Stupid, stupid idiot.

ceegee

I'm typing this but don't yet know if I will post it. I have been so stupid. My ex husband and I divorced about 12 years ago. We had 2 small daughters. He could not cope with family life....it was too hard for him I think. Here we are 12 years on. Daughters now aged 17 and 13. They have kept in regular touch with their Dad......my front door has always been open to him in this respect. I took on the mortgage which was thankfully quite small. I have struggled like hell to keep things going and stop us from sliding into debt. Maintenance has been spasmodic. I have always managed to keep a job and am grateful for my Working Tax Credit. Ex husband's work contract came to an end about 5 years ago and he has struggled to find work since then (yes, I know, I know ). In the Autumn of last year he got a job...and I was pleased for him (and for me, as he would be able to start paying child support). But he needed help to get the job off the ground......paying for van hire and fuel. He was also struggling with debt so I suggested CCCS to him and he seemed grateful.

This is the stupid bit. I am a soft touch. I do not like to see people unhappy and burdened. I said he could use my credit card to pay for van hire and fuel and other vital things as long as I got paid back. I have only £135 in savings, so I am not exactly flush with funds. I have had promise after promise of repayment. It was going to be as soon as he got his first pay packet. Then it was the second paypacket. Then he was going to borrow the money off his Mum and it would be transferred into my bank account on 9th Dec. Then it was the 14th Dec. Then he decided it would be best to see how much he owed me in total so that he could approach his Mum for the whole lot. It would be available on Boxing Day. Then his Dad kicked up a stink and ex-husband decided on a matter of principle that he wasn't going to borrow off his parents. I then arranged an overdraft to cover the credit card bill.....it would be cheaper for him to pay the authorised overdraft interest than to pay interest charges on any unpaid credit card balance. So I am now overdrawn. Last Friday when he got paid, I asked about him paying me back. He said he needed to see his payslip to see exactly how much he could pay back this week and his payslip would arrive by Monday. I have heard nothing from him. He has transferred nothing into my bank account, but of course the direct debits for gas, council tax etc are all going out and the overdraft is growing by the day.

I am beside myself with worry. Yes, some may say it's only £1500. But it's his debt. It's his doing. Or is it my debt because I was stupid enough to lend him the card out of kindness? He is an intelligent man. He has very high qualifications. It turns out he has borrowed large amounts from his parents over the past couple of years and this was why his Dad got shirty at Christmas. He has also, it turns out, borrowed from his girlfriend. He has also even borrowed £80 from our 17 year old daughter.

What I need is someone to tell me how stupid I am. I know I'm stupid, but hearing it from someone else might give me what I need to get this sorted out. For goodness sake......I have struggled on my own for over 12 years with two children and just about managed to keep the roof over our heads.

Please help me.

Thank you

ceegee

PS I'm now going to burst into tears.

dalepearson

Its probably true that in hindsight you have made a mistake lending your ex money, but sadly in lega terms it is your debt on your card. If he still has / using the card I would get the card cancelled so it doesnt grow anymore.

As for getting the money back, this isnt something I think I can help with, but I am sure someone will help out.

Keep your chin up, you have done well for all these years, and have just had a slight misshap, your only human. Seems like the worst thing in the world at the moment, but I am sure it will get resolved.

Wish you all the best.

Kevicho

Your not stupid at all, your a very kind generous person, but in some respects thats where you went wrong, call me a cynic but ive gone down the same path before, lending people money to never get it back

If i were you id keep hassling him for the money, also talk with his parents, maybe they will help towards it, you are the mother of their grandchildren after all!

Also could your 17 year old help out with this, if she can give him 80 quid then im sure she can afford to give you some money to help out with this

Give this man no more money, tell your daughter not to as well, he clearly is on a sliding slope and needs to face up to facts, sometimes it doesnt matter how intelligent someone may be, habits can overide common sense, also tell him hes not being a good father, as no proper dad would sponge off there ex wife and possibly leave his own kids in trouble

good luck and take care

squeaky

Yep, stupid it is.

But I'm the same as you, a soft touch and trusting. But I'd rather get caught out now and then than be cynical and untrusting all the time.

Anyway - I'm sure you'll get lots of useful advice on the debt management, but here's my two pennorth...

..don't beat yourself up. <hug>

tigtig

Is your overdraft authorised? If it is and you can cover your bills, food etc with it, take a step back. Your not stupid dont be so hard on yourself. You were just trying to help someone thats not being stupid that being great.

Aim for a date to sort this out shall we say next Monday. In the mean time try and do something that will cheer you up. go for a nice walk, swimming or coffee with a friend. Anything that could take you away from the problem. By the time next Monday comes round you should be recharged and ready to tackle this problem head on.

Sounds like you have done a great job over the years well done for all that.

Good luck and i wich you all the best.

If you still having problems next week i'll talk to your Ex husband for you :whistle:

graemecarter

ceegee wrote:

What I need is someone to tell me how stupid I am. I know I'm stupid, but hearing it from someone else might give me what I need to get this sorted out. For goodness sake......I have struggled on my own for over 12 years with two children and just about managed to keep the roof over our heads.

You have been very stupid & naive. It is your debt as the credit card is in your name. What were you thinking?

