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Free guide from Refuge for women experiencing domestic violence - Page 3

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Free guide from Refuge for women experiencing domestic violence

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  • yoni_oneyoni_one Forumite
    590 posts
    i,ve been in a dv relationship once and it took me yrs to get away, i was so happy till i met this man who was so sweet till he got me in his grasp now i,m suffering again, never will i trust anyone again this has really knocked me for six, seems like i,m not meant to be happy i guess

    Are you getting professional support? Please contact Womens Aid or one of the other agencies, or pm me if you like, I work for WA.

    You don't need to go through this alone, and please don't blame yourself, you have as much a right and entitlement to happiness as the rest of us and a right to live free from abuse.

    Not all men are abusive, I promise you. x
    Domestic Violence and Abuse 24hr freephone helpline for FEMALE TARGETS - 0808 2000 247.

    For MALE TARGETS - 0808 801 0327.

    Free legal advice on WOMEN'S RIGHTS - 020 7251 6577.
    PM me for further support / links to websites.
  • I do agree that males are also victims of domestic abuse. Conditions are not same everywhere, depends on the psychology of both.
    Down Pillow and Hotel Comforter
  • Sorry to hi-jack this thread but as it already has lots of people's attention (including some experts) I thought I'd ask some advice.
    My mum admitted about 2 months ago that my dad had been frequently violent toward her throughout their 35 year marriage. The last occurence was about 2 years ago when he threw a mug at her and she ended up having stitches in her head. It shook him up enough to stop for the time being. He's still very controlling and verbally abusive toward her - frequently putting her down and humiliating her infront of others. She has no control over her own finances and is quite defensive of my father saying that it's down to a violent, love-free childhood.
    I've spoken to my mum over the last year or so about putting money aside for herself as a contingency fund - I've wanted her to take action for years as I hate the way he treats her. It doesn't surprise me (but it did shock me) that he's been violent toward her too. She agrees that it's a good idea but never acts. She wouldn't admit it but I think she's intimidated if not scared of him. I don't really know what to do.
    I love my dad. He's a brilliant grandfather but I can't excuse his behavior. I don't understand how my mum can. She begged myself and my sisters not to let on to dad that we knew but if it happened again I'd have no fear confronting him.
    Anyone experienced a similar situation? What was the outcome? How can I help her?
    Mummy to DS May 08 and DD Oct 09
    Started joint IVA in Nov 09 - 13 payments down 47 to go!
  • yoni_oneyoni_one Forumite
    590 posts
    Hi Laurasbump.

    Women's Aid offers support for targets of domestic violence abuse regardless of whether they choose to remain in the relationship and continue to live with the abuser or not, so if your mum wanted to access non-judgemental support she could contact her local Women's Aid, the directory is here -

    I also recommend that you (and your mum if she is interested) have a look at the Freedom Programme If you click on the link to the booklet 'Living with the Dominator' you can download some sample chapters. If you find it helpful, at the very least as an awareness raising tool, you can download the entire booklet.

    Your family have lived with domestic violence and abuse throughout their marriage and so the programme may be of interest to you all. If you can attend a programme then even better, I cant tell you how much the women I work with, and their families, tell me they gain from attending.

    Lots of people choose to remain in a relationship with people they are scared of and there are many many reasons why that is so.

    Women's Aid now have a Survivors Forum where you are far more likely to get a response from people who have been or are in your position

    I hope some of these links will be of help to you, it can be very frustrating trying to get your head around why others make choices that you believe to be the wrong ones, but the Freedom Programme helps make it clearer how and why that happens.

    But ultimately, you can't make your mum do anything or access any information that she does not want to access, but what you can do is let her know it is out there, point her in the direction of where she can find it, support her in accessing it if necessary and continually let her know that you will continue to support her even if you disagree with or can't understand her choices.
    Domestic Violence and Abuse 24hr freephone helpline for FEMALE TARGETS - 0808 2000 247.

    For MALE TARGETS - 0808 801 0327.

    Free legal advice on WOMEN'S RIGHTS - 020 7251 6577.
    PM me for further support / links to websites.
  • yoni_one wrote: »
    Yes, there are irresponsible organisations out there who claim to support male victims of DVA yet are known to have strong links with male perpetrators of DVA.

