A dreadful situation - separation advice

Penny-Pincher!!

Hi Jelle

Sorry to hear about your situation.

If the inheritance has been very recent..maybe she has been thinking of leaving for a while, but has not been financially able to do so Although your OH has a 6month old baby this does not mean she has depression or mental problems. Most post-natal depression is caused because the mother feels like they cant cope and are struggling, but if the children are at nursery and she is choosing not to go back to work after extended maternity leave, then I think she has thought about this alot.....just my opinion though, and could be totally wrong:rolleyes:

Is it totally out of the blue this behavior? Has your relationship been struggling? Blah Blah Blah. You need to find out why she feels this way...communication is the way forward whether its good or bad...if you dont know...then how can you sort it out? Maybe she feels that you just dont give a monkeys. If your wife is a good mum and she puts the kids as priority, I find it difficult to believe that you would get sole custody, and that they would put a restriction on her moving away-normally this is more for when spouses move abroad with the kids IYKWIM.

No offence meant on the above posting:D

MissSunshine

How long has she lived away from her family roots? Has she settled where you are now, or has she always wanted to move closer to home? Now you have 2 children, no work committments for her and recent inheritance have you considered that she might want to be back closer to her own family which to her is now achievable and if she feels you want to stay put then that could be why she's suggesting separation?

No offence intended and sorry if way offmark it's just i live overseas so know how hard it is to not have the family/friends you grew up with not on your doorstep.

patchwork_cat

You say that the inheritance is very recent and you have a 6 month old baby - your partner wants to move back to be nearer her family. She has just experienced 2 of the most stressful things that you can go through in a very short space of time and wants to add 2 more stressful things on to the list to compound it, ie a divorcee and house move.

I would say that your partner is grieving, depressed and that moving and a divorce won't help that.

Maybe she has identified an unhappiness but is grabbing the wrong thing.

Could you all move to be nearer her family the move will still be stressful for her, but she will have everyone near.

To lose a parent whilst you are young is devastating and sometimes other people don't understand .

Helen_from_yorkshire

I am sorry to hear your news and hope that it doesn't turn out as bad as u may think.

I don't mean to probe but do let us know when the death occurred which resulted in the inheritance as if this was fairly recent and someone your wife was close to, could partly be the reason why your wife feels the way she does. Was the death sudden, did this person live in Sussex and, if so, could your wife have felt guilty at being so far away at such a sad time.

Sorry to ask so many questions.

As my last point re speaking to a solicitor. Solicitors specialise in certain areas of work and it would be preferable for you to seek a solicitor who is on the "Children's Panel" and specialises in family work. Unsure whether The Law Society website could give u more detailed information about solicitors in the area in which you live.

crutches

having had 6 live children I know how fragile things can be.I left my exdh when baby was 5 mths and my present dh when baby was6 wks.Dh and I got back together when she was 3 and have now been married for 10 yrs+.
For the 3 births since marriage we made an agreement not to get divorced until the child was 2! Made me feel secure,not trapped because I had to stick to my side of the bargain and knew he couldnt leave me!
hugs and best wishes.You sound like a really caring dad.Is there a friernd orfamily member who can babysit whilst you talk?Or talk to her for you?
Keep showing your love but get advice too.Protect yourself and your children.

sophistica

Hi
Sorry to hear your news. My advice would be:
1. Explore all your options now before you agree to anyhting. You can often get free advice over the telephone if you have a legal service on your home insurance. Relate will see you as a single person. The Citizens Advice Bureau can offer some help and most solicitors will give you the first half hour consultation for free.
2. You will feel so much better when you have proper answers to the issues of how will the courts look at her inheritance? Can she move the children back to Sussex? How much maintenace would you need to pay if you split?
3. Hold off doing anything legal for as long as you can (unless it minimises your maintenance payments) becuase in time everyhting sorts itself out anyway and there is no point in spending thousands when in 2 years time you may be back together or happily involved with other people or happy by yourself !
Sorry to sound pragmatic - but this is what I would do/have done.
Sophistica

Jelle

Hi there,

Thanks for the replies. In answer to some of the questions:

why do they go to nursery if she does not work – only the oldest does. I pay for his nursery fees. She doesn’t want the youngest to go to nursery – he’s too young in her eyes and prefers to stay at home to look after him

I really do think this could be the case, unless you had problems this bad that predates the pregnancy (not not rule out prenatal depression) I would urge her for the kids bnifit to seek help – I have suggested but she is not interested and insists she is not

If the inheritance has been very recent..maybe she has been thinking of leaving for a while, but has not been financially able to do so - I’m now beginning to realize this may have been the case

Is it totally out of the blue this behavior? Has your relationship been struggling – our relationship has been struggling for some time. I’m trying to be the family man, not going out as often as before and doing everything I can to give my family as good a life as possible. That’s all I want. My wife just seems to want more, and is going out more regularly. I work hard all day and come home to spend some time with my family. That’s all I want