Now I have told you that, I hope you feel better.

I am also going to say you are obviosuly kind, generous, and a loving wonderful mother. Don't be so silly again.

8pnoodles

I'm guessing you'll never get the money back it sounds like you're in a long queue of people he owes money to.

By all means be polite and nice to him when he comes to see his kids but if he asks for any more money say no, because he hasn't paid you back. I don't care what his sob story is.

It does really sound like he's probably already exhausted every possible means of getting money from banks and credit card companies. he probably owes a huge amount of money so he's not in a position to be able to pay you or anyone else back.

If you really want to help him out, point him to money management and debt dealing type websites like this one, and mention the CCCS again.

The scary thing is he sounds like he's not paying maintenance either at the moment.

Think about it, you've been effectively supporting yourself, your kids AND him! He isn't your responsibility.

Accept that you'll never get the money back and take this as an expensive lesson in not lending money to anyone, ESPECIALLY people who have a problem with debt already. Fair enough if you could afford to lend to him, but you obviously couldn't. Never EVER take out a loan or debt of some sort for someone else.

The debt is in your name, not his so I'm guessing he won't be made liable.

I had an ex boyfriend steal my cashcard off me and empty my bank account of £875, the day i got paid. I reported it to the police, spent about a year chasing this, very hard work and finally the courts decided he should pay back £600. Not the full amount at all. And they said if he disappeared for more than a year he wouldn't have to pay anything.

You've given this guy money, he hasn't stolen it from you in any real sense. So legally I don't think you can do anything. It may be worth talking to the CAB but don't hold your breath.

bank_of_slate

If anyone should be feeling stupid, it's him!

He's let himself, you and the kids down. I wonder if you might want to look at the small claims court to reclaim the money that you are entitled to. He'll fob you off as long as you let him get away with it.
If he had any intention of paying it back he would have started making contributions (even if they were small)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/crime/law/smallclaimscourt.shtml

You're the one thats kept the family afloat with your sensible budgeting.

The only thing that you did wrong was lend him money in all good faith, knowing that if you were the one borrowing, you WOULD have paid it back. The mistake is believing that he is as honest as you.

I would do some research on the small claims or from citizen's advice, give him a set date (in writing) to pay back in full or set up a monthly standing order into your account. If he doesn't comply, threaten him with the small claims court.
That should kick him into taking the situation seriously instead of 'Oh it's only her nagging me again'
Ask him this...would he let one of his business clients get away owing him the money?...I think not!
Good luck hunny.
...Linda xx

ceegee

You lovely, lovely people. Thank you so much for your replies. As well as the financial side of things, it hurts that kindness can turn around and bite you, IYKWIM. But that is for another thread, in a little while.

My Daughter cannot help me out....she is at College and the £80 was her savings. Thank goodness she managed to get that back off him.

Seeing what people have suggested (which has been so helpful :A :A ) I have phoned him and left a message asking what his proposals for repayment are. I will be seeing him tomorrow evening when he picks the girls up (they always stay with him on Friday nights). If he cannot come up with something satisfactory, then I shall tell him that I plan to take action, but shalln't tell him what that action is. I will first of all speak to his Mum and explain the situation to her. He says she knows what the situation is, but I have my doubts. I may write him a letter, saying that I must have a satisfactory proposal for repayments. As a last resort, I would have to take him to the small claims court. Not something I would like and it would probably cost money. The trouble is, he is the type of person who can manage to make me think that it is all my fault. He has already told me that I am ungrateful as he is working hard to repay the money and I don't know how to counter this. I think I'm frightened of him TBH, because I know he can convince me that black is white. It has always been that way.

Northernbird_2

Big hugs :grouphug: . Don't beat yourself up about it. You made a mistake, a mistake that's clearly based on you being a good and kind person, and there's nothing wrong with being that.

I always find the best way of feeling better is being pro-active and doing something (which can be hard). I obviously don't know full details, but could you sit down with your ex-husband and say that it's clear you can't pay all in one go, show me your last 2 payslips and calculate what you can afford to pay back each month. Put it in writing, set up a standing order to the account and go from there.

Some people can put off things by giving a date and then keep pushing it back, but maybe if you sat down and went through it thoroughly and make sure you get definite answers and agreements rather than a fob off, it may work.

Hope it works out. Don't let it drag you down and keep your chin up.

Pooky

I probably would have done exactly the same thing, as would many others. Don't beat yourself up about it - it's done and it needs sorting.

It might be an idea to write a letter to him stating exactly how much he owes and a break down of what it was all for. Give him a copy of the credit card bill and a copy of your bank statement showing the overdraft.

I'd set a date on which he needs to pay you back the money and keep it all in writing. If he owes you maintenance then note that in the letter too and tell him that you'll send a copy to the CSA (I assume you've made a claim for maintenance if he's working again).

Sometimes it's easier to get the facts in writing than have a screaming match where nothing gets sorted.

Tell your daughter that he owes you money and you'd rather she didn't lend him any more but respect that she might go behind your back if he asks and she will learn from it too.

His parents shouldn't have to be paying for his mistakes, I wouldn't raise the issue with them, the stress of it could be damaging to your relationship with them.

Feel free to pm if you want a rant.

Chin up.