Should I make this legal somehow?!

yoni_one

On the website you have looked at there is a link offering contacts you might want to speak to for information on private fostering if you are not ready to contact your council yet - http://www.privatefostering.org.uk/adviceorganisations

The bigger picture is that a child's best needs are at the centre of it all. Some people leave their children with unsuitable carers and this law addresses that (the fact that some parents are unsuitable carers is another matter).

His mum may be taking you for a ride but there could be other reasons for her lack of contact with you.

I have to say that as a Women's Aid worker given the info you have presented I have even further concerns for the mum and other children in the family. Even if there is no violence in the home, you seem unwilling to approach his mum because the boyfriend is around. Consider your reasons why you are unwilling to discuss this with her while he is around then apply those reasons to those who are living in the household and how his being around may affect their behaviour too.

Please don't take this as a criticism, I may be barking up the wrong tree entirely but these things are worth thinking about. Of course you don't have to even consider it from this angle, you have no direct responsibility for the family or the children who remain in the home, but I believe as human beings we are all responsible for what we do with the information we have.

Btw, the success in school shows a willingness on his side to co-operate, that is great and I hope you and your family award yourselves credit for being a motivator for him to do just that.

MandyLou66

Thanks Yoni! I don't want to see him because I'm sure I'd give him a mouthful about kicking a minor out of home! I don't think he is violent just extremely strict. As I said he has been away for the past 4 weeks but mum still did.nt have lad over to stay or even for dinner. He must miss his siblings.

yoni_one

Ahh, I getcha, it's your own behaviour you are worried about should you run in to him. Completely understand that!

That said, you really do need to have the conversation with her even if just to let her know you have discovered that you have a legal obligation to inform the council of where he is living so they can determine if it is suitable and appropriate for him to be there for as long as he has and what financial arrangements need to be in place should this continue on a more formal route.

I hope she co-operates but even if she doesn't the fact that you now know you have to do something and some of the decision-making will be out of your hands can be pretty helpful at this stage.

I hope the next stage of this journey goes smoothly for your family and the lad.

Susan_Frost

If she is now not giving you the money for his keep (could that be bf's influence, not that money is everything) but maybe now is the time to get things made formal. Do you want to keep him as an adoptive situation? You do seem to be making progress with him and are obviously caring and thinking of the wider issues like seeing his siblings.

But there is obviously something at home and at least he is stable. This may give his mum the courage to really think about what is happening and perhaps make some changes. If bf works away, sometimes it helps someone to stay because they are not around too much, but it's not the answer. Only she can do something about her situation, if she is being bullied, etc.

Good on you for being so kind, hope he does well and has a better future than he would have done.

Oldernotwiser

MandyLou66 wrote: »

I am trying not to be judgemental but as a mum I would never have let my husband kick out one of my kids.

Not even if he was threatened with a knife? I do think that you're minimising this aspect of it and should be very careful for yourself and your family.

MandyLou66

I understand where you are coming from oldernotwiser and Thank you for your concern. To date I have not seen any inkling of aggressive behaviour nor to be honest any extreme emotion at all, not even the 'its not fair' tantrums I had from my 2 when they were this age.

I can only assume (he has not spoken to me or OH about it) that it came about either by extreme provocation on the day or a slow build up of being belittled over the years.

ML

Savvy_Sue

MandyLou66 wrote: »

Now this bit is quite scary, it says that not reporting a 'private fostering' is a criminal offence, does that mean me or the parents? I was only doing the mum a favour and don't want to be in trouble for it. It will surely come out eventually at school for example.

From what easilydistracted said here, it's not clear whether you are private fostering or kinship caring: the private fostering rules refer to caring for someone who isn't a close relative. And I think you would only be 'in trouble' if you were being properly paid for it by a non-relative. Which you're not.

Make use of the links yoni gave to get more information, but I really wouldn't lose sleep over this. Social Services need to check your family out, but honestly, they will probably just be more relieved that they haven't got to find a suitable foster family for yet another 15 yo thrown out of home than concerned that you should have told them sooner. After all, most of us don't find ourselves in this situation on a regular basis.

And if mum hasn't paid you, you can notify child benefit that he is now staying with you. You might want to write to her first to say that you are planning to do this, because they will stop her benefit while they investigate your claim.

It does all seem very strange and sad that she hasn't even seen him while bf was away. And I do feel sorry for his younger siblings as well.

MandyLou66

Went out with my Dads wife today, (step sisters mum) she had my money so thats all fine. There has apparantly been huge rows about everything between s/s and bf and he has stomped out. Been gone for 2 days but no-one seems to know what is happening. have not told youngster about it as my dads wife says the only thing that is keeping mum going is the fact that if he (bf) doesn't come back she can have youngster back. I hope this is the outcome not because I want him to go but he should be with his mum. It will be a hard process from now so I will just wait and do my best by him until its sorted. I just wish she'd keep in contact a bit more so I know whats happening.

easilydistracted

Hi again MandyLou

I had another look at the website I suggested. It doesn't explain things very well actually. However there is a section in it where they link to each local councils website which explains more. I very much doubt you would get into trouble for not telling 'social services' to start with. After all if you didn't know about it how could you tell them? I reckon that warning is more for people who care for completely unrelated children for profit and deliberately hide this.

In regard to whether these regulations apply, they do not apply to Uncle's, Aunts, Grandparents or spouses, or someone who is related this way via marriage. So the technical bit you would need to look into is whether a step-Aunt counts under this bit or not. Hope that helps a bit more. The website doesn't seem to explain this at all, perhaps as some people are called 'Aunties' when they are actually a distant or no relation. Like someone else said, you could always phone your local social services anonymously and double check.

If the private fostering rules do apply, some of the assessment would involve the social worker meeting up with you and your step-sister and making an agreement about what everyone's reposnsibilities will be e.g. financial, what the rules and expectations are and who would deal with any issues with school.

For the record, in any of the private fostering arrangements I know of, the carers weren't aware and so hadn't notified us themselves. They didn't get into any trouble. The aim of the website and campaign posters was meant to raise awareness, however they seemed to have ended up looking rather scary!

MandyLou66

Thank you easilydistracted its good to first hand information on the legalities, as you say the website does make it all seem a bit scary!

However the latest in the saga is that the bf has apparently left permanantly- a fact that the mum omitted to tel me AND her son. I have been away for a few days visiting my dd and on Sunday 'The boys' (OH DS and youngster) had a Superbowl day! Went to local for a game of pool and then back for burgers and chilli dogs, they all were having a good time then youngster got a phone call from his grandad asking if he was ok, he then went on to tell him that his stepdad had left on Thursday. To date his mum still has not phoned me.