Depression Support Thread

absolutebounder

razorbladekisses wrote: »

I used to like reading and posting in this thread but as of late every other other post seems to be about hypnosis. It's getting rather tiresome and to some extent it feels like I'm being brainwashed into believing hypnosis is the key to curing depression. The thread is being spammed with hypnosis posts and losing the original reason as to why this thread was ever made (listen/offer support).

Apart from my reply to Jo there is virtually no mention of it in the entire thread..
what practical support would you like?

Sssssss

razorbladekisses wrote: »

I used to like reading and posting in this thread but as of late every other other post seems to be about hypnosis. It's getting rather tiresome and to some extent it feels like I'm being brainwashed into believing hypnosis is the key to curing depression. The thread is being spammed with hypnosis posts and losing the original reason as to why this thread was ever made (listen/offer support).

out of the 550+ posts on this thread, hypnosis has only been talked about once or twice, please please please lets not have a re-hash of the last thread.

This thread is of great support to me and others please keep it friendly, I'd hate to see it also closed!

Sugar_Coated_Owl

I'm used to being the odd one out so if you're all happy with how this thread is that is fine. I shall seek other avenues of support.

I wish you all well x

geminilady

razorbladekisses wrote: »

I'm used to being the odd one out so if you're all happy with how this thread is that is fine. I shall seek other avenues of support.

I wish you all well x

RBK You are not the odd one out on this thread.You are a long standing member and it would be a shame if you felt you had to leave.Maybe there are people who are not happy with the thread as it is at the moment but it is an open forum and if we start arguing between ourselves it may be closed. We have to leave it up to the moderators to remove anything not suitable but don't forget the ignore button;)

LadyMorticia

*huggles Tiff*

EthelBloggs

razorbladekisses wrote: »

I used to like reading and posting in this thread but as of late every other other post seems to be about hypnosis. It's getting rather tiresome and to some extent it feels like I'm being brainwashed into believing hypnosis is the key to curing depression. The thread is being spammed with hypnosis posts and losing the original reason as to why this thread was ever made (listen/offer support).

oi oi girlie xxx

The thread is different from how it used to be, not worse just different. I think its cos there are different people now so the vibe isn't the same as it was back when we were proper regular if that makes sense? I'm not online as much as I used to be but you have me on FB i think? and hopefully still have my number? you're more than welcome to contact me anytime xx

Big huggs to everyone, specially the old timers xxx

beachbeth

My last post has been removed! I was replying to something someone else had said and I don't think I said anything that warranted removal. I was mentioning childbirth and how actresses on tv didn't portray it very realistically. Did anyone see my post before it was removed? Did I put something I shouldn't have? I would like to know for future reference if nothing else.:rolleyes:

Savvy_Sue

Yours isn't the only post to have been removed, and if you'd quoted a post which was for the chop that would be why.

Now, if you'd all re-read, mark, learn and inwardly digest Glad's first post that might help keep the thread on course.

Tiff_2

Hi guys!
I must confess to being a tad tired guys, so please forgive me if I fail to make any sense. That's probably how I post anyway. There - I've said it for you so you won't have to!
NB. The following post may contain some sad and/or wallowing bits. Much Tiffy love to all of you.

''The Tiff Chronicles ~ Part 9'' (continued...)

As you can see, I've turned these posts into ''The Tiff Chronicles ~ Part 9''. Very self-indulgent of me, I know, but the strength and kindness that you have shown to me in your replies is what is keeping me going and, tbh, it is all very humbling. For although I know this is a thread that is kindly allowed by MSE Martin, even when not strictly moneysaving, and a thread that is sometimes mocked or criticized on other threads, I have never come across such a diverse group of people who post with such raw honesty and courage and hope.
If you take a step back and look at what this thread really does achieve, and with such insight and compassion too, it is staggering. For all the trials that we all go through, we still come back and touch base and try to help or to be brave enough to post and ask for help. That's so important because mental ill health can be the loneliest place in the world. And aside from posting information to help with mental ill health and professional resources to refer to that may help - including debt, which so often accompanies our illness - we still find time for smiles and comfort and rants and even the occasional temporary tiff. Even the odd feline has been known to come and settle here!

