Not Quite Rock bottom

RAS

Mupeteer

Thanks for coming on line. Hope you take the advice here.

One thought; you mention that it is nearly six years since mum died?

I found that for several years after the death of a very close friend that I was unsettled and upset in the weeks before the anniversary, although I did not realise why for the first few years. I think that carried on for five years before someone asked me what was up and thw whole lot caming flooding out.

Which was kinda OK for me because it happened at the point in the year when things were quietest. Once I was over the hurdle and understood what was happening, I was able to give myself a bit of time each year to acknowledge how I felt and honour my friend. I still remember each year, but now just need to take a little time to acknowledge my feelings and honour their memory.

If your mum died nearly six years ago and you have been doing assignments to deadlines at this time of year for the last four years, it may be that you have never had the time at the appropriate time to really honour your mum? And the tension between forcing yourself to work to the deadline and not being allowed to take the time to deal with your grief is upsetting you?

I may be talking out of my rear end; you are you not me, but that was my experience.

Hugs, whatever.

Mupeteer

thanks everyone. I'm still not great but I'm getting on with it. Away to collect my anti-depressants now - not the first time I've been on them so I know they help. As for the essay, its coming on. I've got the bare bones in place so just need to flesh it out now. i've decided that asking for an extension would probably be bad for me - it would just give me more of a chance to procrastinate then beat myself up for not getting on. So, another couple of thousand words to go, days planned with writing and dog walking so fingers crossed.
Money situation is still pretty pants and the hardship fun have dished out all they can to me but uni finishes in a few weeks and I'll be trying my hardest fo find a job. Structure in my day always helps when I'm feeling like this so that that wiuld be another bonus.
I really appreciate all the support I get from the people here. How did we survive before the internet?

RAS

Good to see you here. Glad you are feeling a bit better today.

You are right, if you break down 4,000 words into little chunks and knock off each chunk it can be done.

In_Search_Of_Me

A few thoughts from me...bear with me - am v tired!
Re the structure being important can totally understand this..I have ALWAYS worked but have been at home since Aug 09 and its taken some getting used to; after initial panic I soon settled into a sort of routine which consists (I realise after many months!) of some important factors which I will share with you as it may help;
1) Finally getting help when (after being physically sick) I went to GP...first lot f tabs didnt work - despite being highest dose but this lot are doing well; moral ofthat bit - give tabs time to work and if they dont be honest and get them changed
2) Be honest with family/gp/friends about how you feel if you can; Ive always been an "I can cope" kinda girl and, much to my surprise, people have been great and looked ater me; never knew that before becuase I didnt let them; my fault, not theirs!
3) When its really bad just get through the next hour/minute/day...focus on the ow rather than the "what may be"...takes some of the stress out of the situation
4) For me a large part of my current situation has been to acknowledge that if I have no money they cant have it; they can ring (and if it comes to it I''ll get rid of landline and ignore witheld nos!!) all they like - still won thave the money! Simples.
5) dont forget agencies such as cccs etc offer free advice and they are very supportive
6) Remember that no mater how bad you feel things are that there is ALWAYS a resoloution - as someone (have no idea who lo!) said - its only money....
7) Youre on the home streach...nearly there and soon will be earning! Een if its not much it will help your self esteem if nothing else!
8) try and get out each day - even if just to walk the dog round the block...

Mupeteer

Some good news: passed all my essays and will be graduating 2 weeks today. I'll hopefully find out tomorrow what school I will be teaching in next year.:j

Not so good news: Have had to sign on as I have no money and can't find a temporary job anywhere.:(

Rubbish news: my dad never fails to disappoint or upset me.

Buffythedebtslayer

very glad to see you pop up on my subcribed threads, good news on the graduating - better then good news - That is FANTASTIC


a huge well done to you star xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

beanielou

Great news on graduating
Hope you get a school quite near you.

savingwannabe

Hello Muppeteer, i recognised Beanielou was on here so i thought i would have a look. I have only read this page of your thread but flippin heck you sound like me!!!

Dont worry pet. It will get better. You must keep posting. I am on antidepressants, a teacher etc. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Graduating is a really big deal. A lot of people dont make it. Just think of the progress you have made. I am sure a job will turn up. Our friend Pixie is looking for a teaching position too. I do wish you well.

Life is a bit carp sometimes but you can beat this especially with the great support here on MSE. If you ever get down do pop on Mouseann's thread, (frightened for my future) we are all in a muddle of some sort but we try to beat it by talking to each other and having fun. It helps to pass the time and focus on nice things).

Good luck pet. Remember you are not alone.

beanielou

What a lovely post saving
Musat subscribe to Mouseanne's new thread.

Mupeteer

Thanks guys. Still (!) waiting to find out what school I'll be teaching in. We're the last local authority to find out and I'm in danger of attacking the postie every day. I'm worse than the dog - practically waiting on this side of the letter box.

The antidepressants are doing the job nicely. Despite the lack of work and money I'm feeling pretty positive just now and all this spare time is doing wonders for my garden and greenhouse.

Right, time to spend some time cleaning up inside the house (much prefer the greenhouse).