It is tough NOW. So how are we coping

kidcat

Toomuchdebt wrote: »

I have already told him that I would like him to move out but he never has any money to do so and no family or friends either.

A friend of mine had a similar issue in that she asked her husband to leave but he said he had nowhere to go, so she quietly found a small bedsit, rented it and furnished it then moved his stuff in. Then while he was at work she changed the locks to the house and had the keys to bedsit and all instructions delivered to him at work I was stunned at how she managed it all, but she was very determined and saved like crazy to do it. He took it really well and moved in then a few months later found somewhere he preferred and moved on, she has never been happier. So I suppose it can be done, theres always a way, however you have to be very sure that is what you want. I personally know my life would be a whole lot easier with out my OH and that i would probably be financially better off, however I know he would not cope on his own and I look upon him as being as much my responsibilty as the children are. Which sounds terrible I know but its how I feel. Relationships are complicated.

If you simply feel you cannot cope with his financial irresponsibilty any more, maybe you could try taking him to look at some bedsits and show him what is available - it may serve as a wake up call and show him how good he has it at the moment. Good luck

Taadaa

Wow I am glad I'm not the only one with an OH who behaves like a child. I'm left to manage the money all the time, and he says he's grateful, which is nice and all that, but it doesn't make it any less stressful, or any easier to keep us out of the red. It's just one more task to do in a long line of tasks. I work full time and feel tired all the time, and I thought I needed to eat better. It suddenly dawned on me the other day, what I need is to be in a relationship with a real life full size grown up who can show the same amount of support to me as I do him. I don't like my chances of finding that though, think all men are the same!

charlies-aunt

I think you have to have a lightbulb moment - I spent nearly 10 years of my lfe looking after the ex and hoping that he'd change his ways.....it never happened, probably because there was no reason for him to change because, no matter how irresponsible he was - there was always [thanks to me] a roof over his head, food on the table, clean clothes...

...when I found out about the HP debts, I gave him an ultimatum to get his act together or else . . . . he moved out and I moved on..


The good guys are out there -I've been married to OH for 26 years now

jexygirl

I read this thread and rarely post, but Im with Charlies aunt
I also marvel at how things change over the years! I remember times when the man looked after the household and gave the wife "housekeeping" (Im 37 btw, but my grandparents worked that way!) what a mess things would be if it was like that now, considering that the ladies tend to do it the majority of the time and do it well!
toomuchdebt... I would starve him, how dare he borrow from you what he cant pay back knowing that you will sort it out / go without to provide, whilst he does what he wants! I love the secret bedsit plan!
Hugs and hope you find the strength to muddle through
jex

Emm-in-a-pickle

Toomuchdebt, you said there were seven of you, and a new baby due soon. If your OH DID move out, if that is what you really want, I`m wondering how many of your present household the OH would have some financial responsibility for. I`ve known a few people in his position who found they couldn`t even afford to keep their job after splitting up with the partner! He is, at least, working at the moment, and potentially able to contribute to the budget rather than be a drain on it, IF you can get him to see this. Is his income declared as part of your HB assessment? (sorry, not being nosey or judgemental here at all, but I understand that this can be part of the dilemma about whether you`d be better off without him.) You say he needs the car(?) for work...and there`s always some unseen expense with a car. I was always so resentful of every penny from our tight budget that had to go on our various old bangers, my late hubby took so much earache and sulks from me for years - until I learnt to drive, and (Oh How!) my priorities changed then!! I assume, I would hope, that `the car` is a convenience for the rest of your household, not just for him getting to work, and that it would be missed?
If you do really want him to move out, that`s not just about financial stuff, and if you DO want him out and you are the tenant, you CAN enforce this, IF that`s what you want.But don`t let the money problems or anyone`s well meaning advice (here or elsewhere) push you into action you don`t want to take. You`re heavily pregnant, and stressed by money worries, it`s hardly the best time to get your head around the business of kicking out your partner. Also, this is the very WORST time of year for the bills, even folks who thought they were doing well find they`ve been hammered.
Your OH is obviously not good with money, and you are the better manager. He is surely aware but needs to acknowledge that, and learn to work with you - or leave! You say he has no close friends/family who`d take him in. This could be because he`s burnt his boats with other people, those who have given up on him, or because he`s become focussed, dependent, on you. I understand your anger/frustration at your situation, but you really need to try and talk with him when you can both stay calm, don`t do it as a domestic row, no ultimatums, but both of you should recognise that if things are not sorted and agreed that ultimatums may have to follow. I do wish you both well.

sammy_kaye18

Morning All

Well its 7am and Im the only person up in this household - even bump seems to have finally gone to sleep!

My little boy has his first football match today so think mummy is too excited to sleep

Had a bit of good news yesterday - I was awarded my £190 HIP grant (Health in pregnancy) so will be using that to buy the last few pieces of baby essentials although I haven't checked its gone into my savings account yet so am refusing to touch any of it until I have price checked etc. Although have seen a nice travel system for her - buggy, car seat, waterproof cover, cosy toes, changing bag and parasol BRAND NEW for £109 with free postage and packaging so I don't think I'll find a better deal than that. Have been looking at bedding on Tesco too in the 3 for 2 offer but sure I can find it cheaper. Really must sit and make a list later of what's still to get.