My brother and I had left the hospital at about 8.15pm Wednesday night. I'd started to feel dizzy through not eating and drinking and the stress I guess, and I also had meds to take which were long overdue. I got home and I was exhausted but I couldn't settle to anything and that's when I made my other post to you all on Wednesday (07/01/09) evening. It was only 20 minutes later that the hospital called my brother, my sister-in-law and I back to the ward. We got there at 11.25pm and were told Mum was really poorly. I was first to speak when we got there and when she heard my voice, she opened her eyes slightly and said, ''Love....you.'' It was nearly the same as earlier, except that now her words were a little further apart and she was struggling a little more to do it. The staff nurse came over and took us to have a word and said that Mum was very ill and that a doctor was coming to see her. So we were directed down to the visitor's room, where we waited while he saw Mum and took some blood samples. Eventually - it seemed like forever - he came down to us.

It's funny the things that go through your head - he was gorgeous and sweet and I was quite prepared to forgive him for being probably 15 years younger than I am. He said they hadn't given up, but that Mum was 'very poorly' and that we might want to think about preparing ourselves. Of course then we had those awkward question and answer times - not wanting to, or even knowing how to ask, but also somehow desperately needing to know. Two hours later after many more ''Love you''s, Mum's readings improved slightly and she fell asleep. My brother and I decided to go home around 1.00 a.m. on Thursday morning and my sister and sister-in-law stayed there. My sister didn't leave really, just maybe once or twice.

Between 5.30p.m. on Wednesday and 2.15p.m. on Thursday, we were called back 5 times - including the nightmare scenario of being in the middle of Asda when we got a call! I think I'd had a total of about 4 hours and 45 minutes sleep since Tuesday - 2 hours Tuesday night because I was so worried after visiting Mum - then an hour here, half an hour or 20 minutes there after she went downhill suddenly.

We came home at 3.35 a.m. on Thursday. I managed to sleep for an hour and a half, no food in and too tired to eat anyway. The hospital phoned us again and we returned to Mum's bedside. Another doctor came and examined Mum as we waited in the visitor's room. He came down to us and said Mum now had pneumonia and then basically said the same as the other dr had, that Mum was resting again and that there's still hope. We went back to Mum and sat there very quietly in the light of a single bedside lamp, with different monitors of her bp and oxygen sats beeping away.

I was sitting there holding her hand and watching each breath and suddenly, I couldn't watch any more. It was too distressing for me - that must seem so selfish I know, but I felt like all my strength had gone and my heart couldn't take any more. I felt that I'd been there for the important parts of us all telling her we loved her and hearing her say it so many times and holding her hand but I had to get out because my heart was breaking. I couldn't bear to sit there and watching all the monitors' numbers flashing up and down, like some weird kind of lottery. My brother felt the same and we came home around 5.40a.m.

My sister contacted us again at around 9.15a.m. on Thursday by text, saying that Mum was worse and they were going to get the dr to see her and get her written up for some pain relief if necessary and we should come back. We got there for 9.35a.m. My poor Mum looked exhausted and was half asleep. They'd taken away the monitors as they weren't really needed, although Mum was still having her oxygen and nebulizer meds and IV saline. The doctor still hadn't been and there was no pain relief ordered, but he was due anytime, as was her consultant - in fact, they turned up for their ward rounds at the same time as us.

I don't think Mum was actually in pain at this point, but she was struggling to speak. Mum had been saying ''It's over now.'', ''I'm going.'', ''Night, night'', ''Love you''. My cousin - a nurse at the hospital - had returned for another visit. She was on holiday this week as she'd worked over the holidays in Intensive Care. My sister's daughter had gone up there too, so that made 6 of us. Mum woke on hearing our quiet voices and the ''Love you.'' phrase started again, sometimes with our name. Mum then started saying other phrases as well, trying to tell us what was happening and they were the worst and the best things to hear, all at the same time. ''I'm not scared.'', ''I'm not afraid.'' God bless her, she was trying to reassure us, and still being the loving Mum we knew. Then it decreased to a repeated ''Night, night'', ''Love you.'' and ''Going now.'' It was very emotional to us, but very calm for her. And Mum did seem very peaceful, though physically struggling to speak much. She was drifting off to sleep finally.