    I thought that was an odd thing to say and it has turned up some interesting info when looked into a little further. It's funny that a patron of mankind was one of the first people to set up help for battered women but then went on to claim radical feminists latched onto victim support groups in order to push their politics and claimed she was forced to leave the country.
    Pizzey's 'mistake' was to diverge from the theory of domestic violence that feminists at the time insisted dominate all discussion. She believed that men could also be the victims of domestic violence, and that women could be as violent toward their partners as men. Pizzey's views put her on a collision course with PC feminists who, according to Pizzey's own published account of events, initiated a campaign of harassment and violence against her. Pizzey described this harassment in an article she published in the Scotsman in 1999. "Because of my opposition to the hijacking of the refuge movement, I was a target for abuse. Anywhere I spoke there was a contingent of screaming, heckling feminists waiting for me," Pizzey wrote. "Abusive telephone calls to my home, death threats and bomb scares, became a way of living for me and for my family. Finally, the bomb squad, asked me to have all my mail delivered to their head quarters." One night, the family dog was killed. Eventually, "exhausted and disillusioned," Pizzey said she went into "exile with her children and grandchildren," leaving England in 1982 to live in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
    So what's that all about then???
  • yoni_oneyoni_one Forumite
    590 posts
    It's about what it's about.

    I don't see the link between my point throughout this thread and the quote about Erin Pizzey?
    Domestic Violence and Abuse 24hr freephone helpline for FEMALE TARGETS - 0808 2000 247.

    For MALE TARGETS - 0808 801 0327.

    Free legal advice on WOMEN'S RIGHTS - 020 7251 6577.
    PM me for further support / links to websites.
  • Hardup_HesterHardup_Hester Forumite
    4.8K posts
    Another hijacker here I'm afraid, I have a work colleague who's partner is violent & controlling, I was expecting a text from her this morning telling what time she would be arriving at work, I didn't receive a text & when she arrived I asked why. She told me she's afraid to send texts as her partner told her he has access to a 'website' that allows him to access anyones text messages, he's proved this to her by quotings parts of messages she has received. I think he's bullshi*ing her, but want to be sure of mt facts before I tell her. He claims the website is one the police use & he's been given access to it by a friend. Can anyone confirm if this is possible?

    Never let success go to your head, never let failure go to your heart.
  • VK-2008VK-2008 Forumite
    926 posts
    i have not read too much of this thread but i have a strong opinion of it

    whether you are male or female, straight or gay, young or old, rich or poor, sick or healthy, have children or not if your partner

    hits, slaps, pushes you

    abuses you sexually

    uses you in any way you are not happy

    and emotionally - which is a biggie - get out of that relationship

    is a partner can do it once they will do it again
    and again and again

    it does not stop

    in my line of work i witness this all the time

    if you speak out you will get help and your partner need not know anything about it

    i urge you seek refuge elsewhere

    confide in someone, a family member, a friend, the police, a helpline, a colleague

    anyone is better than no one

    do not sit in silence

    and NEVER blame yourself

    it is never your fault

    :A VK :A
  • this is such a comfort to know that such a guide exists... last year when i phoned up women's aid they informed me that i could only get shelter if i left my job as obviously staying in work would put all the other residents at risk. it was really awful knowing that was my only option.

    am not in a dv relationship as such (just couple of minor incidents) but oh is addicated to alcohol, dope, call of duty and football and will steal from if i leave my wallet lying around. i have a two year old and a juvenile deliquent for a partner some days who shuts us out the lounge so that he can get on with drinking / gaming etc, This is me moaning, but i am so tired of looking at someone with red eyes / drunk face who never remembers conversations that we have had on a daily basis.

    it is very hard to leave, and i am terrified of being bancrupt etc, as i put my whole life saving, £30,000 into our property and it is hard to leave that behind, which i would have too. fear of what would happen about the mortgage also stops me so thank you for the post on freecycle and for posting the link to the survivial guide... the first feeling of hope i have had in months
  • edited 10 November 2010 at 9:36AM
    hollydayshollydays Forumite
    19.8K posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    edited 10 November 2010 at 9:36AM
    I think there are many women who suffer Domestic Violence (also known as DV) and I would like everyone to know that "Domestic Abuse" also comes under the "umbrella" of Domestic violence.

    This can mean Sexual control,psychological abuse,and very importantly financial abuse.

    Finanicial abuse-partners routinely will put you in debt so you are tied in to the relationship,or you support their gambling/obsession with spendin.

    So Domestic violence doesnt just mean hitting you,it can mean bullying(this word has a stigma btw) you,or psychologicaly abusing you,and the mental effects can be devastating.The type of abuse which is not physical can be far worse than the physical,and can leave you scared for your sanity.Good luck to all.xx Get out
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