should we go to court/solicitors??

LADY_A_5

hiya, not sure if this is right place? if not sorry

where shall i start, ok me and oh have been together nearly 2 years, and he has a 5yr old dd. problem is his ex.

she tries to put conditions on oh saying he cannot have dd at my house, which is where he lives. she says he can only have dd at his mums ( he moved 150 miles to be with me so travels to collect dd and back to ours and returns her home on sunday eve).

she constantly puts the phone down/dont answer at all when its time for oh to go and collect her. she screams and shouts that im this and that and dd is not allowed at our home or he dont see her.

this has been constant through our relationship, she even went online to try and find pictures of me asking ppl if they think im pretty and what she would do to me if she finds out where we live, she interigates the dd after dd is dropped back home with her.
i really would like to know if she can stop dd from coming to our home and if she stipulates (if we go to court which is very likely) that he can only have dd at his mums can she do this??? its advice for my oh really as he is so fed up of not being able to see his dd or half way through a phonecall the mum comes on screaming that she is going to kill me and he is no longer having contact. we were s'posed to have her this weekend but she will not answer the phone and text saying your not seeing her unless SHE meaning me is not with him.

all advice appreciated please xx

MrsTinks

I would go to court but I would gather as much evidence as possible first. Recording phone conversations is illegal unless you tell her you are doing it so you might want to speak to a solicitor about that first?
Any texts, mails or incidents, keep them and record them them in a diary so that you can show it in court if need be. Don't rise to her abuse whatever happens, but remain calm and polite. (It will infuriate her even further which might be of some satisfaction but will also show you to any one else as being a reasonable person.)
In the diary where possible note any witnesses to the incidents too.
If you can record any of the abuse then obviously that would be great... but I really would advise you to get some legal advise on that first due to the nature of the problem

Best of luck!

LADY_A_5

im doing my best to bite my toungue etc, but i dont think its right for the mother to teach her child to hate me. poor little thing is so confused. i will start a diary, and see what solicitors say etc thanks x

Nicki

This is really something for your OH to decide but it certainly wouldn't hurt to get some legal advice to see where he stands. Was he married to his ex, and if not does he have parental responsibility for the child (ie is his name on the birth certificate)? This will make a difference to his position.

The other thing to bear in mind, as I know that you are also posting on the ttc thread, is that one of the questions you will be asked when going for any form of fertility treatment is whether either of you already have children, and if you do, whether they live with you, and if they don't why not. I'm not sure what will happen when you have to disclose your circumstances as we didn't have non-resident children to disclose, but it may well trigger an investigation into your circumstances by the HFEA before they will allow you to have treatment (whether nhs or private), and it might be good to try to find out in advance what their attitude to a situation like this is likely to be.

LADY_A_5

hiya, i dont have any children so i cant see why the hefea would want to investigate?? we are not going to go for treatment until a few things get sorted and this is one of them. i can see this may be a prob for nhs as he has a dd but privatly it should not have any baring on our case??


yes, he is on b/c so has some rights to see his dd, although what were really unsure about is the mother not letting him have dd at our home. neither of us has ever dealt with anything like this before, he was not married to her.
any advice as to wheather she can make the rules about where he has his dd?? thankyou xx

ajaney

Hi

I have a partner of 10 years who has a teenage son that lives with his mother.

Things are thankfully good with us now but around 8 years ago there were fallings out etc so this is where my advice is coming from, from what we found out at the time.

The mother cannot make any stipulations legally on where the Father takes the child when he has his access unless she believes the child will be at risk (i.e people with criminal records etc etc).

Unfortunately, with the best will in the world, there is only so much the courts can do. I don't mean to be defeatist or negative but when we were having our troubles, the solicitor basically said to us that we could drag her to every court in the land but at the end of it all, Mothers are not punished in any meaningful way as a Judge is hardly going to put the Mother in prison.

