admissions/undergraduate_courses/working_with_schools_and_colleges/sutton_trust_summer.html#ahow_much_will_it_cost_me

January20

Bebsie wrote: »

Thanks for your POV Reds-on-sea, you are right, I know I probably am too involved in my daughters life but she tells me these things and I just could not bear her being hurt by this "slime ball" again.

She is at a friends house now (her friends mum phoned me), I think it's best if she stayed there tonight and we both need a bit of space. I have a lot of thinking to do and I guess she has to make her own mistakes. we will have a chat tomorrow (with my hubby) and see what we can come up with BUT I absolutely cannot turn a blind eye to her skipping school, that is serious at this stage in her education.

I have a 16 year old DD too and she has just been hurt by her first (not so good) boyfriend, so I know what you are going through.

You have to be her safety net. If you look back to when you were that age, you possibly didn't want your parents interfering in your love life or in your friendships. Let her get on with it and learn from her own mistakes. Be there for her when she needs you but at the moment you are the judgemental enemy.

Stop threats of throwing her out and ignore her threats of moving out. Neither of you wants that so what is the point?

She lies to you because she feels she can't trust you and because she knows you will not approve and tell her not to do what she wants to do.

Have a sensible chat with her and tell her what you expect of her in terms of her studies, chores and/ job and explain why. Then give her the responsiblity for it. It's her life. It's her future. She is in charge. She does it for herself, not for you. And if she fails because of her attitude, bad behaviour and/ or boyfriend it will be her responsibility not yours. But make it clear to her that it is your way of thinking.

And then take a step back and let her get on with it.

I certainly do that with my daughter. It was hard at first. It still is, but she knows I will always be here for her.