Please help me with my 16 year old DD

WolfSong2000

It's not just teenagers who exhibit this kind of behavior...I'm at uni and share a flat with 4 other girls, one of whom does my nut in when it comes to guys. She broke up from her (in all honesty godawful) ex boyfriend last year - his excuse was he'd found a girl at work he fancied, and so wanted to dump my friend. Can't say I was surprised - friend even told me that her older sister knew this guy and had warned her to stay away from him as he was bad news.

Anyhow, roll on to 2009 and a few weeks ago, the ex started sidling back into her life, taking her out to dinner, etc...I will admit, it's caused more than a few arguments between us, as I am worried about her. She does have a lot of casual sex (self esteem issues) and she's now off the pill as well, so while I know it's not any of my business I was warning her not to sleep with him, etc, which kicked off massive rows...

Anyhow, she's still dating him, so I've had to alter my approach. I'm there to listen to her when she needs to talk (like when she was at his and his ex (the one he'd dumped her for) turned up drunk on his doorstep, etc), and I try to get my point across as calmly and non-judgementally as possible. Touch-wood no rows, but I think she's still aware that I really hate the b*stard.

In the end, you can't control people's behavior - with my friend it's like watching a repeat car crash in slow motion over and over and over again without being able to do anything to strop it - she has casual sex with a guy, they break up, she's heartbroken and then the cycle starts all over again. I hate seeing her go through it, but you can have all the "discussions" in the world and sometimes it makes no difference...you just have to be there to make sure you can pick up the pieces afterwards.

LilDevil

WolfSong2000 wrote: »

In the end, you can't control people's behavior - with my friend it's like watching a repeat car crash in slow motion over and over and over again without being able to do anything to strop it - she has casual sex with a guy, they break up, she's heartbroken and then the cycle starts all over again. I hate seeing her go through it, but you can have all the "discussions" in the world and sometimes it makes no difference...you just have to be there to make sure you can pick up the pieces afterwards.

I've got a 40-year-old friend like that, one disaster after another - I'm sure she has lots of self-esteem issues as she drinks very heavily - to the point where I've told her that I think she's an alcoholic (and I still stand by that now!!).

In her more rational moments, she knows I say things like that because I care, but generally any advice falls on deaf ears.

She has be told in no uncertain terms that there are two particular exes of hers that certainly are not welcome at my wedding as her guest, so to please not even ask!

I a long-winded way, all I'm trying to say is be there for her, it all you can do!!

movingon

Dont tell her she has to go if she is basically a good girl. I know you are tired and weary, but you and your DH are her safety rock. I had problems with my 16 year old son and told him to go. He did and not did it only break my heart, he went off the rails completley as he believed there was no one to care. Things have never been the same since. In retrospect and in the cold calm light of day, I was just exhausted by him and perhaps as someone here has said, the best thing to do is have a break yourself, get away for a short break from the relentless job and emotional mess of trying to be a good parent.

Pee

When I was 16, I was in a similiar position. My parents hated the boyfriend and banned me from seeing him. I kept seeing him and it went ok for a bit and then I got caught, lots of rows, not allowed etc and they would trust me again... and it went round in circles.

I worked weekends and earned £20 a week and I looked at every way possible of moving out and carrying on with my A levels. I couldn't find a way, and I don't think I could now, so I won't be too hard on my younger self.

Eventually, with all this hassle and me not seeing much of him, we split up. I went away to University. I have done what I wanted to do careerwise and it's probably fair to say in that respect my parents are pleased with me. They have hated every boyfriend that I have had since, without meeting most of them. My mother even told me recently that they "could have learned to like" him.

Being 16, I felt so deeply in love and emotional about everything. It seemed perfectly real to me and I spent a lot of time being suicidal.

They were quite right. I didn't need him, I could and would meet someone else. The trouble is that I also found out that I didn't need them.

He was a lovely boy and we could have been happy together, but I know I have been happier leading the life I have done. My parents would have been very much happier if I had of stayed with him.

I agree with the involve him in the family comments, he'll get bored and/or behave badly and she will be ready to move on in her own time. And if she isn't, then how much better you actually know him?