It is tough NOW. So how are we coping

Charis

An interesting thread and I agree that women should be allowed the choice to stay at home. Why should a woman be made to feel guilty for wanting to be there for the children she loves? I suspect it might be envy on the part of those who want more than they could afford if they stayed at home. Maybe I feel so strongly about it because it was my choice to do so 30+ years ago and I have never regretted it. I've learned to live as well as those who have to pay others to do everything for them. Sometimes I have done voluntary work that fitted around the family's needs.

One thought crosses my mind. If my contemporaries hadn't been lured into paid work back in the seventies with the promise of being 'liberated' women and promised untold riches and happiness with the help of their flexible fiend, families would never have been able to afford extortionate mortgages and the ridiculous rise in house prices could never have happened.

zippychick

Sillyjilly, i couldn't help but comment on what you said. I udnerstand parent making you feel as if you haven't done what they had hoped, and you haven't achieved what they thought you would.

Im 30, single with no kids and i guess I thought i would have been settled with kids by now. My mum would love grandkids and reminds me of this quite often, so I regularly feel like i haven't met her expectations.

If I do ever have kids, I would want to be a SAHM with part time work . I would happily cook and keep house and let the man earn the money (is that sexist? I dont think is it, at least i dont mean it to be). Im a nurturer/mother earth type, and would happily spend hours playing with little uns, drawing, baking, crafting, you name it.

My mum is also very highly stressed and always has been since i remember, which has probably also lead me to be so laid back and relaxed in the main. She also feels free to comment on various stuff i have "are you not going to get rid of that now?" or something, followed by her telling me she hates said item.

Take it all with a pinch of salt, I wouldn't be surprised if she was secretly envious of you being a good mum and staying at home like she didn't etc.

All this sounded better in my head, not very good with words today

Hugs.

MRSTITTLEMOUSE

Charis wrote: »

An interesting thread and I agree that women should be allowed the choice to stay at home. Why should a woman be made to feel guilty for wanting to be there for the children she loves? I suspect it might be envy on the part of those who want more than they could afford if they stayed at home. Maybe I feel so strongly about it because it was my choice to do so 30+ years ago and I have never regretted it. I've learned to live as well as those who have to pay others to do everything for them. Sometimes I have done voluntary work that fitted around the family's needs.

One thought crosses my mind. If my contemporaries hadn't been lured into paid work back in the seventies with the promise of being 'liberated' women and promised untold riches and happiness with the help of their flexible fiend, families would never have been able to afford extortionate mortgages and the ridiculous rise in house prices could never have happened.

I think you have a point here.
It's become a world where two wages are needed in most households,to afford a mortgage alone.
We're fortunate to never of had two and so find it easy to live on just one.It's all we're used to.
I'm 54 now and still get comments like "so,your'e a lady of leisure" or "your'e a kept woman" and I've had people ask me if I don't feel guilty not going out to work.
Well I don't,why should I.My husband is the first one to say that I work as hard as him only looking after the home and family.
My children may be grown up,but I still do loads for them.It helps them and I enjoy being able to help them.
I realise we have a very old style kind of family, and it works very well for us.
I may not earn a wage but I'm very proud of my job title "wife and mother".

oystercatcher

MRSTITTLEMOUSE wrote: »

I think you have a point here.
It's become a world where two wages are needed in most households,to afford a mortgage alone.
We're fortunate to never of had two and so find it easy to live on just one.It's all we're used to.
I'm 54 now and still get comments like "so,your'e a lady of leisure" or "your'e a kept woman" and I've had people ask me if I don't feel guilty not going out to work.
Well I don't,why should I.My husband is the first one to say that I work as hard as him only looking after the home and family.
My children may be grown up,but I still do loads for them.It helps them and I enjoy being able to help them.
I realise we have a very old style kind of family, and it works very well for us.
I may not earn a wage but I'm very proud of my job title "wife and mother".

I used to live like this and loved being a SAHM with my three boys. XOH earned a lot so we lived quite comfortably.

It became extremely frightening though when I suddenly realised that my marriage was going HORRIBLY wrong and I had no means of of supporting myself and the children......... I felt trapped and unable to help myself.

Life is good now and I am happily remarried but I wouldn't want to go back to being totally dependent on someone. It gives them far too much power. You just don't know what is round the corner !

My best friend is a SAHM and her 48 yr old husband has just had a stroke. I'm not sure if he will be able to work again. I have no idea how they will manage if he can't.....


Oystercatcher

BusyGirl

I think I'm really lucky as I think I have the best of both worlds. I work two and a half days as a teacher, which I love and the rest of the week I suppose I am a SAHM, although I also do voluntary work one morning per week and teach Sunday School.
When our first child was born we didn't have a choice as we were both low down on the pay scale and I worked full-time, with my lovely mum looking after DD1. When DD2 was born we were in a better financial position and I've been part-time for the past 8 years. My daughters have the best of both worlds as they have mum at home, home cooked meals for most of the week and they are both quite proud of the job I do (they have both been into my school with me and have seen me doing my job). They also benefit from the extra income!
I was never top of the class at school, but I always worked hard as I was encouraged to do so by my lovely parents (my dad was an engineer and my mum worked part-time as a dinner lady). I enjoyed school and University and was so proud when I graduated with my teaching degree.
I believe that an education is so important as it gives you so many choices in life and I don't just mean a degree, I mean GCSEs, A'levels, NVQs etc.
Whether you work full-time, part-time or choose to be at home, as long as it works for you and your family and most importantly you are all happy that is all that matters.
There will never be a 'one model fits all'.

mardatha

Isn't it funny how fashions/attitudes change ? What was expected for our grannies is shocking to us, and vice versa.
I can remember in the 70s reading all this total GUFF in womens magazines on how every woman MUST have a job to fulfill herself etc . So as somebody higher up this thread has said, they all rushed out and got stressed to hell running around like headless chickens, then got mortgages, then got even more stressed and then ruined their relationships with their kids because they just could not cope.
Maybe women need to stop being sheep and start thinking for themselves ?