If your wife is a good mum and she puts the kids as priority, I find it difficult to believe that you would get sole custody – very difficult to say. She’s a good mum to one, not so the other who is a lot closer to me (the eldest). With her not spending time with us at night and more so now at the weekend I not sure what she is after to be honest

How long has she lived away from her family roots? Has she settled where you are now, or has she always wanted to move closer to home? Now you have 2 children, no work committments for her and recent inheritance have you considered that she might want to be back closer to her own family which to her is now achievable and if she feels you want to stay put then that could be why she's suggesting separation - no she’s been settled up here for some time now. Maybe her fathers recent death might have triggered this as her brother lives down south but that’s all. She’d have no friends down there compared to here.

You say that the inheritance is very recent and you have a 6 month old baby - your partner wants to move back to be nearer her family. She has just experienced 2 of the most stressful things that you can go through in a very short space of time and wants to add 2 more stressful things on to the list to compound it, ie a divorcee and house move - absolutely and we only moved house in the summer as well to compound matters (big mortgage redemption penalty and all!!!!!). As mentioned I really don’t know what she wants, but she is desparately unhappy at the moment, and I simply do not know what to say to her.

I would say that your partner is grieving, depressed and that moving and a divorce won't help that – I totally agree, but it’s her that’s mentioning these things…..

Maybe she has identified an unhappiness but is grabbing the wrong thing – it’s possible but if she doesn’t talk I don’t know what to do

Could you all move to be nearer her family the move will still be stressful for her, but she will have everyone near – I have a secure job which supports us all and we have recently moved house as well. It’s financially a terrible time to move

To lose a parent whilst you are young is devastating and sometimes other people don't understand - I was there the whole way through and incredibly supportive. I’ve seen it before and was emotionally involved as well. A terrible time.

I don't mean to probe but do let us know when the death occurred which resulted in the inheritance as if this was fairly recent and someone your wife was close to, could partly be the reason why your wife feels the way she does. Was the death sudden, did this person live in Sussex and, if so, could your wife have felt guilty at being so far away at such a sad time – no he lived close by, but I feel she didn’t spend enough time with him. The death was not sudden at all and had been coming for many months. It was a couple of months ago.

Is there a friernd orfamily member who can babysit whilst you talk?Or talk to her for you? – the thing that compounds matters is she doesn’t want anyone (including family and friends) to know we are having serious issues. Doesn’t help matters at all. She’d do mad if I told any of her friends. Not sure how she expects matters to improve if she’s not prepared to talk to me or her friends……

You will feel so much better when you have proper answers to the issues of how will the courts look at her inheritance? Can she move the children back to Sussex? How much maintenace would you need to pay if you split? - these are questions I need to know. The CSA website indicates I’d have to pay £240 a month. I guess that doesn’t include other sorts of maintenance like putting a roof over their heads etc. Something I’d find very hard to do if she moved to Sussex….. I need to understand how the inheritance effects things too – I wouldn’t want a penny but surely having a substantial amount of money in her bank account pre-split would affect how much I’d have to support her going forward. Also if she met someone else surely that would affect how much I’d have to pay as well wouldn’t it? All I’d want is custody of the boys though – at least I’d be able to offer them everything they’d ever want, provide a nice house and as love as they could possibly want… not something I believe she’d be able to offer without a job and just relying on my maintenance payments. I believe my oh is also in her eyes missing out on her single life (hence her going out so much nowadays) which wouldn’t look good in the courts eyes. She’s also made numerous comments about if I want the kids I can have them, then next day saying the opposite, as and when he mood swings…..

Thanks for listening

chrisbagsy

Hi Jelle,
Having just read your problem. I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago and won custody of eldest child. I do hope i am wrong BUT. your o/h's going out all the time rings alarm bells with me. My ex did this and you can guess the result.... You MUST and I mean MUST break down these barriers that have been built up and for everyones sake COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER. Iwish you all the luck in the world. Hang in there.

Turning_into_scrooge

If your wife is a good mum and she puts the kids as priority, I find it difficult to believe that you would get sole custody – very difficult to say. She’s a good mum to one, not so the other who is a lot closer to me (the eldest). With her not spending time with us at night and more so now at the weekend I not sure what she is after to be honest

I am sorry to be the one to say this but if your wife is going out more and more in the evenings with friends could she of met someone else? I really hope this is wrong but i have a friend who once showed the same traits, decided to tell her husband to leave she wanted a divorce and 2 weeks later she moved her new partner into the family home. No one had any idea what was going on as she kept everything totally silent.

emkat_2

I, too, hope this works out for you. However, a word of advise - do not leave the marital home. My dh ex tried to get him out :mad: he stayed, and later discovered that if he had left she would have got the family home no probs!

Wishing you all the best