Was looking at bumpers but have remembered I have some pale green and yellow fabric in the airing cupboard so wondering if i might make one easier and just buy some wadding form material shop. That way I could make a cot side hanging helper too - so i could put a few nappies in, wipes, spare baby grow and a place for bottle / dummy (if she has one) ready for night feeds too. :T

It did dawn on my last night too that I have a DD to DFS every month for our sofas that we brought, and now no idea how I'm meant to pay that so may need to ask OH to use £40 each month of my money to keep in bank to pay them and the £40 I would have put aside for it can go to rent instead - does that make sense?

Also got to fill in housing benefit form later too. Only found out I might be entitled to it the other day so want it all filled in and ready to go so as soon as I know what maternity I'm entitled to it can get sorted - might help us get out of debt with that though if we keep paying a little extra, and if they take some off the council tax I can catch up with the water too.

too much debt - ---- £830! :eek::eek::eek::eek: what for? I can fully sympathise on the getting left short each month though as my partner is exactly the same and Id have to scrimp and save or go without to get things paid or miss payments and get charged.

anguk

---

it always seems to be women who are fighting to keep their families afloat and men who are terrible with money.

I fully agree - every woman i know is the one dealing with money in their household bar my mother in law who is very much a lady of leisure and is given £50 housekeeping by her hubby. She spends about £120 every 2 weeks on food for them and their grandson who lives with her and then her hubby see's she's short and tops her money up again for her, and she is shocked when I say I've spent £70 for a fortnights shopping for me, OH, Benji, step son on weekends, the dog and two terrapins! and she cant seem to get her head around my bargain hunting ways.

Apart form that not much is going to be happening here today. Going to meet for the football at 9.45 and off to watch him play, then home to general housework, and I have to work 5 - 10pm tonight - - shouldn't really argue as it pays the bills for the minute and I do work with 2 good people on the shift so we have a laugh. Do need to ring my payroll and ask for maternity allowance duplicates and to see if they received my letter about maternity - slightly concerned cos i sent it over a week ago with my mat b1 and still haven't had either back!

Pitlanepiglet

I'm not sure things are very different now, there were always men who had to have their wages removed from them on a Friday night before they could blow it all in the pub and whilst the women may have been given housekeeping, it was still hard work to make ends meet, to pay the rent and to put food on the table.

My OH isn't too bad but he doesn't entirely understand that there isn't enough money to go around, some of it has been my fault for not telling him clearly how things are as he had some health probs and I didn't want to add to his concerns. I am now very upfront with him about it all, we've got a huge vets bill to pay so I've emailed him clearly setting out what bills have come in (above the "norm") and setting out how many months it will take to pay them.

I'm clearly worrying about money though - last night I had a very stressy dream that I had come home to discover my hubby was very proud of himself having bought a (very 80's!) hi-fi system :eek: :rotfl:

taplady

Sammy - great news about the HIP grant:T

kidcat - I too have DHs wages paid into my account:D - I loved the story about your friend sorting out the bedsit for her ex!:D:Tbrilliant!

TooMuchDebt - sorry to hear what your chap has done- hope you can manage to sort it out x

I had some good news this week too - I won the lottery at work £75:j I work for a charity and we pay a fiver a month into a monthly lottery as a way of fundraising. I've probably paid them loads more than this over time but it is for a good cause so I dont mind and the £75 was a nice suprise!

hope you all have a great weekend x

sammy_kaye18

taplady wrote: »

Sammy - great news about the HIP grant:T

I had some good news this week too - I won the lottery at work £75:j I work for a charity and we pay a fiver a month into a monthly lottery as a way of fundraising. I've probably paid them loads more than this over time but it is for a good cause so I dont mind and the £75 was a nice suprise!

Thanks Tap Lady - least I know I can finish getting the final bits for Little Miss and its accounted for by the grant so will spend the money on her buggy and then stocking up on other bits and pieces. Although OH seems to be able to buy baby stuff better than me at the minute so might actually need to take him shopping! Think I will definitely be making a bumper, nappy stacker and cot tidy though. Got some old t-shirts too that are a bit stained etc so might turn them into burping clothes at some point.

Well done you on the win - we have something like that in work and I seem to be the only person with a high number as the bonus ball so hoping it will eventually be my turn - its been number 43 like 3 times now - just hoping I'll get a bit of luck and it will just add 1 one day! Everyone else seems to have numbers under 25! although did joke I'd change my number to 43 but can guarantee my number would come up then! :mad:

missychrissy

Hi Sammy-Kaye18

Have you thought about trying freecycle before you pay out £109 for baby equipment. I have 2 new grandsons on the way, one of which I am going to have 2 days a week when he is born so that his mum can work, and I have a 3 year old step grandson I have to stay about once a fortnight and so I need buggies etc. I have obtained a lovely micralite buggy/carry cot with cosy toes and waterproof cover in immaculate condition, a baby bath, highchair, baby and toddler toys, books etc all from freecycle. I do of course advertise my unwanted things as well but I have found that I have been able to obtain most of the things I need either by placing a wanted request or by responding to an offer on freecycle. I have found that lots of the items are in first class condition.

It might be worth a try before you spend £109.