chances of him getting residence order...

anguk

I'm guessing you split with your husband when you were pregnant with your youngest? The older girls lived with you, then about 6 months ago you moved North with all three children to live with your girlfriend. After a couple of months the elder girls were missing home/their dad and you also felt under pressure from your family who are still down south so you agreed that the girls could go and live with their Dad and they've now been there for about 4 months.

You've tried to see the two girls but their dad keeps refusing you contact, he has never really had any contact with your youngest daughter (who is still living with you) but now he has decided to try and get a residence order.

You really need to get proper legal advice, the courts should do what is best for the children. Looking at it from the outside I would think that it's best if the elder two remain with their Dad and you get regular contact and the youngest should stay with you but her Dad should also be able to have regular contact if he wishes.

DEBT_23

update, my gf has spoken to him to resolve this as she has heard diff tales from her mum ! he is happy with contact for siblings 2 wkends a mth, ie he has her 1wkend my gf has other 2 children for 1 wkend etc, tho he will more than likely give up drivin up ere, he says he only wanted to put my gf thru this because he knew it would get to her and wanted nothin more than to f++k her off (his words) shes not gettin her hopes up yet, not untill she gets a letter back from his solicitor agreein the terms that she has proposed to him. if he and his solicitor do agree to this and he dosnt turn up when hes supposed to wat would happen then? could my gf stop him from seein her?

tamlem

DEBT_23 wrote: »

update, my gf has spoken to him to resolve this as she has heard diff tales from her mum ! he is happy with contact for siblings 2 wkends a mth, ie he has her 1wkend my gf has other 2 children for 1 wkend etc, tho he will more than likely give up drivin up ere, he says he only wanted to put my gf thru this because he knew it would get to her and wanted nothin more than to f++k her off (his words) shes not gettin her hopes up yet, not untill she gets a letter back from his solicitor agreein the terms that she has proposed to him. if he and his solicitor do agree to this and he dosnt turn up when hes supposed to wat would happen then? could my gf stop him from seein her?

I apologise unreservedly if i'm wrong but it seems almost like this is something you want to happen, ie you dont want your gfs childs biological father to have anything to do with his child?

I think it has to be remembered that your gf moved miles and miles away from her ex (for whatever reasons) and that has now led to her being seperated from her older children too.

I think it has to be in the best interests of all the children for them to have good relationships with both of their parents and with each other as siblings. I hope this works out and your gfs ex sticks to his word.

Also your post reads as if the children will be swapped so when she has the older two the younger will be away with dad? Whilst I can appreciate the complexities, surely it is better for the three children to spend time together?

Whilst I sympathise, as adults we make decisions and we often make mistakes but children should not end up suffering as a result of them.

I dont doubt your dedication to your gfs youngest or how loved she is but i think any long term care plan should try to include regular contact with dad and siblings.

Felicity

I agree with the above poster, surely it is in the childrens interest to all spend time together. 'Swapping' them over between parents will be very confusing for them and will not allow them to know each other at all.

I seem to think there is more to this story than you are managing to elaborate on with forum posts. Perhaps you have come up with the 'swapping' solution through a difficult decision route that is not coming across in your posts.

I wish you all the best (and in particular your children) because this all seems very messy and I am guessing there are a number of agendas other than the childrens best interest in play.

KellyWelly

From personal experience think it's terrible for sibling groups to be separated and I don't think you will look back in 20 years and say 'yeah, it was the right decision'. I'm not going to suggest for a second that anyone should stay with an abusive partner but equally fleeing miles and miles away and leaving your children behind (with an abusive parent!!???!!) is a questionable decision. This thread makes me feel really sad for your children. I find it hard to believe you and their dad are putting them through this but then you're not the first. Sad.