He recommended that my OH write to the Mother without any legal threats or anything suggesting that they meet up to talk or go through a mediation service ( I am 99.9% sure this is the people he suggested - http://www.nfm.org.uk/index.php?page=Home) He also talked to us about a Parental Responsibility Order & Contact Order.

We were able to clear the air without having to go to mediation or seek any further legal help. My OH wrote to the ex & also spoke to her Father to explain that all he wanted was to help bring the child up etc & this paved the way for a long talk & things have been fine ever since. It was a case of compromising a little but we were happy to do that in the short term for a better long term gain.

Do you know why this person is hostile towards you? Does she blame you for the breakdown of the relationship?

Anyway, you have my sympathies & I hope the above helps you a little. It might help having a short consultation with a family solicitor to see the Options.

Nicki

LADY_A wrote: »

hiya, i dont have any children so i cant see why the hefea would want to investigate?? we are not going to go for treatment until a few things get sorted and this is one of them. i can see this may be a prob for nhs as he has a dd but privatly it should not have any baring on our case??

As you probably know from the ttc 12months+ thread, I had some treatment last month at a private clinic. It is a legal requirement that both parties fill out a child welfare form for the HFEA and both parties are asked whether they have children, whether they live with them, and if not, why they don't. I have no idea what, if anything, the HFEA do if you say you do have children but they don't live with you, but given that it is a child welfare form, I would guess that they do enquire further, hence why I'm suggesting that if you are consulting a solicitor anyway, that you take this factor into consideration. I'm not having a go at you over this, just telling you what you will definitely be asked if and when you decide to go down the assisted conception route with this partner.

LADY_A_5

hiya, thanks for the reply, he has tried sitting down, she agrees then changes her mind. she allows dd to come to our home, then changes her mind. she cannot move on from my oh, althoughthe last 2 years of their relationship he slept on the sofa. we have tried talkin with her mother, she is an alcholic so we got no where except abuse. i feel dd is stuck in the middle of this war as such and the fact she enjoys coming here makes her mother even worse. i think we should consult a solicitor to try and maybe send her a letter requesting regular acess and phonecalls without her changing her mind/not allowing dd to come/screaming abuse on phone/texts etc. the mother has told oh mum she wont even turn up at court if we go. all oh wants is contact and phonecalls with no abuse.
thankyou

LADY_A_5

hi nikki, well i guess thats thrown me a bit, as i would have thought that if my oh has a child, it would be 'normal' to presume the mother has the child on a full time basis,? as i say before neither of us have dealt with a situation like this (or the ivf!) so we are new to all of it. so all advice is appreciated thankyou x (will mention to solicitor maybe he can advise?)

Nicki

LADY_A wrote: »

hi nikki, well i guess thats thrown me a bit, as i would have thought that if my oh has a child, it would be 'normal' to presume the mother has the child on a full time basis,? as i say before neither of us have dealt with a situation like this (or the ivf!) so we are new to all of it. so all advice is appreciated thankyou x (will mention to solicitor maybe he can advise?)

I'm not sure. Most of the parents I know who aren't together any more have shared residence (even if the child in reality lives with one more than the other), but that may well be the exception rather than the rule. As I say, I have no idea what attitude the HFEA have - and almost certainly it isn't a bar to going ahead with treatment, but it may be something that you have to explain. And linked to this if your partner decided to apply for a shared residence order but failed to get it, that might be worse than the status quo. I don't have any of the answers but hopefully a good family law solicitor might know a bit more.

I don't know if the child welfare form is available online anywhere, as you might find it interesting to have a look to see what kind of questions are asked. It is a real interview to see if you're suitable to be a parent process, and is a bit daunting if you aren't expecting it!

Good luck whatever you decide.

LADY_A_5

wow!! i never knew any of this..some ways i feel what's it got to do with them type attitude, then the other half of me thinks if this screening was in place a lot of people that shouldnt have children (baby p's case for example) couldn't. an interview to determine if im a suitable parent..then they take 4-5 grand for the process!! i am shocked tbh but thankyou so much as i knew none of this!! x