advice please

Smashing

sheryl26 wrote: »

i just don't want her trying to make up for what she never did for him through my child not only is that unfair on my OH but i don't want her to think she can used my son

Through our child.

Again, how does your OH feel about his mother?

Nikabella

Me again, sorry.

Just to say I agree with the others though about healing things where you can. My parents weren't the best parents, however, they are wonderful grandparents. I am not jealous of this & I am very grateful that they have a good relationship with my DD, even if they didn't have this with me. My relationship with them has improved immensely since having my DD & I have chosen to forget & forgive things that have gone before, as that is what is best for my DD.

A.x

Janepig

sheryl26 wrote: »

she's never really been a mum to him even when he was younger, she used to palm him off on anyone who would look after him,

To go and do what? Work? Or go out on the lash. Or do you mean she didn't bring him up exactly as you were brought up or would want to bring your child up, not necessarily that she brought him up badly. He must have turned out okay seeing as you're prepared to have a child with him.

Most people are quite different towards their grandchildren than they were with their own children for lots of reasons - more time, mellowing out, times a changing etc...

As afew people have said, what does your OH think about how you feel? After all it's his baby too, not just yours. And why shouldn't the baby have a good relationship with its grandmother? My mum died just before my eldest child was born and I'd give anything for them to have known each other. And lord knows an extra pair of hands is always welcome when you've got a newborn, even if she just makes you a cup of tea whilst you feed the baby.

Jxx

lolababy

Nobody is born perfect and the same goes for being a parent. Give his mum a chance. It maybe that she has had time to reflect on her mistakes. I did not realise what being a parent entailed until I had my son.
Things would have been different when his mum had him. Maybe she did not have supportive people around her. You dont know how you will be as a parent. Im sure that you think all will be fine. His mother may have thought she would be a great parent.
Try not to be judgemental and let her be a part of your childs life. If It does not work out at least you tried,

annifranakapan

sheryl26 wrote: »

i just don't want her trying to make up for what she never did for him through my child not only is that unfair on my OH but i don't want her to think she can used my son

No doubt you'd complain if she wanted nothing to do with the baby. For goodness sake give her a chance - if she messes up at least you'll know you acted correctly.

This new baby may just bring a lot of healing between your partner and his Mother.

Enjoy your pregnancy and don't go looking for trouble before it occurs. She may just turn out to be the best Grandmother ever.

Best wishes for your pregnancy and new arrival.

A

Supermom

Your OH mum sounds just like my mother in law I gave her a chance against my better judgement (long story). That was the biggest mistake of my life.
She nearly broke up my marriage, with all the xxxx she threw at me and my hubby was too blind to see she was doing anything wrong. She tried to interfere in everything, even so far as having the biggest fit (crying and throwing herself on the floor, no lie!!!) when she was told that she would not be allowed in the delivery room (over my dead body!!!) and not moving in with us to help for 6 months.

My husband finally saw her for what she was after we told her she couldn't baby sit (this was after she was caught feeding my strictly breast fed baby formula milk, her excuse was I was starving my daughter to death and she would die!!! there was a little bit more but I try really hard not to remember) unhappy at this she then demanded my husband get a DNA test as the baby was not his and he should move back and live with her.

These are only some of the nasty, evil things out of this womans mouth, just thinking about her makes me shake.

She is totally cut off and that's how it will stay.
I'm not saying that you'll have the same problems, but please be careful some grannys go bonkers (some are gifts from god, like hubbys STPM and my mom)
If you want feel free to PM I have a link to a site about MIL thats full of great advice on how to handle the difficult ones.

Just remember this is your baby, yours and your partners, no one else has any right to your child and you should trust your own mind and feelings as to who you child has contact with.
Good luck

Janepig

Supermom wrote: »

Your OH mum sounds just like my mother in law I gave her a chance against my better judgement (long story). That was the biggest mistake of my life.
She nearly broke up my marriage, with all the xxxx she threw at me and my hubby was too blind to see she was doing anything wrong. She tried to interfere in everything, even so far as having the biggest fit (crying and throwing herself on the floor, no lie!!!) when she was told that she would not be allowed in the delivery room (over my dead body!!!) and not moving in with us to help for 6 months.

