How to teach a 4 year old child to value things?

Minerva69

My DD will be 4 in January, she's an only child (and will probably remain so) and I have to be the first to admit that she's been spoilt when it comes to buying her toys, books, clothes etc. We're not well off at all but I'd rather spend money on her than myself. I always go for bargains and never pay full price for anything. It's now starting to cause problems though as she doesn't value any of her possessions. If she breaks or loses a toy she just thinks we can buy her another, she goes through the Argos and Woolies catalogues pointing out things she wants :rolleyes: We've started to try and explain that things cost money and some things are more expensive than others so she can't have everything.

She has to tidy her toys up herself before she's allowed to watch any TV in the evening, but she's always reluctant to do it. The teachers at nursery say she won't tidy up there either, even though they have a "tidy up time" and everybody is supposed to help even if they didn't make the mess. She can be very obstinate and if she doesn't want to do something we soon know about it. She's been having problems at nursery because she won't share with the other children, if she gets a toy she wants she won't let anyone else play with it. We've tried a reward chart but it didn't work, she wasn't interested in earning stickers after the first day.

I don't buy her things now unless she's been good, and I've cut down on the number of birthday/Xmas presents she will be getting this time. I was considering starting giving her pocket money so she can begin to appreciate you have to save for things, but after reading the pocket money thread on here I think she might be too young to understand how it works yet. I realise we've probably caused a lot of these problems ourselves but I'd like to sort it out now. She'll be going to nursery school full-time in January and going to primary school next year and I think she's going to get a bit of a shock! We don't know anyone else with children so we haven't got anyone else to talk to about this. Any ideas anyone?

longforthesun

My DS is almost 4 and we have the same sort of issues although he has taken very well to the reward chart we started a few weeks ago although we have yet to see how long this will last.

Its very hard but we have found that telling him Santa knows when he is not being good and knows when you don't help tidy up or break a toy. He is also due to start school in August and I have found telling him that his teacher at school will not be happy if he breaks toys or doesn't help tidy up and we play at lessons for a while and part of the game is tidying up. At his nursery they turn the lights off then on again and all the kids know this to mean the start of tidying up so I use this at home too. He is very excited about starting school so this does help us.

I suppose it all depends on how much children understand things but at the moment the Santa thing is working although what we will use after xmas I am not sure.

Fen1

If DD does break something ask her whether it would be better to try an mend it or put it in the bin. If mending, the two of you can sit down and try to mend it. If binning, she has to put it in the bin. No replacements. If she breaks something and bins it, that's it.

Try to wean her off looking at catalogues. Is it something you do as well? Has she learnt this behaviour from you? Examine how you relate to 'window' shopping and purchasing. Can you modify your behaviour so that she learns differently?

Sounds harsh, but quite simply don't buy her anything. SHe has a roof above her head, food in her stomach and shoes on her feet. SHe doesn't actually need anything else as she already has toys and books. WHy does she have so much stuff, and on a regular basis? Why are you buying these things? WHat really is your motivation? What is your sadness about her being the only child for the forseeable future?

Perhaps you can already guess that I'm trying to get you to think about you as much as her. SHe is the recipient of your behaviour, and she is modelling and responding to you. Other posters will give you lots of tips on how to help her with her behaviour, but it is just as crucial for both of you for you to look at you.

Reggie_Rebel

Minerva69 wrote: »

I don't buy her things now unless she's been good, and I've cut down on the number of birthday/Xmas presents she will be getting this time. I was considering starting giving her pocket money so she can begin to appreciate you have to save for things,

So you are going to stop getting her things and then give her money to get things?

Rule 1 - Nothing else comes out until the other stuff is tidy
Rule 2 - Something gets broke - unlucky it's not replaced
Rule 3 - You live by your rules, not hers. You tell her to tidy up, she tidies up or gets friendly with the naughty step
Rule 4 - Nothing wrong with going through the Argos book, in fact it can be enjoyable, when wants something ask her what she thinks she would have to do to deserve it

Jo_R_2

My oldest DD is 4.5yrs and I found the best way of getting her to share and appreciate what she has is her younger sister I swear, having a crazed toddler running about trying to get her hands on everything her sister owns has been the best way of getting DD1 to appreciate and look after what she has. Having said that, creating a new child solely for that purpose might be a bit extreme lol!:D

I've done a few purposeful things to drive home, in a simple way, about tidying up, sharing and how money doesn't stretch to everything she wants. For the tidying, I have a 'one toy/game at a time out' rule and whatever she's been playing with HAS to be tidied away before the next thing gets brought out or the next activity is started. Otherwise, it's a no go, no matter how much she moans.

I tried an ongoing, gentle approach with sharing, usually when group play is involved. I've found it easier to point out how sharing works if she's playing with others because inevitably there will be something she wants that another child has, and vice versa.

The money aspect has been something over the last few months for us, I have brought up in everyday conversation to 'accustom' her to it, if you like. In a sense I had to do it because I got made redundant and money was tight, so I had to explain why it was especially important to look after toys, as I wouldn't be able to buy new ones for her if she broke them. I mention in relation to this very simply about having money, and very important things have to be paid first, and give examples like for electricity, gas, water and food, and we only have a certain amount of pennies left after so we have to be very careful about what we spend it on.