BusyGirl

When I was at school (girl's comprehensive) in the 80s doing O'levels/A'levels we were encouraged to study the Sciences and the Arts and we were never given the opportunity to do childcare, cookery etc. Instead, these subjects were offered to those girls doing CSEs or not sitting exams! I would have loved to have been given the opportunity to study a mix of subjects, but we were 'encouraged' to do the more academic subjects and to all have careers.
However, nobody mentioned what would happen if any of us started families and ironically most of my friends have either changed careers or gone part-time since having children.
I will be encouraging my daughters to do their best at school and to choose a career path that they will enjoy, but to realise that they have choices and that maybe one day they may choose to stay at home with their children, or to continue working full or part-time. We women are under so much pressure, so I say do what works for you as life is too short.;)

ceridwen

mardatha wrote: »

Isn't it funny how fashions/attitudes change ? What was expected for our grannies is shocking to us, and vice versa.
I can remember in the 70s reading all this total GUFF in womens magazines on how every woman MUST have a job to fulfill herself etc . So as somebody higher up this thread has said, they all rushed out and got stressed to hell running around like headless chickens, then got mortgages, then got even more stressed and then ruined their relationships with their kids because they just could not cope.
Maybe women need to stop being sheep and start thinking for themselves ?

I only wish I had ever had a job that came under the category of "fulfilling"....:cool: .....

"Needs must...to pay the bills" is the accurate description for my current job and every single paid job I have ever had. I have long since resigned myself to the fact that I do both need and want to work (as I personally need a "sense of purpose" and the chance to meet other people on a regular basis)- but the only work of my choice I am EVER going to have is of a voluntary nature:mad:.

There arent any easy answers to this. I know I often feel sorry for people of both sexes who have to do a full-time job when they just dont have the time and/or temperament for it. I can instantly think of a couple of people I know at work right now - who just dont have the temperament to cope very easily with a full-time paid job (and they are both men). It's not something that is sex-specific. Some PEOPLE have more "masculine, action-oriented" type temperaments. Some PEOPLE have more "feminine, want to do what they want to do when they want to do it" type temperaments.

If someone is in a marriage/partnership - then it is up to the two people between them to work out what the balance is that suits them - whether it be them BOTH working full-time or them BOTH working part-time or whatever-it-happens-to-be for them personally as a couple.

I do find that question difficult myself - as I would probably go for us both working part-time and having time to do what we pleased part-time - but that option is not even "on the table" for discussion - as I am single - so have no option whatsoever but to work full-time (though I have neither the time or energy to do so).

calleyw

oystercatcher wrote: »

My best friend is a SAHM and her 48 yr old husband has just had a stroke. I'm not sure if he will be able to work again. I have no idea how they will manage if he can't.....


Oystercatcher

My thoughts go out to your friend. My husband was 44 when he had his stroke (2 and half years ago now) I don't think my husband will ever work again either. Even though after 2 and half months in hospital he was talking about getting back to work. I was like yeah what ever:rolleyes:

He was working for an agency and no wage. Just lucky that I had started a new job. As we would have been in the brown sticky stuff if not. But we have no children.

I wish her all the best and and a her husband a speedy and full recovery.

Yours


Calley

champys

ceridwen wrote: »

There arent any easy answers to this. I know I often feel sorry for people of both sexes who have to do a full-time job when they just dont have the time and/or temperament for it. I can instantly think of a couple of people I know at work right now - who just dont have the temperament to cope very easily with a full-time paid job (and they are both men). It's not something that is sex-specific. Some PEOPLE have more "masculine, action-oriented" type temperaments. Some PEOPLE have more "feminine, want to do what they want to do when they want to do it" type temperaments.

If someone is in a marriage/partnership - then it is up to the two people between them to work out what the balance is that suits them - whether it be them BOTH working full-time or them BOTH working part-time or whatever-it-happens-to-be for them personally as a couple.

I do find that question difficult myself - as I would probably go for us both working part-time and having time to do what we pleased part-time - but that option is not even "on the table" for discussion - as I am single - so have no option whatsoever but to work full-time (though I have neither the time or energy to do so).

Ceridwen I'm so happy you bring this up. My DH is one of those men 'who doesn't have the temperament to cope very easily with a full-time job', but there are very few people (apart from you!) who realise that can be the case. So it is me who does the breadwinning for both of us, simply because I cope better, and sadly I do not call my job exactly fulfilling either, but because it is quite well paid I can get away with doing it only part-time (and mostly from home!). So for us this works very well. But it raises a lot of eyebrows!
I have been mostly single during my working life as you are too. I found finally adding a partner to the household did not double the costs - housing stays the same, utilities and council tax go up only a bit, etc. Note that when this happened we were too old to have children! If we had two incomes, there would be a lot of money left over. Even now we do not spend it all (partly thanks to this site).
I'm not sure how it works, but maybe some people have a figure X in their head of how much they think they need to earn - instead of calculating their own figure Y, by adding up the cost of the things they really need, and then trying to match the jobs/income to it.