DEBT_23

my gf does support me financially,
the arrangement with my ex is that he has the youngest one weekend so they spend time with her siblings and a diff weekend i have the other 2 up here with my youngest, i never said i wanted money from my ex my arguement is tht he has never botherd with her, i hate him so much and i rather he didnt have anything to do with my youngest has he has had none in the past, she is 13mth old and he has spent 2 hrs with her.
my gf supports what i want, which is for him to have no contact. he has made it clear he is only doing it to !!!! me off , he aint botherd about the child. his words. my gf sees this like i do, she is wanted and loved up here with all she knows, why should he do it for the worng reasons.. i agree with her, it aint fair for him to mess the younger one around when he has no interest in her.
my gf did say she wud move down south to me. it was me that wanted to move away, i aint really close to my family and my ex made it clear when we split 2 yrs ago that if i got with anyone else he would beat them up.
as for him paying maintenance towards her i dont expect him too nor want him too, my arguement was surely if he wanted residence of her then he would at least of made an effort or contributed to her when he was working.
my solicitors are jst dealing with a letter of agrement of dates etc when we each see the children. by no means are we swapping, when he has the youngest she will b down south with her older sisters and when i have them 2 they will b up here with their younger sister.
i agree it isnt ideal but considering the youngest has pretty much only ever known herself to b a only child, then contact of 2 weekends a mth is suitable giving distrance.
real world is not a easy place to be in, but i made a choice to have a happy life and to be in a loving relationship. ideal world i would of loved my family to support me and for the other 2 children to like being up here.
the other 2 children have always been together never seperated which i thought was paramount i would never split them up, at the time of moving away etc my youngest was nearly 6mths and was too young to understand anything, why should i sacrifice my youngest daughter to be living with a man who doesnt want her just to be with her siblings all because i want to be happy, after years of abuse from this man i feel i deserve this. ok my youngest and my other 2 will live completly different lives, but they are all in the enviroments where they are loved and happy.

KellyWelly

I didn't say you should live with him, in fact I indicated the opposite.

With all due respect I don't think you're considering your children in this at all. You keep on and on about what you and your girlfriend want and justify it by saying he is abusive and you deserve to be happy. What about your obligation to be a mother to the 3 children you brought into the world? Why are these exclusive of each other? Like you said yourself, life isn't easy, but you brought 3 children into this world. You've run off and left 2 of them with a man you say is violent and abusive yet claim they are loved and happy.

Sometimes you have to get on with things for the sake of your children. Moving to the next town is one thing but hundreds of miles away is a whole different thing again. I don't believe for one second that your older children are happy and settled and better off away from you. Just like I wouldn't believe they would be if they never saw their dad. You seem so worried about disrupting the youngest one's life by moving or (God forbid!!) she saw her father yet it was ok for you to leave the other two who are much olde,r when all they had ever know was being around you and having you love them and care for them in their every day lives? !!!!!!???

I guess you are about 20, 21? You are acting like a child, a spoiled brat at that. I can't imagine ever acting like this, this is no way to be a mother to your children. Stop the stupid squabbling with your ex and think of what your children need. You will regret this one day and then it will all be too late.

laurenjs88

That is absolutley shocking bad parenting...

I cannot begin to fathom how you thought it was appropriate to spilt the children up and move 153 miles away... thats possibly the most selfish thing ive ever heard.

Your children are 4, 2 and 1 they shouldnt be in a situation like this....

And who are you to say that your childrens father shouldnt see your 1yr old just because you dont want him too? It sounds like your one year old may indeed be better off with her siblings.

Your childrens father may not be that interested in your one year old, but that could be for plenty of reasons more than you say, hes suddenly become a single parent to 2 pre-schoolers, had to give up his job etc...

But he obviously cares enough about the welfare of all 3 of the children to want to keep them all together.

It comes across that you are far more concerned about getting away from your family and escaping their negativty of you being in a same sex relationship than the welfare of your children.

Now before you jump on me, im not saying your a bad mother but you need a mighty smack with the reality stick. and you need to have a good think about what damage you are all doing to your daughters.

You go on about an abusive realtionship, yet leave your children with this man,so was it really abusive or did you feel so pressured and unhappy because you felt you couldnt be true to yourself?

I dont think there is any parent in the world that would ever leave their children with an abusive ex, whether or not the children were abused.