And then this staff nurse, or sister, or whatever the hell she was, made the mistake of calling out loudly to us, from right across the ward, ''Um, excuse me - there can only be one or two of you at the most. They're the rules and I think you were told already so please go down to the visitor's room - now please.'' We were there, being very quiet, not in the way, talking very gently to Mum and answering her. Mum wanted us all there - it was as important to her in her passing, as it has been all her life.

Now as you'll all know, there aren't many occasions when the Tiffster is left speechless, but that did it and I started to cry again. I couldn't believe what I'd heard! I was furious at her manner - how rude and cold can you be?! If I could have gotten to her, I would not have been responsible for what I'd have said. I don't rant and rave - that's not right. I'm not at all violent - you don't need to be and shouldn't ever be and there are ways of dealing with people verbally and politely which is just as effective - but I would have quoted chapter and verse at her and then have invited her to remove my passively resisting 17 stone tail end herself, if she wouldn't change her mind. I can promise you that after I'd finished giving her a chilly verbal Tiffy blast, you'd have been lucky to find her thermometer left standing where she was! Tiff letters are bad enough, as some of you will know, but a true Tiffy moment can be slightly withering. Out of respect for my Mum, who hated conflict as do I, I kept my muzzle shut.

My sil and my cousin the nurse, went over to speak to her, to explain we were her 3 children, niece etc and that obviously she knew Mum was critically ill. She said, ''No, I'm sorry but those are the rules and I'm not changing my mind.'' As we stepped away from the bed, we were looking at each other, trying to decide with looks at each other and without words, which two were going to stay. Which one of the three of us children was going to be left out eventually when Mum passed?

I suddenly asked for a few seconds alone with Mum. When they'd stepped away, I held her hand, stroking it and watched her as she drifted in and out, bless her. I'd done this because I had a question for Mum that had been with me since Wednesday evening and I had to ask it, had to know, and it felt like the right time. This was really selfish I know, but I knew I'd regret it forever if I didn't ask her. So I told Mum that I loved her and that she'd been a truly fantastic mother, at which point she shook her head. Then I reaffirmed what I'd said. This lady had deserved the best in life and had always had to struggle, and still to that very day, she was trying to help her family. There was never a ''why?'' from Mum, it was always ''when?'' and ''how?''
''You know I love you Mum, don't you?'' I asked and she said ''Yes.''

And then I asked this amazing soul my desperate question, ''Have I loved you enough, Mum?'' God, I hoped I had - I hoped she knew! She replied weakly,''Yes.....Too much''. I had tears streaming down my face as I said, ''No, never.''

We went down to the visitors room' and a nurse bought us a tray of tea. My cousin returned - she'd disappeared for a while after the other nurse had refused to change her mind. She said that she had put in a complaint and we should too because that nurse had handled it all completely wrong, been very rude and had shown no compassion whatsoever and it was at her discretion. And believe me, there will be a nice Tiffy letter covering three different points, arriving at the hospital once we've looked after Mum. It was obvious Mum wanted her family around her because she had been talking to each of us by name. There was nothing in this world more important to her than her family. She loved us completely and she adored all children.
If there have ever been altruistic souls in this world, she is one of them.

Thanks guys, just needed to post this. I'm thinking of you all and I'm still trying to check on you.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Tiff_2

Hi guys!
Only me.

''The Tiff Chronicles ~ Part 9'' (continued...)

