Problem with teenager and benefits

bestpud

Conor wrote: »

Indeed. I've been telling my son since he was 10 that he's out the door when he's 18 either to a flat on his own or to university and that the money we've been squirrelling away in a savings account for him is for that purpose. He's not quite sure how serious I am, especially as he knows my parents charged me rent from the time I left school. I won't but he's fully aware of how the world works as it's been drilled into him that to have things and pay for them, you have to work for them. He wanted a Wii so he worked through summer to pay for it. He loves fishing and does odd jobs for people to pay for that. Last weekend, he really made me proud. One of his friends had a laptop with a few viruses on. He brought it here, asked me how to remove them, went off and did it then charged his friend £20 for the privilege.

Good for him! :T Reminds me of my friend's dd who made herself some revision notes (A level) and when asked if she could make some the same for a fellow student, said 'yes, that'll be £5 please'. They were good notes, postcard size and laminated, but she still made herself a few quid, and why not?

OP - I agree you have to get tough here as you are doing you dd no favours at all! Yeah, she will moan but I guess she does that anyway?

Mine were told much the same as cw18 - stay at college and we'll support you (although DD gets EMA too), or go to work and we will still support you but you will need to pay towards the bills.

I think it's good for them to know the full consequences of their actions so they can learn to make informed choices. Then the hard work starts - making sure they face the consequences head on...

bestpud

cw18 wrote: »

I agree with the "get tough" attitude.

Yes I felt guilty at throwing him out (he was 3 months short of 17 when I did that), and at times felt a total failure as a mother. But the whole family was about to fall apart because of the bicking over him, and I was coming close to collapsing with trying to hold everything together, pacify everyone and work full time. I'm now really pleased I had the strength to put his younger brother first and think of myself and my DH, and he's since told me a couple of times that he understands why I did what I did, and that he doesn't hold it against me.

I know just how you feel. I asked DS to leave here too, at about the same age, and I still tear myself up about it, but he's turned out for the better too.

I feel very proud of him, but not so proud of myself, I have to admit. But then time moves on and it's easy to forget how difficult it was at the time, for everybody in the family...

I'm so pleased he can now see why you did what you did though - that must help a lot.

Sorry OP - I'm going OT!

LizzieS_2

panicmerchant wrote: »

My oldest teen is 17, 18 in April, and I just found out that she's dropped out of college. She did this previously when living with her father but is back with me at the present time.
There's a few problems with this. I am on income support and get local housing allowance for me, her and her younger sister who's 15. I'm in the middle of claiming for Incapacity and DLA due to a long-term illness that's showing no signs of improving so not able to work. Even this is on hold right now due to ill-health of myself and younger daughter.

I am now not legally allowed to claim income support/child tax credit/child benefit for the oldest as she's flunked the college which, as a private tenant in an expensive city, leaves me particularly stuck when I have to go and declare it before I get done for fraud. We will not be able to live here if this happens, we'll be made homeless and I don't know if they're going to take any excess rent payments or benefits away from me that may have been overpaid. I do not have savings and I have no way of getting any finances sorted out to fix any damage. Even if I've not been overpaid, we won't be able to cover the rent with the diminished housing allowance that I will get. I won't be able to afford to pay for all three of us and I won't be able to afford bills.

Daughter will not get off her backside and get a job, I'm in no state to even bully her into it, she's got plans to try another college course in the new year but as she's now quit two, I don't hold out any hopes for her getting far on this one.

What are our options? Can she claim job-seekers allowance and her own housing benefits for here even though I'm her parent? I haven't any way of being able to afford to keep her and I can't throw her out on the streets. She can't go back to her father as he has alcohol problems and it's not a suitable place for a young lady to live.

How many years have you been on Income Support?

Your daughter is a typical teenager, however you put up with her behaviour when you were entitled to tax credits and child benefit for her, so surely you should apply the same morals when the income source is extinguished?