My husband finally saw her for what she was after we told her she couldn't baby sit (this was after she was caught feeding my strictly breast fed baby formula milk, her excuse was I was starving my daughter to death and she would die!!! there was a little bit more but I try really hard not to remember) unhappy at this she then demanded my husband get a DNA test as the baby was not his and he should move back and live with her.

These are only some of the nasty, evil things out of this womans mouth, just thinking about her makes me shake.

She is totally cut off and that's how it will stay.
I'm not saying that you'll have the same problems, but please be careful some grannys go bonkers (some are gifts from god, like hubbys STPM and my mom)
If you want feel free to PM I have a link to a site about MIL thats full of great advice on how to handle the difficult ones.

Just remember this is your baby, yours and your partners, no one else has any right to your child and you should trust your own mind and feelings as to who you child has contact with.
Good luck

Not all in-laws and grandparents are monsters. And although you have described yours as being a bit of a nightmare, sometimes you have to just turn a blind eye to some of the lesser stuff. I'm not the biggest fan of my in-laws, but they're okay and DD and DS adore them. DD goes to MIL's house after school 3 days a week and gets given fruit shoots, pasties, crisps and sweets, all stuff I would never ever give her, but it's only until July as I'm going to be working school hours from September and she won't be needed so I grit my teeth and bear it, also knowing that DH won't confront her about it. However perhaps if DD had a weight problem (which she doesn't, she has the physique of a racing snake :rolleyes:) then I would say something now.

I tend to find that me and DH are here to be the strict ones, MIL, FIL and my dad dish out the treats! Although my dad is more willing to go along with what I say - I caught him giving DD a sweet (like a fruit polo type of thing) before school the other day so I asked him not to as she'd just brushed her teeth - he took no offence and said "yeah, fine, didn't think, sorry". Which I've just realised kind of makes me sound like some of the slightly bonkers posters on this forum :rolleyes::D.

Jxx

yoni_one

The relationship between grandparent and child can be something to be treasured by both.

I hear what you are saying but if you take this stance to make a point to her that you disapprove of the way she has treated your partner, you could eventually deprive your child of a really special relationship too.

Not only that but once the nipper is born you may find her to be a welcome person in your support network (I needed as many around me as possible).

Without knowing any more than you have told us, there are two sides to every story and maybe the side you know about didn't fully understand all the reasons as to why parented in the way she did?

It could be that she was just a terrible parent, I know I wish I had done some things differently and I expect most parents feel that way, but without the responsibility of being the parent but the blood-love running through my veins I would hope I could offer something even greater to my future grandchildren than what I was able to offer my child.

The good thing for you is that you have full control over this, you could manage the time she spends while you assess how it impacts your family, or you could cut her off from the start.

What you don't want is future regrets because the one thing you can't do is turn back time.

belfastgirl23

Have you thought about this from your child's point of view? No matter how bad people can be as parents, they can still make good grandparents. It isn't fair to your child to cut someone out of their lives who could potentially be very important to them. Particularly not for the sake of some sort of revenge. OK if she is a heavy drinker or takes drugs then I would be a bit wary on health and safety grounds, but if she was just a person who was overwhelmed by motherhood, there are a lot of people in that particular boat. Also bear in mind you might be one of them and might be in need of someone to babysit or even just give you a break to have a bath....

Pollycat

Hi Sheryl
I can't see anywhere in your replies where you explain if your OH doesn't want his Mum to be part of your new baby's life.

What does he REALLY think and want?

One thing I will say is that there are always 2 sides to every story.
Have you really heard both sides or are you just going on what your OH has said about his childhood?

Janepig made a good point about your OH's upbringing:

Quote:
Originally Posted by sheryl26
she's never really been a mum to him even when he was younger, she used to palm him off on anyone who would look after him,

To go and do what? Work? Or go out on the lash.

I could say that my Mum 'palmed me off' but the reality was that she worked full time because she HAD to - she didn't want to do that and it did result in us not bonding very well (happily we're now very close) but she did what she had to do at the time (this was 50 years ago).

You've said that since you've been with your OH that his Mum 'hasn't been a Mum to him' - what exactly do you mean by this?
Has she not kept in touch with him? Not sent him birthday cards?