I'd meant to do a proper food shop on Wednesday, but came home instead after changing Mum's ring because I just didn't feel ''right'', iykwim? And then, well you know the rest already. We waited, and waited, for the doctors to come round. At about 1.30pm, I felt too ill due to not having eaten anything but a couple of biscuits since Tuesday night and missing my meds. My brother and sil took me to Asda because even the dust bunnies in my cupboards were hungry.

The phone rang while we were in Asda Thursday afternoon and we were called back to the hospital. Mum was weak and again, still struggling to cough. I helped her and did some mouth care for her so that she wasn't so dry. It was about 4pm when Mum started saying, ''Help.'' I think it was because she couldn't find words to say what it was that she needed at that point, but it was harrowing nonetheless. By 4pm, they finally moved Mum into a side room, switching with another lady. Mum was now replying to our questions that she was in pain, in her chest and ribs - no wonder with all the coughing she'd done.

I called for the nurse and this fantastic staff nurse who'd been looking after Mum that day, came in and spoke to Mum. She had a big, bright, wide smile as she leaned right up close to Mum, looking into her eyes. And my amazing Mum looked up at her and automatically just gave her the biggest smile right back to her and said, ''Love you.'' to her. The nurse asked her if she was in any pain and Mum said,''No.''! Now she'd done this three times earlier in the day and the three of us children just looked at each other. It was funny in a way - typical Mum, no fuss. The nurse moved back and I asked Mum if she had any pain. ''Yes.'' she said! I asked her again and got the same answer. The nurse went back over to Mum and said with that lovely smile, ''Are you telling me porkie pies? Have you got any pain darling?'' and Mum replied, ''Yes.''

At 5pm, Mum finally got to see the consultant and the doctors and they said they'd make Mum feel comfortable with some small doses of pain relief and that they weren't ruling out a recovery. I'd seen them rattling around the ward all day and I just wanted to pick him up by his bow tie and drag him and the other doctors over to Mum's bed. You see, she was the only one that mattered to me and she needed help. I was jumping in and out of her room trying to see how far away they were, while he was doing rounds etc. I wanted to shout out something sarcastic but it was because I love Mum and I was scared too. But the doctors and the consultant were so lovely to Mum and to us - they could see the anxiety and anguish in me as I started to cry and say, ''I'm sorry, I'm sorry''. They were so very, very kind. Mum started to drift off to sleep after having a tiny bit of pain relief. She was so exhausted, bless her.

At about 7.45pm, I nearly passed out and my brother and I went home becauseI needed meds, food and neither of us could bear to watch every last minute. Mum was a bit better now, so we went and he said he'd take me back at any time, no problem. He & sil live a 5 minute car drive away from me, and my sister just a little bit further away, which was a blessing because we were only about a 10-15 minute drive from the hospital from our homes. I took my meds and then made a cup of tea - the great British cure all! - and typed up this post. Then I sat on the sofa with the TV on and my coat around me and I fell asleep.

I awoke quite suddenly at 12.35a.m. on Friday, 9th January, 2009. I got up off the couch, refilled my water bottle with tap water, unplugged my mobile from the charger and had a quick wash. I'm ashamed to say that I was still wearing what I'd worn on Wednesday and hadn't had a shower either because I was scared that the phone would ring while I was doing it. My brother and sister were the same. I took a couple of headache tablets.

At 12.48a.m., we got a text from my sister saying Mum was asleep but that her breathing was getting more shallow. I'd got a routine now and had my shoes, bag and water by the front door ready to go, so I went over and put them on and put my coat on.

At 12.50a.m., my sister sent another text saying that it wasn't a false alarm. At 12.53, my brother and sil picked me up and off we went. Got to the hospital, parked (having grappled to find change for the exorbitant and cruel parking charges made to people using the hospital car park!), and got to the lift and went up to Mum's floor.

The doors of the lift opened and we stepped out to see my sister and my lovely cousin standing there. It was 1.05a.m. My sister said, ''She's gone.'' and started sobbing. We went down to see Mum.