I've found a good way is when we go to the shops, and she says she wants a magazine, a chocolate bar and a bag of grapes (lol) at various points, I ask her to think about which she wants most because we only have pennies for one of them. Or I might be a bit moneysaving and give her an example from what she's said, like, "now we've got the things we need on our shopping list, we have 50p left, so you can pick either one chocolate bar, or this many little oranges. If you have the bar that'll be gone as soon as you eat it, but if you pick the oranges they'll last longer." Stuff like that, maybe a bit more simplified, keeping it age appropriate.

I think a lot of it comes through time from socialising, as a neighbour whose son DD1 goes to reception with, said how good DD1 was at sharing and how her DS hated sharing when DD1 goes round to play. I think it's one of those things that can come from seeing it in action because she said he's gotten better since being at school.

Poppy9

Only children don't have to end up spoilt brats.

I have a 13 year old DD and she is not spoilt and knows the value of money & possessions.

What I did gauge from reading your OP is that you have suddenly changed the rules because now she is a bit older and interacting outside the home you can see her behaviour is not as good as it could be. Have you explained to her that you've changed the rules and why? If not she might be confused and her behaviour worse because she doesn't understand what has changed.

When DD was younger a lot of her big toys came from her older cousin and she loved them as much as brand new toys but sometimes she was a bit overwhelmed by all the donations (we ended up with 3 dolls houses) and lovely toys were ignored. We donated excess toys like this to the M&T group we went to and as DD got older her old nursery and reception classes. DD loved seeing others enjoy her old toys.

If she is overwhelmed by all her toys a ruthless sort out is called for. Tell your DD you are going to do a carboot/garage sale and encourage her to find toys she no longer wants to sell. Tell her she can keep 1/2 the money to put into her savings account. Even if it's cold and wet get her to do the car boot sale with you. We are lucky where we live in that a lot of grandparents go walking past our house so DD sold a lot of her Little Tykes stuff by just putting them on the garden wall with a for sale sign. She even negoiated with man from £5 per item to £4 per item. Sometimes our neighbours DD would bring her stuff too and they would sit for hours at their little table waiting for customers (and it gave me peace:T ).

Also I found reward charts worked well for tidying up etc.

We also went down the pocket money route from about 7. DD now upto £30 per month, by bank credit as it doesn't burn a hole in her hand, which she has to fund her weekend jaunts out with friends from.

Resist buying toys aside from Christmas and Birthdays as your house just ends up as a giant toy store! If you can't sell something then give it away. We put DD swing out recently on our front lawn saying "free please take" and within an hour someone knocked the door to ask if it really was okay to take.

Only buy enough clothes/shoes that she really needs. I've learnt the hard way as I have given away so many immaculate barely worn clothes. Only today I gave 3 black bags full to a friend with two daughters as I discovered a bag I had put away 2 years ago to car boot and never got around to. Even though many were bargain buys, they weren't really a bargain as she didn't need them.

Final tip is when your child asks for something to explain to them that you/Daddy earns say £10 per hour and help them work out how many hours you would have to work to buy that toy. Once they make the link with working to get money they will stop asking or may offer to earn their own money to help pay for it. If you have parents nearby it could be 50p for dusting Grandmas sitting room or washing the dishes etc.

geekgirl

When our kids pulled the 'we don't want to tidy up' my OH used to get a bin bag and start putting their toys in and say right you don't want them or appreciate them they can go to the charity shop.

I was a stickler for all books must go back on the bookshelf, jigsaws and other toys that had lots of bits had to be put back into their boxes and things like lego and duplo had to go into their containers.

There was only once when some bits did go to the charity shop because they didn't get them tidied up. And the important part was the kids knew we meant it!

I must admit though most of their stuff did come second hand in the first place.

Rikki

I just wondered, can you still take out grown toys to the hospital for the children's ward?

Maybe if you could explain to her that some children don't have many toys and ask her to give some of hers away. She must look after them so they are look nice for the new little girl who will get them.

elainew

We just threaten to get the hoover out or the bin bags if my dd won't tidy up--she soon does it !

Krystaltips

If this is a new rule change then be consistent until the message gets through otherwise nothing will change.

My DD will try it on sometimes in shops if I say no to something new but she does now understand 'Mummy doesn't have enough pennies for that' and she likes to look through catalogues at things but I am straight with her and say no that's too expensive or wait and see what santa brings you... I don't always say no though, if I think she deserves something then I tell her why...

We also operate the one toy only rule but when she goes to play in her room alone this is rarely adhered to lol... I just always make sure she tidies up before bed every night... Should also add here... I always help her tidy up, she's not big enough to do it completely alone and it boosts her to think Mummy's helping her... And when Daddy tries to help she lets him know when things aren't in the right place!

fernliebee

With the tidying up you could try making it fun. With my group of 4 year olds at work, we would play puppy dogs at the end of the day and each 'puppy' would have to fetch items and bring them to me, and I would have the box. I used to give them a pat on the head and an imaginary bone for their help!! Doesn't sound believable but they played this and enjoyed it for a whole term!!! I did used to ham it up with lot's of puppy praise! It used to crack me up!

Also time them "i bet you can't bring me that doll before I count to 5'' etc.. You have to get them doing this before they object to the tidying though otherwise it doesn't win them over I've found.

As long as you make it into a game they will often be more willing and if not then have a consequence.