A dreadful situation - separation advice

Jelle

Hi guys - I'm in a terrible situation. My o/h and I are on the verge of splitting up. It's the last thing I want as I still love her to bits, and we also have two very small boys (one less than 6 months old). I've tried to talk sense to her in terms of going to councilling, but she's not interested in that so I think the relationship is pretty much doomed. She's just quit work after taking extended maternity leave after our 2nd, and what's more shes talking about moving down south with the children where her family all live (Sussex) - we live in Lancashire.

As such I seriously need to look into our finances and the welfare of the children. I know the first thing I should do is consult a lawyer which I will do.

Just wondering what I could be looking at here. Brief overview:

We have no debt
I have no savings at all.
My o/h has an inheritance from her dad of about 100k sitting in the bank.
O/h doesn't work now, and I earn about 20k a year.
Mortgage 80k
I pay the mortgage, council tax, all bills and all the nursery fees (and always have done)

I could buy her out of the marital home if it was split 50:50 and she has said that's fine BUT if things did get messy then could she claim more? I would want custody of the children, but she says she would want them. If I backed off, is there a way I could put a court order on her to prevent the boys from being too far from me (100 miles+) or could we get joint custody?

I'm also thinking the money in her bank account would make a huge difference in the eyes of the court in terms of her supporting herself + the money for her share of the marital home.

Whatever happens I would want anything to be as amicable as possible to prevent both of us being dragged through the courts, though I guess she'd be on legal aid so I'd just have to cave in to whatever her demands would be.

It seems so unfair as I believe I have been a lovely husband and a great father to the boys always putting the family first. I'm absolutely distraught at the possibility of not being able to regularly see the boys.

Sarahsaver

I dont know what to say at the moment except I feel for you, and your kids ar e lucky to have a dad who cares so much for them. Mine dont have that luxury so I spose it was in a way easy to separate from their father. It sounds like you could have a completely debt-free (and mortgage free) existence, and i dont know the circumstances but the way your wife is behaving sounds a bit odd. She should not be making any big life changing decisions so soon after having a baby. I will post later when I have had a think. You have to tread carefully, and keep your cards close to your chest. Be prepared for whatever outcome there might be.

Jelle

Thanks Sarah. Just one thing yes we are debt free, but we do have a 80k mortgage which I pay for, tho the mortgage is in joint names

ivagoldfish

Jelle,

Really upsetting to hear your news.
Obviously don't know all the details and please don't take this then 'wrong' way but, is there a possibility that your o/h is maybe a bit 'depressed' what with the new baby and all? Me & o/h split and I'm convinced it was cause of her 'depression' but she point blank refused any councilling etc. In the 1st instance I would try for that.

From a guys perspective; don't agrue with her - you'll only loose and no-one will gain anything.

Leave the lawyers (and social work) out as long as possible.
Lawyers will only cost you tonnes of money and social work will/may (appear) to be biased against you.
Try and get a mutual friend, or a friend of a friend.

Go for the listening approach first.
I would suggest if you start talking about spitting the finances and custody of the kids then you may find that the opportunity to talk and resolve has passed before it's even been considered.
Plenty of time for agueing over money later.

Talk NOW but more importantly LISTEN.

You, sometimes, don't appreciate what you've got 'til you loose it!

Best of luck.

Sarahsaver

Jelle wrote:

Thanks Sarah. Just one thing yes we are debt free, but we do have a 80k mortgage which I pay for, tho the mortgage is in joint names

what i'm getting at is that it doesnt seem to make sense to me that she has 100k in the bank when it could be used to pay off your mortgage completely. I would suspect that shes suffering from potnatal depression but its probably not a good idea to say that to her. Is your health visitor supportive?

Jelle

Hi there - I have asked about depression, and she says she isn't at all, and has done the checklist test for it

The inheritance is very recent. We've always had separate accounts, and I've always paid all the bills. She's very much a saver and we've always had the view "what's yours is yours" she I wouldn't suggest she use that money for the mortgage - unless we were financially in trouble.

Sarahsaver

I developed postnatal depression after dd was born but it sort of had a 'second wind' when my father in law died 5 months later.
I don't know exactly what your problems are but clearly the mrs thinks they are bad enough to leave. How frustrating for you if she will not communicate.

BTW why do they go to nursery if she does not work? Sorry if u think im nosey just ignore me!

Spendless

Jelle wrote:

Hi there - I have asked about depression, and she says she isn't at all, and has done the checklist test for it

The inheritance is very recent. We've always had separate accounts, and I've always paid all the bills. She's very much a saver and we've always had the view "what's yours is yours" she I wouldn't suggest she use that money for the mortgage - unless we were financially in trouble.

Every single couple I've met with the 'his' and 'hers' money has had problems within their marriage, often centred around financial problems. I'm sure there must be couples out there that do do seperate things happily but I personally have not come across them. If I'd come into an inheritance I would be saying to my hubby "what shall we do with this money" be it pay off house, holiday,save etc.

I'm sorry I have no suggestions for you, other than to suggest relate, but if your wife won't go I don't know what you can do.
I hope you manage to sort things out and I wish you all the best.:)

bigburd

Hi Jelle, so sorry to read about your situation. I know you're probably bored reading this, but IMO the fact that your Mrs has bothered going through the PND checklist would suggest that it's also crossed her mind. Sorry to harp on if this is honestly not the case but sometimes it's really hard for someone to accept or admit they need help. Perhaps you can have a look on the quiet at the symptoms yourself and see if you recognise any of them in her behaviour.

comping_cat

Im really sorry to hear your troubles, i hope you can work it out. One thing i would say, i know someone has said to leave solicitors as long as possible, but i think it would be worth one appointment to find out how you stand legally, you dont have to follow anything else up at the moment. The reason i say this, is if she is thinking of moving away, and things do get difficult, the court process does take a long time to set in motion, you would have to use the courts nearest to where the children are living, which, unless you move as well, will mean you having to travel for all court and welfare appointments, and once they have moved, and are settled, the courts will prob not want the children uprooted and moved again. A lot of soilicitors do not charge for the first appointment, and i think it would def be worth finding out what your options are, and exactly where you stand legally. I hope things are sorted for you soon.
Catherine

iwanttosave_2

I'm sorry but just because she has gone though the checklist means nothing, I lied to myself on that and on the ones the health visitor makes you take. My baby is 8mths old, I have had countless times when I wanted to get rid of OH. I really do think this could be the case, unless you had problems this bad that predates the pregnancy (not not rule out prenatal depression) I would urge her for the kids bnifit to seek help. She may not be wiling to do this incase a custody battle ensues, she may think that if she is "mentally ill" that it would go against her.

Just an idea