She'd passed over at 12.55a.m., on 9th January, 2009, just 5 days before her 71st birthday, in her sleep, no pain and very peacefully. As quickly as that, for which I'm eternally grateful. I sat in her armchair watching my brother and sil and niece to say goodbye. My sister came down again and she and my brother walked out hugging each other, just as they had when Dad passed over - I know I'm just being emotional, but it hurt.

I stayed where I was, just me and Mum now. I wasn't crying, it was almost as though I was waiting for her to wake up. For all the world, she looked like she'd fallen asleep, so dignified, so calm. I knew she wasn't in pain now. I held her hand and I kissed her and thanked her for all the amazing things she was to me, and to my son, and for her incredible love - and I choose these words very carefully. I got up then and went down to the visitors room where the famous tea tray was waiting for me.

I couldn't, wouldn't cry. Little snatches of thoughts flew through my head like little meteorites. I was scared that if I cried now, I'd never stop, that the pain was enough to make me literally break. My sister, sil, niece went back down to say goodbye to Mum and came back.
I hadn't gone back to Dad after he passed, it didn't feel right at the time for him. But it was different for Mum - I wanted to see the quietness of her rest and burn it to my memory, after all her years of suffering - it was important to me. So finally, I went back to Mum after everyone else had been.

I told her I loved her, that we all did. Strangely, I felt she was really gone now and I opened the window for some strange reason, almost to refresh her, and to let her fly.
Then I said, ''I was the first one you brought into the world my Mum, so it seems only right that I should be the last one to see you leave it.'' I kissed her again and said, ''Love you, Mum. Night, night.'' and I closed the door.

My cousin left not long afterwards and I sat there with the others, sipping my tea quietly. I also felt a slim ribbon of peace inside of me, fluttering, occasional.

It was 3.45a.m. when we left the hospital. The corridors were almost respectfully empty. My brother and sister were walking off ahead, leaving me to walk with sil. Tearfully, I said I felt so alone, that they had been like that when Dad died. My sil - bless her, with all the good intentions in the world - said, ''No, you won't - because when I have my babies, (they've started trying to start a family just this month), I'll be round all the time - I can't think of someone better to be their aunty and there'll be lots of babysitting and you'll be sick of me. And I'll call you every week, I promise.''
Of all the strange things to feel, I just wanted to drop kick her to the other side of the car park! And I thought to myself, ''No you bloody won't - if I'd wanted 5 kids, I'd have had them myself!'' It almost made me smile inside - my sense of humour kicking in, I guess.

It wasn't cold, there was no breeze. We dropped my niece off, then my sister and that just left me for my brother and sil to drop off. We got to the house and I started to crumble a bit and said, ''Well, me next in line, I guess. I just feel so alone.'' My brother reached over and squeezed my hand and said, ''You're not, you've got me and sil. If you need anything at all, just call me, it doesn't matter what it is or what time it is.'' I must admit, he was pretty wonderful to me.

So they watched me go down the path to my front door and I turned and waved to them as I entered and closed the door. Then I stood there against the door and howled for all that I had just lost.

I mean this most sincerely, my lovely friends, I can't thank you enough for your support, for keeping me going, for caring, for even bothering to read my latest ''Tiff Chronicle''. There are some really special friends here. You were my virtual family when I came on the site to check my mail and to see how you were all doing. I was so touched by your messages. Yes - I am still watching you!

I'm still on very shaky ground but you really are holding me up. Thank you - it means so much to me. Thank you for allowing me to share this personal time with you - I just wanted to show how very wonderful my Mum was. Hopefully, both you and I will see in posts to come that there is always a way forward, even when you might not be able to see it yourself. Never give up on life guys - it's short enough as it is.

I'll post as and when I can - as you can see, I was typing Part 9 in chunks as it happened. It's time for Tiff to follow her own advice and take it an hour at a time - though you know I won't. I hope I don't sound like I've been wallowing too much and sorry for such long posts.
I don't want anyone to stop posting just as they normally would. This thread isn't all about me I know and I don't want anyone sitting there suffering in silence when they could be posting and getting support! Business as usual, ok?

Please be kind to yourselves guys.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx