Totally stressed and want to run away

milliemonster

I think I am depressed.

Please bear with this long long post.

I am 36 and earlier this yr lost my mum to breast cancer which was devastating. I went back to work after a few weeks to be put on 'performance management' by my then manager which devastated me even more. Basically she was a bully, fortunately she then went on mat leave and another manager has taken over the team I am in and have just had my appraisal and he is more than happy with my work.

Xmas is next week and its the first one without my mum and its hard, my dad is still completely and utterly lost, I have 2 young children who miss their nan dreadfully and I just want a hug from my mum.

I haven't spoken to my husbands parents since my mum died as they never offered me any support, never called me just to see how I was at the time or anything so I have cut contact with them, I feel very bitter and angry.

I recently applied for a promotion at work after being told to by my manager, had the interview this week but haven't got the job as they said I haven't got enough experience for the role (they knew my experience beforehand so why offer me the interview? and make me do a round trip of 600 miles to attend it)

I feel like everything is going wrong, hubby doesn't understand, I have been 'conned' into having all the family over for xmas dinner (sister and her husband and 2 kids, my brother, his wife and 3 kids and my dad) so there'll be 14 of us I have to feed xmas day, this is because my dad wants us all to be together on xmas day with my mum not being here. We have debts and I can't afford the expense of feeding everyone so will have to use the credit card. I see my dad almost everyday but feel guilty because I feel trapped now my mum has gone, my dad is like another of my children now, I feed him most of the time and try to look after him the best I can, but I can't go anywhere for long because my dad is then ringing me wondering where I am.

I am dreading xmas, I don't want everyone over but its too late now to change things, my sister is very supportive and made a comment last week that it was going to be hard for me xmas day but dad said 'it won't, she'll manage' which made me angry.

I miss my mum dreadfully, I have had no support from my husband's family since she died, my hubby acts like a little boy a lot of the time and I just feel completely and utterly trapped in this life I never dreamed I would end up in. I can't cope with housework, sorting the kids out, my dad, holding down a stressful job, looking after all the finances, shopping and trying to find the time to grieve, I just want to run away from everything and leave them all to it.

I was hoping the new job and a new year would be a new start for me, but its not worked out that way, my confidence is at an all time low and I need to escape, help!

moggitymog

are you able to ask your sister for help to get you through the christmas period? lots of hugs to you for your sad loss x

sandiep

I feel for you. Christmas is a hard time for people that have lost someone close.

Start by hitting the smaller stuff on the head, that way you'll feel as if you're making progress.

Firstly Christmas day food. Write a list, and then give everyone something to bring. Nothing more than say £2 or 3 quid,

Make light of it, make a game even - Christmas Lunch Lucky Draw, pick a number and see you get, bung some quirky stuff in there like a bottle of ketchup. Break down the big stuff into smaller cheaper stuff, so instead of 1 pudding for 14 people, have 4x 4 people portion puddings. I don't think anyone would object to buying something for £4.

Don't try and be superwoman, make stuff up early the day before (red cabbage, dead cheap, stick it in the slow cooker the day before and you've a wonderful dish that only needs a couple of minutes in the microwave!)

Then when your past the Christmas emotions take a bit of time out to draw up a list of things that would help you in your day to day life. For example do you think you can get some homehelp in to help with your dad, even once or twice a week. Are you claiming all you can for helping with your dad.

Also, Go out and have a chat with hubby. Don't do it at home because somehow all those things that get you frustrated will be at the front of your mind. Go and sit on a hill, or a walk on a beach, where you can talk freely without interuption, and he's really got no alternative other than to listen.

men aren't good at "i need help/support". They like tasks. So say "i need you to do this, this and this, every day. I'm making these your jobs, your responsibility"

And take what your dad says as a compliment, he has faith in you

I really wish you the best of luck and i hope that despite all your worries you have a good Christmas (after all you've knocked £10k off your debts in 6 months - you can do anything!!)

hulagirl79

Hi hun
I have some idea of what you are feeling, my mum has terminal breast cancer and i know that we have not got long together and i dont know how i will get through it. I think you have been very brave this past year.
Have you spoken to anyone about what you have been through this past year, you have been through so much and i think it would really help.
As for christmas can you get your sister and brother to bring some food over to help out or get the dads to take all the kids out after lunch taking your dad with them, to give you a little space even with your sister in law and sister there.

I wish i could say something more to help you.

Lots of hugs for you xxxxx

Errata

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time just now.

Could you try and compartmentalise things so you only have one area of difficulty to deal with/think about at a time.

Forget about work for the moment, it's very disappointing but there's nothing you can do about it just now.

