thinking of going to counselling-should I tell OH?

confused_29

Hi - Sorry, this is not money saving related I just wanted to get people's opinion on this. I have been thinking for a while now of going to counselling. There's stuff on my mind and I feel like I can't discuss it with my OH at the moment. She has already been through a lot this year and I am trying to stay strong for her but don't feel like I am coping. If I told her about this I think it would only add to her own stress and I don't want to do that, but is it wrong to keep it from her? If only I could get my head straight I would be able to work out why I feel like I do and then it would be easier to talk things through with her.

ameliarate

Tricky one.

I am trying to think how I would feel if my OH went to counselling and didn't tell me and I think not very happy is the answer. On the other hand it would depend on what kind of problems your OH has been going through and whether this would really be too much of a burden and, can you go without her knowing or it arousing any concerns?

Gosh not much help am I? Bottom line for me is don't do anything without telling your OH if you can avoid it, however, if you seriously think telling would do more harm than good and you can go without it causing them any cocern then you should do so for your own mental health, but let them know as soon as you can.

TotallyBroke

Where will you say you are going? If you start lying to get to a meeting then ultimately you will add to her stress and things will go steadily worse.
Is you OH totally against counselling. Could it not be something you do together, you can have the same counsellor but at different meetings. Then as time goes on you could start having joint meetings to help you both.

Please do not tell lies, I also do not think that hiding things is very healthy for a relationship.

confused_29

ameliarate wrote: »

Tricky one.

I am trying to think how I would feel if my OH went to counselling and didn't tell me and I think not very happy is the answer. On the other hand it would depend on what kind of problems your OH has been going through and whether this would really be too much of a burden and, can you go without her knowing or it arousing any concerns?

Gosh not much help am I? Bottom line for me is don't do anything without telling your OH if you can avoid it, however, if you seriously think telling would do more harm than good and you can go without it causing them any cocern then you should do so for your own mental health, but let them know as soon as you can.

Thanks for your reply. I was thinking of going through the counselling service in work. I would feel bad not telling her, but I feel bad about a lot of the stuff that goes through my mind. If I did tell her she would wonder why I can't talk through it with her - but I some of the stuff I think about would upset her.

I'm probably just being immature and selfish to be honest and need to sort myself out.

wannabe_sybil

I would be absolutely devastated if my dear heart went to counselling without telling me.

Also, it has a budget implication - counselling can be as much as £35 per session, unless referred by GP.

I think that it may be useful to sit down and work out a letter to her, to let your dear heart know that you need to work things out, but that is not in any way to imply that you love her less or wish to add to her burdens. In a letter you can work out exactly what to say, and how to say things without getting interrupted or sidetracked or confused.

Also, she needs to know that you want to be there for her but sometimes you also need a little help. It is surprising how, if you are open and honest, you can fall towards each other and support each other that way.

I hope this helps.

confused_29

TotallyBroke wrote: »

Where will you say you are going? If you start lying to get to a meeting then ultimately you will add to her stress and things will go steadily worse.
Is you OH totally against counselling. Could it not be something you do together, you can have the same counsellor but at different meetings. Then as time goes on you could start having joint meetings to help you both.

Please do not tell lies, I also do not think that hiding things is very healthy for a relationship.

It would be in work time so I wouldn't be sneaking around. I do agree with you though - but I do need to get my head sorted as I feel guilty about some of the stuff that goes through my mind. She has got enough on her own plate at the moment without me adding to it

confused_29

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

I would be absolutely devastated if my dear heart went to counselling without telling me.

Also, it has a budget implication - counselling can be as much as £35 per session, unless referred by GP.

I think that it may be useful to sit down and work out a letter to her, to let your dear heart know that you need to work things out, but that is not in any way to imply that you love her less or wish to add to her burdens. In a letter you can work out exactly what to say, and how to say things without getting interrupted or sidetracked or confused.

Also, she needs to know that you want to be there for her but sometimes you also need a little help. It is surprising how, if you are open and honest, you can fall towards each other and support each other that way.

I hope this helps.

Thanks - it would be free through work so no budget implications. I could write a letter but like I said I don't want to burdern her and the more I am thinking about the more I feel like I am just being immature. She's had a lot to deal with and I am just being selfish and thinking of myself.

RobertoMoir

confused_29 wrote: »

It would be in work time so I wouldn't be sneaking around. I do agree with you though - but I do need to get my head sorted as I feel guilty about some of the stuff that goes through my mind. She has got enough on her own plate at the moment without me adding to it

Well if this is counselling about "you" rather than about "the two of you", I have to say that its good to see someone willing to admit to themselves that they might need help and do something about it.

I don't like the idea of not telling your partner, but if you're sure that is for the best and this isn't just a way of justifying not telling her about something that she ought to know about then on balance you've got to do it haven't you.

ameliarate

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

I would be absolutely devastated if my dear heart went to counselling without telling me.

Also, she needs to know that you want to be there for her but sometimes you also need a little help. It is surprising how, if you are open and honest, you can fall towards each other and support each other that way.

I hope this helps.

Sometimes, though we may not like it, there are times when it is better not to tell people things. If the OP's other half is going through a bad time and would be made to feel worse if she thought she had caused him to need counselling then it would be better if he kept quiet and, it may help him to help her. The counsellor may also have some suggestions as to how he can tell her without causing her distress.

wannabe_sybil

I agree that sometimes it is useful to see a counsellor, to sort out what is going on and to help get some sort of external perspective.

I also agree that sometimes what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over. If you think it would make your dear heart feel bad then perhaps it is better - but never, ever, ever suggest to her that you saw someone without letting her know.

If the counselling is about concerns within your relationship it may be well to go but consider counselling as a couple later. Also, is your dear heart getting sufficient support from her GP/counselling/her family? If she is in a very bad state then you cannot bear the burden alone.

I hope it all works out for you.

confused_29

ameliarate wrote: »

Sometimes, though we may not like it, there are times when it is better not to tell people things. If the OP's other half is going through a bad time and would be made to feel worse if she thought she had caused him to need counselling then it would be better if he kept quiet and, it may help him to help her. The counsellor may also have some suggestions as to how he can tell her without causing her distress.

Thank you, yes that is how I feel. However I feel conflicted as I don't like keeping stuff from her. I started trying to talk about it the other night but I couldn't get the words out.