Felicity

OP, we have well drifted away from your original question now but I think you have stirred up a lot of feelings with your posts from parents (myself included).

I just cant get out of my mind that you are living a cosy little life with your little girl whilst there are 2 children left behind with an abusive father and all 3 of these children are now simply pawns in a vindictive game.

From the way you talk, you seem to have so much love and respect for your little girl that is living with you but I have not seen any evidence that you feel the same way about the other 2 children. I wonder why this is.

You also say that your little girl is used to this life of no father, no siblings etc yet she is so very, very young and will be very adaptable. My little boy is 16 months old and am sure would be absolutely delighted to have 2 other little relations come and visit him frequently. Even if completely out of the blue.

If those were my 2 children left behind (not that I would have ever left them behind) I would go through hell and high water to ensure they were back with me and we were all together as a family unit. That means you and your children, whilst I appreciate you love your girlfriend, she should be prioritised after your childrens welfare and happiness.

I suspect we have only got a glimpse of the facts but from what you have said, my thoughts are that it probably would indeed be best left to the professionals to look at both your and your ex's family life, situation, environment and determine who is the best parent for all three of the children.

I wish you all the best of luck and hope this concludes with a situation which is in the best interest of all THREE of your children.

DEBT_23

if i thought i would get them back i would. the 4 yr old is brainwashed against me of her father, the 2 yr old misses me, and i miss them both dearly. if i fort it would of ending up with him being this way once he has them i wouldnt of allowed it. my youngest isnt up here alone, she has contact every other day with my gf's neice n nephew and other babays in family.
i didnt chose my gf over my children i was led to believe of my family and him that this was a win win situation and i could see them when ever i wanted, he has had the other 2 children for 3mths now and i have seen them once. it breaks my heart, but i cannot move down south now, my gf isnt welcome ,my ex will beat her up ( or anyone im with) and im unhappy when im down there. i do want my children up here it jst wasnt working. he is a good father to them 2 i wont deny tht, but as for the youngest he in the past called her a c*nt and allsors of nasty names, i managed to have a civil conversation with him sunday night and he said he was only presuing the residence of her to fcuk me over and make me unhappy with nothing. it aint over the welfare that all 3 should remain together!! he has a child from a previous gf ( his first) who he has no contact with. she made it clear he wasnt welcome in his sons life !!!
yes im 21. some of you dont agree with my decision but at the time, if i knew it would of ended up like this belive me it wouldnt of happened. i was never happy down south, i was the black sheep of the family and other than my ex picking the 2 children up sat nyt to sun afternoon each week( he didnt want the baby) no-one came round to visit me or the children, stuck in a council flat day in day out with a 4yr old and 2yr old and baby for conversation is mad ,sends you stir crazy, i was never happy, stupid me and narrowminded family i kept being gay a secret and ended up getting with him 11 yrs older thn me. even my mum seen me blakc n blue and told me to keep the family together !!! i met my gf who is my soul mate i have never been happier, she would of moved down south in a heartbeat for me and if it wasnt for my ex wanting to ruin it for me that would of happened. ok manchester is 153 miles away from were i grew up but i have never felt more at home. i jst wish all 3 children was with me. i may sound like i favouritse my 1yr old.. but i is all she has ever known, my family never botherd with her and her father never did, maybe why i feel more protective of her and want to keep her away from the him and family who dont care about her.
yes i get he has PR and he can see her etc, bt he really dont want her, he would put the other 2 b4 her. it may sound petty to some, but i dont see why he should see her for all the wrong reasons.!

and no it wasnt pressure , he was abusive, at one point a knife put to my neck because i didnt want s*x ! not a very nice man, maybe y he prays on younger women, i never thought i would have become to soft and controlled by a man likfe tht, i wasnt allowed out with friends, he told me what to wear etc. even jst sat there watching tv i could feel him looking at him and then hear him say your a fcukin sl*t, slag and fukin ugly.. on a daily bases he was like tht.
i dont know why i agreed for them 2 to live with him, all 3 mean the world to me, part of me also thought him having them 2 he would leave me be and stay out of my life.