Fran

I think some bad advice is coming out here. Firstly we don't know the family at all, we don't know if the teen has some problem that stops her going to college - perhaps she is upset by her mother's (and sister's?) illness and the fact her father is an alcoholic and needs support with that. Secondly we don't know where she lives and advising a parent to chuck a 17 year old out to me is clearly wrong, firstly an effort must be made to resolve the problems. As finance is mentioned, the first thing the mother can do is make sure she is getting all the help she can for herself by completing the IB and DLA forms. Maybe mediation would help with the family and local help should be looked into.

It depends on where you live what options regarding housing would be available. Some are going to be better than others. She won't have a deposit for private rented accommodation and if offered any council housing it will be in the worst areas and with no choice. She might end up in temporary accommodation such as hostels and where is she going to get money for food? Or maybe she will stay at friends' houses therefore passing the problem on to them.

The tone of some posts implies that the "tough" option should be taken and to chuck her out and this has been thanked and applauded. However the real tough option is the parent taking responsibility and sorting out the family problem.

bestpud

Fran wrote: »

I think some bad advice is coming out here. Firstly we don't know the family at all, we don't know if the teen has some problem that stops her going to college - perhaps she is upset by her mother's (and sister's?) illness and the fact her father is an alcoholic and needs support with that. Secondly we don't know where she lives and advising a parent to chuck a 17 year old out to me is clearly wrong, firstly an effort must be made to resolve the problems. As finance is mentioned, the first thing the mother can do is make sure she is getting all the help she can for herself by completing the IB and DLA forms. Maybe mediation would help with the family and local help should be looked into.

It depends on where you live what options regarding housing would be available. Some are going to be better than others. She won't have a deposit for private rented accommodation and if offered any council housing it will be in the worst areas and with no choice. She might end up in temporary accommodation such as hostels and where is she going to get money for food? Or maybe she will stay at friends' houses therefore passing the problem on to them.

The tone of some posts implies that the "tough" option should be taken and to chuck her out and this has been thanked and applauded. However the real tough option is the parent taking responsibility and sorting out the family problem.

I think, as you say, every circumstance is different, and I for one would not recommend anyone chuck their child out on the street! I hoped my post was saying, yes it worked out, but I am still chewed up over it. My son had somewhere to go and still does benefit from a local and very supportive family network.

cw18

I accept every situation is different, but at 17 this girl is old enough to realise that things she does "on a whim" may have serious implications for more people than just her. As it's the second course she's dropped out of, I tend to agree with the OP that she's (unfortunately) unlikely to stick to a third

bestpud

cw18 wrote: »

I accept every situation is different, but at 17 this girl is old enough to realise that things she does "on a whim" may have serious implications for more people than just her. As it's the second course she's dropped out of, I tend to agree with the OP that she's (unfortunately) unlikely to stick to a third

Yes, I agree. Problems or not, there comes a time when everyone has to take responsibility for their actions.

The OP is clearly struggling and thus this girl is not the only person to consider.

OP - I really hope your dd will visit connexions and get some support with deciding what to do.

If she won't then you need to take a tougher stance imo, whatever that means in your case.

panicmerchant

Thanks everyone for all of your suggestions.
I have spoken to all of the benefits people today and, because my daughter is registered with Connexions, I can carry on claiming for her for 20 weeks/until she goes back to college/training/gets a job (we can but hope!).
The housing benefit will be paid until she's 18, regardless, so I am in less of a panic than I was last night.
I have read all of the comments here and am very grateful for advice given - I do think I need to be a bit tougher with her anyhow although not tough enough to boot her out, I'll just boot her up the backside more frequently.

cw18

Glad things are sounding better for you financially tonight -- must be a weight off your mind

lawdel18

Hi i work in a contact center for child benefit. Im sorry about the situation you are in but depending on when your daughter left college, you may still be entitled to chb.As long as she is not working or claiming benefits. So if your daughter finished fte after 01/12/08 then you should be able to get chb till 02/03/09 as long as she not working or claiming benefits, and therefore your hb and income support should continue till then as you would get proof (ch84ts) from chb that you are still receiving it. If your daughter finished college before 01/12/08 then the chb would need to be ended from 01/12/08 as this is a fixed exclusion date. Hope this helps if you need any more info feel frr to pm me