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Free guide from Refuge for women experiencing domestic violence - Page 4

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Free guide from Refuge for women experiencing domestic violence

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  • edited 26 February 2011 at 12:26PM
    WhiteCat_4WhiteCat_4 Forumite
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    edited 26 February 2011 at 12:26PM
    What constitutes emotional abuse?

    My OH blows hot and cold emotionally. Never touches me and has hit me a couple of times many years ago. I have financial control.

    I am scared to feel good because he will go into a silence and create an uncomfortable atmosphere or be all clingy then rant and cry when I don't respond.

    Yet when I feel low or loving, he tells me I am negative and withdraws emotionally.

    Whatever I feel, he has to create a drama and whatever mood I am in, I ultimately feel drained and/or cry.

    Of course, the end result is I feel as if it is my fault (even though I know it isn't all my fault)

    He isn't as bad as the other people on here.
    I need to feel the fear and do it anyway
  • Although there are levels of severity of abuse and violence, if a partner is on that spectrum then it is not ok.

    Below is taken from The Survivors Handbook on the Womens Aid website:

    Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship. Acknowledging these factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse. This list can help you to recognise if you, or someone you know, are in an abusive relationship.
    • Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting; mocking; accusing; name calling; verbally threatening.
    • Pressure tactics: sulking; threatening to withhold money, disconnecting the telephone, taking the car away, taking the children away, or reporting you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands; threatening or attempting suicide; withholding or pressuring you to use drugs or other substances; lying to your friends and family about you; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
    • Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people; not listening or responding when you talk; interrupting your telephone calls; taking money from your purse without asking; refusing to help with childcare or housework.
    • Breaking trust: lying to you; withholding information from you; being jealous; having other relationships; breaking promises and shared agreements.
    • Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing friends and relatives; shutting you in the house.
    • Harassment: following you; checking up on you; not allowing you any privacy (for example, opening your mail), repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you; embarrassing you in public; accompanying you everywhere you go.
    • Threats: making angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun; threatening to kill or harm you and the children; threatening to kill or harm family pets; threats of suicide.
    • Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts; having sex with you when you don't want it; forcing you to look at pornographic material; forcing you to have sex with other people; any degrading treatment related to your sexuality or to whether you are lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual.
    • Physical violence: punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning; strangling.
    • Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen; saying you caused the abusive behaviour; being publicly gentle and patient; crying and begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.
    Also on this website you can access an area that helps you recognise domestic abuse: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310004

    Basically, domestic abuse is about gaining and keeping power and control over the target(s) of that abuse.

    So, if anyone regularly has to skirt around one person with whom they are in a relationship or have been in a relationship (or related to) fearful that if they don't it will result in having to deal with their negative behaviour, then they are not in an equal relationship.

    They are dealing with a person who is deliberately using abusive behaviour to attempt to control the other person in that moment.

    Switching between abusive behaviour and kindness is also recognised as a pattern used by abusers.

    The Deluth wheel of power and control is a model based on known behaviour where the victim is female and the perpetrator is male.

    http://www.theduluthmodel.org/documents/PhyVio.pdf

    In my opinion there is much more to it than this but it is good basic guide.

    I hope this helps.
    Domestic Violence and Abuse 24hr freephone helpline for FEMALE TARGETS - 0808 2000 247.

    For MALE TARGETS - 0808 801 0327.

    Free legal advice on WOMEN'S RIGHTS - 020 7251 6577.
    PM me for further support / links to websites.
  • JoxJox Forumite
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    tenkas10 wrote: »
    this is such a comfort to know that such a guide exists... last year when i phoned up women's aid they informed me that i could only get shelter if i left my job as obviously staying in work would put all the other residents at risk. it was really awful knowing that was my only option.

    am not in a dv relationship as such (just couple of minor incidents) but oh is addicated to alcohol, dope, call of duty and football and will steal from if i leave my wallet lying around. i have a two year old and a juvenile deliquent for a partner some days who shuts us out the lounge so that he can get on with drinking / gaming etc, This is me moaning, but i am so tired of looking at someone with red eyes / drunk face who never remembers conversations that we have had on a daily basis.

    it is very hard to leave, and i am terrified of being bancrupt etc, as i put my whole life saving, £30,000 into our property and it is hard to leave that behind, which i would have too. fear of what would happen about the mortgage also stops me so thank you for the post on freecycle and for posting the link to the survivial guide... the first feeling of hope i have had in months
    :T

