It is tough NOW. So how are we coping

ceridwen

I think this is the thing Pitlane re the bully - when I encountered this myself I came to the conclusion ultimately that there were only two ways they could actually hurt me:
- by physically hurting me (and it was relatively easy to stop that aspect of it)

or
- by affecting my income (and it became clear that, for one reason or another, they werent able to do so).

After that - well its easier to tell oneself that "words"/atmospheres/etc cant actually do you any harm.

One of the ways I dealt with them was to tell everyone/but everyone about their behaviour (just in a very matter of fact way - as in "the walls are painted blue/our workhours are such and such and Mr/Mrs X is bullying me by doing such-and-such)". By describing what they were doing/saying in such a "matter of fact" way it was clearer that what I was talking about was a fact, rather than my own personal opinion IYSWIM.

You do have to bear in mind that many people dont want to spend the time/trouble thinking through where the fault lies in a situation like this - so they excuse themselves from doing so by going "Six of one/half a dozen of the other" or "personality clash". Hence it is necessary to be very careful, in my experience, to show up the bully for what they are as often as possible - by that very factual "they said such-and-such" - whilst staying as clear as possible of doing/saying anything that could be construed by those wanting to do so as "she does it too". You have to emphasise that you are just doing your job properly/getting on with the other people in the place okay/generally doing nothing wrong.

Pitlanepiglet

You lot are lovely you really are! You keep making me cry! So many things that really do sound familiar :smileyhea

Barneysmom & Maryb, you both describe how I feel, that whole "head down" feeling and having to recognise that I am being bullied - I've never considered myself to be a victim and it's been a dreadful realisation.

Ceridwen, you are exactly right and this is how I'm trying to feel - she can't hurt me, if she really tries to push me out then I will go to HR and even at this point I can do a fairly good job of demonstrating what is going on. I'm pretty sure she's "managed" many people out previously and she sure as hell isn't going it to me without a decent pay off! But you're right she can't hurt me, she also can't reduce my salary.

I also think I'm now starting to do what you've suggested, "saying" the words on here is the first time I've told anyone. I've now started to tell hubby a bit of what is going on, whereas up to now I haven't really wanted to admit what was happening.

I started my diary today

charlies-aunt

Keep strong Pitlanepiglet!

Keep smiling and have a happy positive attitude to everyone else in the office if you possibly can ..... as it really, really annoys the bullies!

The bully had to contend with liked to play "truth"..she would come out with the most spiteful statements to staff, her "excuse" was that she liked straight talking ... but she was quick to turn on the waterworks and run to sob on the bosses shoulder if she got similiar treatment.

Have a good day tomorrow - we'll be thinking of you :cool:

ceridwen

Pitlane

Well I personally found that "saying the words" as you call it was a good way to go. There are two ways to look at this:
- the first one is that you wonder whether everyone will think you have done something to merit being bullied like this and that the fact you are being must mean some fault in you

- the other one is that, in my own experience anyway, the bullies hated it that their actions were so being widely publicised (in this matter of fact way I mentioned). I'd have told the workplace cat even if there had been one...:D One thing I got from this was that other people "came out of the woodwork" and said they had had similar problems with the same people.
Basically I was working on "shaming them" in front of everyone. MIght not work in all circumstances - I'm just saying that it helped ME in MY circumstances.

********************

Another thing I asked myself was why that particular person was doing this. Over the years - when I've encountered this - the reasons have varied from:
- being well-spoken (when they weren't)
- being attractive (when they weren't)
- being intelligent (when they weren't)

......you get my drift....in other words it was because they were jealous of me for having something or other that they dont have. Not much to be jealous of my case - I don't speak with a "plum in my mouth", I'm not a raving beauty, I'm not a MENSA member - so not running high on any of those stakes - but just a bit "high-er" than they were. I just used to think "What on earth is their point in being like that? Most of us have some sort of advantage somewhere compared to others - its just working out what our own particular advantage is and making the best of it" (maybe they have a house I'd love to have, maybe a happy marriage.....errr....somehows....)

