thinking of going to counselling-should I tell OH?

confused_29

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

I agree that sometimes it is useful to see a counsellor, to sort out what is going on and to help get some sort of external perspective.

I also agree that sometimes what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over. If you think it would make your dear heart feel bad then perhaps it is better - but never, ever, ever suggest to her that you saw someone without letting her know.

If the counselling is about concerns within your relationship it may be well to go but consider counselling as a couple later. Also, is your dear heart getting sufficient support from her GP/counselling/her family? If she is in a very bad state then you cannot bear the burden alone.

I hope it all works out for you.

Thanks for your words. She has support from the family but the GP and general NHS support has been pretty poor.

I feel like I am making a big deal over nothing, my problems are nothing compared to some people. I feel stupid for starting this thread now but thank you to everyone for your replies, it has helped and made me think a bit harder.

wannabe_sybil

confused_29 wrote: »

Thanks for your words. She has support from the family but the GP and general NHS support has been pretty poor.

I feel like I am making a big deal over nothing, my problems are nothing compared to some people. I feel stupid for starting this thread now but thank you to everyone for your replies, it has helped and made me think a bit harder.

No no no! You are in a difficult place, and it is just as important that you should be happy. If you have a choice to air a problem in an anonymous place, looking for advice on how to avoid hurting your dear heart you would be very silly not to take advantage of the sensible people on here (myself excluded) who can help you out and, it also seems, can help you help your dear heart out.

If you have problems, and they are getting in the way of your life then it is entirely sensible to sort them out. Also, another way of looking at the problem is - I am finding it hard to deal with concerns. This is making it harder for me to help my dear heart. I want to help my dear heart. I need to sort out those concerns.

Also, you may feel that your problems are not as bad as some other people's but they are the only ones you have and they are the ones you need to deal with.

Good luck

SecretSquirrel88

Difficult...

My partner is going to his first counselling session tonight to try and fix our broken relationship. I went to my first counselling session on Saturday and it was amazing to get it all out in the open!

I really do think it depends on the situation. In the situation we are in I would have been over the moon if I found out he was having counselling but thats because it involves me. If we were in a healthy happy relationship and he went to get counselling behind my back about something or other I don't think I would be very happy as I would then be dissapointed that he felt he couldnt come to me, when I say that I mean I would feel dissapointed in myself - ie: is it me? am i not easy to talk to? etc etc.

So it really does depend on the circumstances. You say she has been through alot, maybe you telling her that you feel you need counselling to get things sorted will be a relief to her, knowing that its going to make you stronger as a couple?

Good luck x

ameliarate

feel like I am making a big deal over nothing, my problems are nothing compared to some people. I feel stupid for starting this thread now but thank you to everyone for your replies, it has helped and made me think a bit harder.

There is always somebody worse off than you but you have to deal with your own life and if it is a problem to you then it is a problem and not something silly.

I hope you get the help you need so you can both get your life together back on track and be happy.

callow

Perhaps you could just say you were having some counselling for some work issues. The fact that work will pay and it is in work time is in your favour. That way your OH will not feel threatened.

confused_29

Well I had a reply from a counsellor about making an appointment. I stated I wasn't sure if it was for me and whether I should tell my partner. He suggested I make an intitial appointment without any further commitment and then decide whether to continue and if I should tell my partner or not. I suppose this makes sense? Although the more I think about it the more I think I should discuss it with her first.

edit: thanks callow. it wouldn't by a total lie either as work is one of the things playing on my mind.

TotallyBroke

People don't have worse problems than anyone else. Problems are like apples and oranges. They can't be compared to each other. A problem is a problem and it is how we deal with it that matters.
It's a very difficult situation to be in. The good thing about counselling is, you say what one problem is. They listen, then break it down into seperate chunks and ask you how you would solve chunk 1.
It's you asking and answering your own questions and problems.

Swirlywurly

I would be worried if my OH went to counselling and didn't tell me. But I would also be proud that they had enough insight to realise there was something wrong and were trying to fix it.

I think its a good idea to go and discuss with the counsellor telling your OH and then decide. Take it one step at a time.

Good luck, and you should be proud of yourself. Don't feel silly for having problems and wanting to face up to them.

Errata

confused_29 wrote: »

Well I had a reply from a counsellor about making an appointment. I stated I wasn't sure if it was for me and whether I should tell my partner. He suggested I make an intitial appointment without any further commitment and then decide whether to continue and if I should tell my partner or not. I suppose this makes sense? Although the more I think about it the more I think I should discuss it with her first.

edit: thanks callow. it wouldn't by a total lie either as work is one of the things playing on my mind.

Sound advice from the counsellor. Will telling her make you feel better at the cost of making her feel worse? Perhaps if that's the case you need to put her needs before your own just at the moment and have a first session without telling her.
The implications of you telling her and then deciding not to continue after the first session are that she'll be entitled to an explanation and then you'll have to tell her the reasons you felt you needed some counselling.

Savvy_Sue

Sometimes I do things and tell DH afterwards, and that might be the thing to do. A good counsellor would help you find the right words.

Also if work is an 'issue', I might say I was having some counselling through work for work, at least to begin with.

thing is, your beloved isn't daft, and probably knows you've got problems, separate from her problems, and she might be jolly glad to think you were getting help with your problems even if hers didn't seem very resolvable right now.