future relationships & a police caution

Janepig

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

But he hasn't said that he didn't commit any acts of domestic violence. What the OP actually said was "Unfortunately despite there been no evidence etc. i got caught by the CPS and a crap solicitor....who advised me to accept a caution." He's made no comment whatsoever on the truth of the charges.

And my guess would be that there must have been enough evidence to possibly result in a conviction - however crap the solicitor, the OP is worth more to them the longer the case goes on, rather than the relatively small amount of money made getting him to accept the caution. My feeling is that they did him a favour.

Personally though, if it was me, I'd say nothing. How would any future girlfriend find out without being told by him?

Jxx

briona

The fact he was advised to accept a caution is quite worrying. If I absolutely 100% KNEW I had done nothing wrong, I would rather fight it in court than effectively plead guilty.

Advising a man to cover up this element of his past is not doing any woman he encounters ANY favours whatsoever, and as a woman I find it scary that other women are advising him to keep quiet!

To the OP: I think any woman you get involved with has a right to be given this information. What they choose to do with it is up to them, and no doubt, you'll find that some run a mile but there will be others who will stay. If – and note that I say IF – there was any truth whatsoever in the allegations made against you, I would rather know from the outset than find out the hard way...

Oldernotwiser

Janepig wrote: »

Personally though, if it was me, I'd say nothing. How would any future girlfriend find out without being told by him?

Jxx

Probably when he starts knocking her about as well!

Janepig

Hmmmm, it's a toughy but if he doesn't intend to enter into an abusive relationship in the future then maybe to open up about something that, despite the DV nature, wouldn't have been terrifically serious given that he was allowed the option of a caution, could do more harm than good. If it really isn't going to happen again then why sew the seed of doubt? And what is any potential partner going to do with this information. Tbh, I don't know if I'd want to be told about something like that if it really is as the OP says - I'd only worry about it if I remained in the relationship.

Maybe if he does have anger managment problems within relationships or the like, then acknowledging that and seeking some sort of counselling would be a step in the right direction.

On the other hand, if the OP makes a habit of knocking his girlfriends about then of course any potential partner should be told!

Jxx

Janepig

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Probably when he starts knocking her about as well!

There is that - but I was only stating what I would probably do if I was him - not what I necessarily consider to be the right thing. Which undoubtedly makes me a bad person :rolleyes:. If you meet someone you really like, if you know that what happened in the past is not going to happen again, and if you know that saying something is going to jeopardise your new relationship, then if it was me, I'd keep quiet.

I'm not condoning DV, I abhorr it, but I'm just making some observations going on the scant amount of information we have.

Jxx

briona

Janepig wrote: »

Hmmmm, it's a toughy but if he doesn't intend to enter into an abusive relationship in the future then maybe to open up about something that, despite the DV nature, wouldn't have been terrifically serious given that he was allowed the option of a caution, could do more harm than good. If it really isn't going to happen again then why sew the seed of doubt.

I'm not sure that anyone INTENDS to enter into a violent relationship! More often than not it's a case of them seriously losing their temper and lashing out. Unfortunately once they have done it once, they are very likely to do it again.

Even if the violence he's been accused of was more a case of the odd shove or a "bit of a slap" (for want of a better term!), it doesn't mean that it wouldn't become far, far worse. Violence tends to escalate! I've seen this first hand with a friend who suffered horribly at the hands of a boyfriend.

I had never witnessed it until they got involved in a fist fight after a drunken row. My friend was left terrified with severe facial bruising, two black eyes (she almost lost the sight in one of them), a very badly cut lip, her teeth almost knocked out, choke marks to her neck... and I could go on. It turned out (unsurprisingly) that this was not the first the time the brute had hit her. Over two years the violence had escalated from the odd shove and slap to this.

If there is ANY truth whatsoever in the allegations against the OP, he owes it to any woman he gets involved with to tell the truth. And I can't say that often enough.

AnnieM_3

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Probably when he starts knocking her about as well!

Until we know what the allegations were I don't think anyone should be making comments like that!

For all we know she could have accused him of being violent for breaking an ornament after he caught her killing his dog! Or maybe he broke a door down when she changed the locks on a house he owned? Or perhaps he was drunk and disorderly after finding out she was sleeping with his brother? It could be ANYTHING!

How do you know the OP isn't actually a really sweet person and his ex didn't just manage to pull the wool over the police's eyes just enough to get him a caution?

Sorry to rant, but I think a bit of objectivity wouldn't go amiss here.

Errata

Info from the CAB

Formal cautions, reprimands and warnings are not criminal convictions and therefore are not covered, in England and Wales, by the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act 1974 or, in N. Ireland, by the Rehabilitation of Offenders (NI) Order 1978. For example, if a client is asked to declare previous convictions, s/he need not declare a caution. However, if s/he is asked a question like "Have you ever been in trouble with the police?" or "Have you a criminal record?", s/he should declare a caution, reprimand or warning.
Since December 1995, records of cautions for recordable offences, that is, offences for which a client could be imprisoned, are held on the Police National Computer. Guidance states that they should be deleted after five years. Records are not automatically deleted. Some police forces retain records for longer than five years, and some indefinitely. Records are not kept of informal cautions.

blingboy

Thank you to all for all the comments.

My ex made a police complaint about me which resulted in me being arrested. The complaint she made was quiet disturbing, although when i look back on the matter and talk to some people they say the police did not follow procedure. i.e. no female office was called or doctor or anyone just 2 male officers to see a woman who claimed all sorts of rubbish. in fact when the officers called that night i was fast asleep upstairs!

anyway yes i would have fighted my way to prove my innocence but i was torn at the time by having 2 family members who were ill and needed my help and a new demanding job. My solicitor assured me that everything was going okay - after several hearings of the cps wasting my time each time stating "they need to interview the officers more" - what more i had no idea what was going on. The time of work was costing me money (& legal fees) and my health. Then the solicitor said best way to get your life back and end this is to accept a caution which i was told is a legal "slap on the wrist" and all will be okay.
But when i look at a future relationship now its something i dont want to haunt me, hence i am prepared to let a future partner read all the legal papers i have filed. But i dont want this to scare them from me.

I am not a abusive person and dont like DV. In many ways i felt a victim of DV from my previous partner who used to swear and shout at me so much.

What is strange despite all the allegations made against me at the time to be such a bad person, yet when we divorced i was given full custody of our child! She was only interested in the house and money in the bank.

i realise people on this forum dont know me and all the facts of the case but any comments good or bad welcome....as all i want to do is get on with my life and be happy with a new family.

Errata - only when i was receiving the caution - one goes in the criminal database - no one told me that in court!

Oldernotwiser

AnnieM wrote: »

Until we know what the allegations were I don't think anyone should be making comments like that!

For all we know she could have accused him of being violent for breaking an ornament after he caught her killing his dog! Or maybe he broke a door down when she changed the locks on a house he owned? Or perhaps he was drunk and disorderly after finding out she was sleeping with his brother? It could be ANYTHING!

How do you know the OP isn't actually a really sweet person and his ex didn't just manage to pull the wool over the police's eyes just enough to get him a caution?

Sorry to rant, but I think a bit of objectivity wouldn't go amiss here.

Of course anything might have happened, but I find the wording of the OP's post to be very telling; surely somebody innocent of anything would say so quite firmly and not say just that there was no evidence that he had. Most people who are innocent of any wrong doing are very keen to assert the fact and not beat about the bush complaining about no proof.