Forget about the lack of sympathy/understanding/support from your inlaws - they've made it clear you won't get any, so now you know you can't rely on them and in a way that makes life a bit easier as you won't expect anything from them.

Forget about your dad for the moment, you can start sorting him out after Christmas by getting him to stand on his own two feet and by telling your sister what jobs you've been doing for your dad that she has to take responsibility for.

That leaves Christmas
I can understand why your family all want to be together this Christmas - it's going to be hard for all of you and being together might just make it easier.
However...............you need to start issuing orders. You need to tell all of them what they have to contribute in terms of cash/food, and what jobs they will have to do to make the day an easier one for everyone. You need to give your OH very clear instructions about what he has to take responsibility for; men often respond very well to things like this that are spelled out for them.

HTH - besst wishes.

milliemonster

sandiep, your post made me cry, thank you so much for taking the time to offer all those suggestions, I will definitely be trying some of them

hulagirl, I am so sorry to hear about your mum, enjoy your xmas with her as much as you can, your time with her now is incredibly precious, I didn't know how I would cope but somehow you just do, you have no choice, but it is hard.

I haven't really spoken to anyone, I saw my GP in the beginning who was very good and gave me contact details of Cruse but to be honest I feel a fraud contacting them, I mean, people lose their loved ones in terrible circumstances, lose children, partners etc and I guess I have lost my mum in the normal way life should run (even though her death was premature) so I don't feel justified in asking for help if that makes sense

thank you both for your kind words

Princess_Sparkles

Hey there - no one loses someone they love in any normal way! I know exactly what you're meaning, but so many people miss out on the support they need desparately because they think others deserve it more.. Please ring Cruse - at this time of year there will be many many people missing someone & just needing to talk to someone about it. The independence of the people like Cruse make them easier to talk to because you can concentrate on talking about how you feel , rather than worrying if you're burdening your father/sister etc etc when they are missing Mum too.

Take Christmas one step at a time, don't try to be all things to all people. It will be difficult, but remember your feelings are every bit as important as theirs and although it seems to have fallen to you to take over, you aren't 'Mum', you are one family, all in the same boat. It sounds as if your sister understands a little of what's happening for you, so hang on to that & ask if the two of you can tackle this first Christmas together.

I wish you peace. You will always miss Mum, but she's still with you & I imagine very proud.
Take care & hugs to you all.
xx

hulagirl79

hun
Please dont feel a fraud, you might not of lost your mum in what some people see as terrible circumstances, but you the way you feel is exactly the same and no one you speak to will see it as any different.
Thank you for your kind words, i am trying to make this the best christmas ever for her and me.
Good luck and hugs xx

whitewing

Hugs to you millie. Can't stay here for very long, but why not pop over to the Oldstyle thread and ask them how to feed 14 on Xmas Day affordably. You should get lots of help from them.

I agree about offloading/venting to a helpline such as Cruse.

poorandindenial

Hi milliemonster

I am so sorry for your loss and really feel for you at the moment, Christmas is stressful enough at the best of times but you really don't need all this.

I think the idea of getting people to each bring a bit is great, although you could be left stressing if you have any relatives that are often at the late end of on time so give them the less important things to bring. Or you could just ask everyone for a contribution to the dinner, I am not sure how much you are spending but I wouldn't think that a contribution of £7-10 for adults and £3-5 for kids was unreasonable if I were going to someone's house for a big feed up and giving a contribution.

And I just want to echo the comments of other people - Cruse are there for everyone and I have heard some great things about them from relatives that have used them over the last few years. Your loss is huge and cancer is a terrible way to lose someone, you deserve all the support you can get, never feel guilty about accepting it.

When you hit that magical DFD then you can make a nice healthy donation to Cruse and in that way say thank you for the support and make sure that they are there for other people that need them. You obviously don't have to make a donation but I wonder if planning to make one once you are debt free will make you feel less guilty about using them?

foreign_correspondent

Hi,
Sorry you are haivng a rotten time of it, it sounds like you are carrying a lot of people. Some practical suggestions -

Ask your dad to pay for /contribute to apying for christmas dinner

Tell your dad and or sister you need them to help out on the day - doing the sprouts, spuds etc.

Delegate some jobs to your hisband - keeping the kids out of the way, setting the table, washing up etc.

By all means be kind and generous, but dont to for people whay they could be doing themselves. You are grieving too and have all the stresses and strains of everyday life - if your dad is so keen on family being together then he needs to start being a part of the effort to achieve that.

If you get them on board you may find that it becomes a positive shared achievement rather than a huge pressure on you, leaving you tired and resentful.