    I just really want to say, for the sake of yourself, your sanity, your child and your future, I would say kick this man to the kerb (sorry if this is harsh - I don't know you or him), you deserve much better. You work, you have a child, you have saved 30k, I'm in awe of u already. I would say this man is not good for you and is wasting his own life and brain cells.
    Of course it is easy for others to say what to do and ultimately it is down to you to make your own decisions but make some plans and slowly but surely build a better future for you and your child xxxxx
    Debts July 2020: Barclaycard cc: £5339, Santander cc: £1245, Sainsburys cc: £1944, MBNA cc: £3651, Mortgage: £214,365
    Emergency fund: £5137
    Aiming to pay off credit cards by Dec 2021 or sooner!
  • rev229rev229 Forumite
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    Does anyone have any advice when the person causing the abuse is not a partner but a teenager. no history of any DV with me and DH. We are subjected persistant verbal and emotional abuse, me in particular. We have a disabed child who is constamtly being bullied by her teenage brother emotionally and deliberly hurting her. CAHMS and social service are involved but until DD is physically hurt they won't do anything as it is a sibling /son who is the cause of the DV. If it was my DH he would be out of the house ASAP. Impossible when its your son. I have spolen to young minds, NSPCC and parentline in the hope they could offer some advice, but nothing. Any advice would be welcome.
  • JoxJox Forumite
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    is there anywhere the teenager could stay for a while, a family member for example to give you a break?
    Debts July 2020: Barclaycard cc: £5339, Santander cc: £1245, Sainsburys cc: £1944, MBNA cc: £3651, Mortgage: £214,365
    Emergency fund: £5137
    Aiming to pay off credit cards by Dec 2021 or sooner!
  • rev229rev229 Forumite
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    No, DH parents are approaching 80 my mother lives too far away and would not cope with him. No other family would have him as they have own kids and work full time also don't live nearby so schooling a problem. No friends who who want to have him either! What he needs is some anger/behaviour management but won't attend CAMHs/speak to social worker unless they visit at school. DH and i attend all sorts of appointments. put all advice into action but he refuses to co-operate for more than a few days, We are not the type of parents to ignore professional advice but nothing is working. We are at the end of our tether and finding it very stressfull. If I could I would take DD and go but because of her disability I can't. And I don't want to leave DH.
  • JoxJox Forumite
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    I'm sorry for your situation, I hope someone comes along with some advice that can help. Take care
    Debts July 2020: Barclaycard cc: £5339, Santander cc: £1245, Sainsburys cc: £1944, MBNA cc: £3651, Mortgage: £214,365
    Emergency fund: £5137
    Aiming to pay off credit cards by Dec 2021 or sooner!
  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    qazwsx0 wrote: »
    Math wizards
    Math class, xiao Ming prone on the table the bed, the maths teacher did not find out, keeps the lecture. Class is over, xiao Ming wake up, ask the math representatives sit at the same table: "I sleep how long?" Math representatives say: "you have to sleep for a lesson, about 2400 seconds, 40 minutes, two-thirds hours, one over thirty-six day, one over one thousand and eighty months, one over twelve thousand nine hundred and sixty, one over one million two hundred and ninety-six thousand century! www smbuys com

    However you say it matey, it's :spam:

    Reported.
  • jamespirjamespir Forumite
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    its nice that they help women but surely its slightly sexist of them only realising the guide to women about abusive male partners us men can be on the receiving end of domestic abuse too from female partners when will people realise that
    Replies to posts are always welcome, If I have made a mistake in the post, I am human, tell me nicely and it will be corrected. If your reply cannot be nice, has an underlying issue, or you believe that you are God, please post in another forum. Thank you
  • edited 8 July 2011 at 11:09AM
    Violetta_2Violetta_2 Forumite
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    edited 8 July 2011 at 11:09AM
    jamespir wrote: »
    its nice that they help women but surely its slightly sexist of them only realising the guide to women about abusive male partners us men can be on the receiving end of domestic abuse too from female partners when will people realise that
    The 2nd post has info & link's to Mankind
    who do offer help & support to male victim's of DV. This page has Link's to other organisation's that may be able to help too.
    dom_kaos wrote: »
    Thank you for posting this information, Wendy, but please let's not fall into the trap of assuming that all victims of domestic abuse are female, and all perpetrators male. While the British Crime Survey statistics you quote do indeed assert that one in four women will be a victim at some point in her life, the same research also suggests that one in six men will be a victim. The real figure may be even higher: while it's never easy for a woman to admit that she is a victim, social pressures often make it much, much more difficult for a man to admit to the same. One only has to look at the way the tabloids handled the alleged assaults on EastEnders' on-screen "hard-men" a couple of years ago to see how men can be vilified for "allowing" themselves to be at the receiving end of such abuse.
    I shan't quote a whole load of statistics here but for those interested, ManKind offers a really useful resource on this doubly hidden problem: their website can be found here and their page of statistics is here. As it says, there are fewer than 10 safe refuge places for men in the whole of the United Kingdom: in addition, men may feel unable to leave abusive relationships for financial reasons, because they fear they will not be permitted to maintain contact with their children, or because they fear for the safety of any children they leave behind.
    It's a horrible, terrifyingly disempowering situation for anybody to find themselves in and I'm sure moneysavingexpert will welcome this opportunity to redress the balance by offering support and information to anyone in such a situation - regardless of their gender.
    Booo!!!
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