advice please

sheryl26

Hi all, i am lookin for advice as i unsure what to do, i have been with my partner for 5 yrs and lived with him for 3 we are expecting our 1st child in 2 months :j the problem i have is his mum is wanting to be a part of the babys life yet in all the time i've been with my partner she hasn't even bothered to be a mum to him am i over reacting when i say i don't want her near my baby or should she be given a chance? It's annoying that she can't be a mother yet wants to be a grandmother :mad: :mad: :mad:

RedBern

what do you want her to do to be a 'mother' to him? He's a grown up living with his girlfriend - so she probably thinks she's done her 'mothering' and is looking forward to a new role as grandmother?

Sorry - not very helpful response!

honeypop

Agree with the above, I take it your OH is a grown up who doesn't need mothering. Sometimes people feel differently about being a grandparent rather than a parent to a grown up child, they soften again and want to be a part of the new baby's life.

Yes you are over reacting, big time. Take advantage of the fact she wants to be involved, as some grandparents aren't around or don't want to be involved.

What has she done that's so wrong she deserves not to be let anywhere near your baby? Fair enough if there are serious reasons, but we can't help you if all we can base our advice on is that she hasn't really mothered her grown child in the last few years.

consultant31

As a brand new, first time Nanna (to my daughters baby), I'd be absolutely gutted if my son's fiancee had the same feelings as you if and when they start a family.

Unless she was a seriously bad Mother I can't understand why you would want to cut her out of your baby's life.

It has always seemed to me that the relationship between child and Grandparent is a very, very special one, which if severed, brings huge losses to both child and Gran/Grandad.

Nikabella

For me it would depend on what you mean by 'she hasn't been a mother to him'. I have no idea if your situation is anything like ours but I will explain ours to see if this helps.

My OH's "mother" abandoned him with her parents when he was a tiny baby as apparently he cried less when he was with his grandparents, basically she couldn't be bothered with him (as his nan has told us herself). She kept her council house & all the benefits she had been given to raise her son & got herself a new boyfriend, she did not give her parents a penny to raise my OH with. She then decided 4 years later to have more children, 5 to be precise & never once did she go back & get my OH so that he could be with her new family. Then a few years later she dumped her husband & 5/6 children & ran off to live 400 miles away from them with a new bloke, visiting only every other weekend or once a month.

My OH has given her every opportunity to give him some answers as to why she abandoned him, to make amends & all she has to say for herself is that she doesn't want to drag up the past & that she doesn't "owe him any answers"! It has been very damaging & hurtful for my OH. She is also extremely rude to me & has nothing but derogatory comments about me, because I have tried to support my OH. She has also physically threatened me & threatened to do some evil things.

When our DD turned up 2 years ago she was the cooing granny, she sent presents/cards but visited only a handful of times. After one particularly rude/nasty outburst from her, my OH told her that she was not welcome in our home or to see our DD unless she could apologise & be decent - it is now 20 months later & we are still waiting. It is our opinion that our DD is better off without this woman in her life - my OH's grandparents who raised him are in her life, as are my parents & grandparents, so she has lots of loving, doting grandparents/great-grandparents. As parents, it is our duty to protect our DD & at this moment in time that is what we believe we are doing by not promoting this relationship.

HTH.

Edited to add: My OH (obviously) & I both had much closer relationships with our grandparents than our parents & they mean everything to us. Grandparents are a blessing & we hope that our DD has a wonderful relationship with at least on of her sets of grandparents as we did.

A.x

sheryl26

she's never really been a mum to him even when he was younger, she used to palm him off on anyone who would look after him,

webitha

you are going off on what YOU feel, what about your OH as its his mum, what does HE feel about his mum being in the babys life

snowmaid

sheryl26 wrote: »

she's never really been a mum to him even when he was younger, she used to palm him off on anyone who would look after him,

Maybe your child will bring your OH and his mum closer? Maybe she will see what she has missed out on and try make up for that. Don't let your OH or you hold grudges and try punish. A child needs grandparents.

My mom wasn't nurturing and has admitted she missed out enjoying so much of our childhood. She is making up for that by spending as much time with my children, and in turn with me. We now have a wonderful relationship.

Try heal wounds, not deepen them.

sheryl26

i just don't want her trying to make up for what she never did for him through my child not only is that unfair on my OH but i don't want her to think she can used my son

elaine373

Give her a chance, she might have regrets

snowmaid

sheryl26 wrote: »

i just don't want her trying to make up for what she never did for him through my child not only is that unfair on my OH but i don't want her to think she can used my son

Why wouldn't you want someone to put something right?? And if she is a great grandmum to your child, where is the harm in that?? Surely your OH isn't that churlish that he would resent his Mum giving his child attention?!?!?

I am only pleased for the attention my Mum shows my children. They have a grandmother who is always there for them. Lots of children don't have that.

Don't use your child as a weapon against his Mum. Lots of mothers suddenly see their child as a tool of power and use their kids to try spite. Don't turn into one of those. You will be the one to suffer in the end.