In the case of a supervisor at work who was bullying me - it struck me that she knew that I could have done her job as well as her (possibly better). That was the point at which I realised that people arent necessarily promoted because of their greater capability/intelligence - it could just be because they've been there for years and it was "their turn" or they "brown-nosed" or "slept with the right man" or something totally unrelated to their capability and they had spotted that some of their "underlings" were a sight more capable than they were - and they therefore felt like a threat to them.

I guess that is probably what is happening in your workplace - ie your supervisor hasnt got her post on merit and knows you are at least as capable as she is of holding that position. She probably "has a go at" anyone she perceives as being more capable than her - hoping to make them leave.

MRSTITTLEMOUSE

rosieben wrote: »

My dsis reads the mail every day cover to cover and is always stressed about some media story or other. I'm trying to get her to give them up but it seems like she's addicted!

I stopped buying newspapers in the 80's on the advice of a counsellor, and never missed them except for the crosswords I check out news headlines online but won't get sucked into the drama-out-of-nothing news programmes that abound.

I've no interest in reality tv or in most of the programmes on tv for that matter, but I really enjoy the programmes that I choose to watch.

I love my quiet life! miss my music though

I've never read a newspaper for about 38 years and I'm another who has no interest in reality TV or any of the celebrity magazines ect.
I live a very quiet life through choice,I may add.
My husband thinks it's realy funny that I can live in total oblivion of what's going on in the world but people who know me say that I'm the most relaxed,chilled out person they've ever come across.
So it has it's benefits.

Bargain_Rzl

MRSTITTLEMOUSE wrote: »

I've never read a newspaper for about 38 years and I'm another who has no interest in reality TV or any of the celebrity magazines ect.
I live a very quiet life through choice,I may add.
My husband thinks it's realy funny that I can live in total oblivion of what's going on in the world but people who know me say that I'm the most relaxed,chilled out person they've ever come across.
So it has it's benefits.

I could quite happily live without newspapers (except the crossword ) and TV/radio news (except the travel reports, which are of practical use to me).

I do however have to put up with a colleague who picks up the Metro in the mornings and the Evening Standard every lunchtime - now it's free, that is (you wouldn't catch him paying for a paper) and then comes into the office reading selected headlines and articles out loud (basically those that say we're all doomed) expecting people to listen :rolleyes:

Primrose

I confess I would feel totally lost without my daily news fix, even if buying a newspaper is getting more expensive. I do like to know what's going on around me, even if I disapprove of much of it. I hope that this at least helps me make an educated guess about how best I can stay in control of my very limited little world by adjusting my actions and forward planning where necessary. And how on earth can I exercise my valuable vote (which earlier generations of women went to prison to win) if I don't understand the issues and know what I'm voting for?

spandles

Apologises, I haven't read all your posts. If some upsets me i try to think how I would feel in a couple of years time, sort of looking back on things and how I would deal with it now. I try to stick up for myself even though I feel terrified. Recently at my work someone from another dept 'demanded' the return of some equipment that my dept had moved. When I returned with said item she said ' I wasn't having a go at you but ......' So, instead of replying 'it's ok' I replied 'actually I'm offended by what you said, it wasn't necessary.'

Have you spoken to the bully along the lines of..."do you have a problem with me/my work" or "the comment you made upset me, we need to work together". The bully may have the shock of their life that you confronted them about their actions (in a professional manner) and they may look for weaker souls elsewhere. Of course you will dislike and distrust this person forever and probably get another job anyway but at least you can look back and feel you defended yourself.

Keep up the diary - witnesses, dates and other evidence.

Good luck!

EagerLearner

I everyone, lovely comments and advice about the bullying, it's always a hard thing to deal with but this thread offers alot of backup, good luck Pitlanepiglet I can empathise on a much lesser level as I've had some issues at work but was able to confront the person.

I guess I came across the thread due to the 'how are we coping' element, and for MrEL and I it has been by saving as much as possible on shopping, not going out so much (and if we do, use vouchers) and basically saving everything we can into ISA's etc for a deposit. Then with friends and relatives we have agreed to spend less on presents etc and even with eachother to limit what is spent.

bails

Great to see so much support for you Pitlane, good luck with it. My personal advice is don't stick it out at all costs - sometimes the price is too high x