Young(ish) SAHM -v- Working Mum?

domestic_goddess

I have two children DD6 and DS3, I had a year off with both of them and went back to work part time. I upped my hours last year to full time and I love it and I know that on an evening and weekend we spend quality time together and as I am on a good wage, it means we have the money to do lots of things with them.

I really think you are doing the right thing trialling it. By the end of the three months you will have a clear idea if it is working or not.

Good luck and enjoy the rest of your mat leave.

:beer:

**MissL2**

Thanks for your support everyone... they don't tell you about this bit when you're having a baby!

I know I'm in a really fortunate position and my desicion can be based purely on what I/we want to do rather than what I/we need to do but in some ways I think that makes the decision 'harder' purely because it is just that... a desicion:o . I'm tearing myself apart workingout whats best for me -v- my family

My OH is a high earner (about 5x more than me if I worked ft) so its not as if the money I earned would keep the roof over our heads otherwise it would be a no brainer. We were really sensible when purchasing our house and only have a small mortgage. However I was REALLY stupid when I was at uni and got myself into a bit of a mess. DP says he will pay this but I feel really uncomfortable with this and I suppose thats the 'sticky' part of my scenario. The £650 would eat into my debt considerably without relying on him.

The other consideration is that he works about 45hrs a week more when travelling (often in the US and because of the time difference and the nature of his work we barely get to speak with him) and he says that when he comes home he wants it to be family time not cleaning and ironing time which I do understand.

I love daughter to bits but sometimes do find it a bit tedious when I want to get something done (make a phonecall, iron etc) but then I have such a brill support network someone will undoubtly be round our house anyway and take her for a walk. But then this makes me feel guilty because I feel as though I can't cope and look at my other mummy friends who don't have this luxury who just seem to do things a million times better than me:rolleyes: . My DD has always been physically quite advanced so she's always on the go... can't leave her for a second she's not whingy but is quite demanding which can be hard.I often think nursery would be perfect for her because she loves interaction with other babies and they'd do loads of activities with her.

UUUUUUuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhh

Lx

whitewing

**MissL2** wrote: »

The £650 would eat into my debt considerably without relying on him.

Society doesn't really seem to value 'stay at homes', does it? He is relying on you to look after his baby (whether looking after it is making decisions about childcare, taking time off if necessary, or looking after baby yourself). Do not feel at all guilty if you decide to be a SAHM and your DH pays off your debt.

The other consideration is that he works about 45hrs a week more when travelling (often in the US and because of the time difference and the nature of his work we barely get to speak with him) and he says that when he comes home he wants it to be family time not cleaning and ironing time which I do understand.

I understand where you're coming from on this, but you do need to be a little careful. You may cause yourselves troubles if daddy coming home is associated with lots of fun, spending lots of money, having treats etc. It also means that he won't get day to day experience of family responsibility with a child. When I was with my son's dad, it used to drive me nuts that he couldn't even go supermarket shopping with his son.

I love daughter to bits but sometimes do find it a bit tedious when I want to get something done (make a phonecall, iron etc) but then I have such a brill support network someone will undoubtly be round our house anyway and take her for a walk. But then this makes me feel guilty because I feel as though I can't cope and look at my other mummy friends who don't have this luxury who just seem to do things a million times better than me:rolleyes: . My DD has always been physically quite advanced so she's always on the go... can't leave her for a second she's not whingy but is quite demanding which can be hard.I often think nursery would be perfect for her because she loves interaction with other babies and they'd do loads of activities with her.

As a working parent, I found it extremely difficult to slow down to a child's 'being'. I remember once it took five hours to wrap some presents because he wanted to do it.

As a mother you will feel that everyone else always does better than you. As a working mother this feeling can escalate slightly. But the fact is, whatever you do, as long as you love your child and try to do what is right, then you will be the best mum for your baby. No one can take your place in your baby's heart.

Nursery was great for my DS for the very reasons you said. However, it was also sad to drop him off sometimes. I remember one time when he was in the nursery Xmas play and I couldn't go to see him dressed as a Xmas parcel, so you will be torn at times.

There will be times when the child is ill and you can't take him to nursery. Baby will want you, although other members of the family often help out. But it is stressful to deal with it. Especially as it always happens when family is otherwise engaged! And you have to worry about whether you're asking them too much. And you'll have to pay for nursery even if child isn't there.

I think my conclusion is that there isn't a right answer; just a right-for-you answer, and you may not even know what that is until you've tried a few alternatives.

miss_corerupted

you are so lucky to have the option. i have to return to work full time afterwards (boyf works on a farm so doesn't get paid hug) I'm dreading it to be honest. PArt time would suit but money doesn't

tillybilly_2

go back to work!!! if only for yourself, I work 12 hours per week and have a 2 yr old, my dh earns almost 10 times what I bring home per month and keeps telling me I doon't have to work but I just keep thinking of
a) the fact i never have to ask him for money for things (not that he would mind)
b) the fact that it is keeping my career ticking over until I return full time
c) the money that would otherwise have been wasted on student loans if i just gave up
d) the fact that actually my daughter adores going to nursery and playing with her friends all day ! she always comes home excited about seeing her friends ( i have to point out that she also gets lots of child to child interaction at toddler grps etc aswell but she does get to do a lot more messy stuff at nursery)
e) the fact that you get to go to the toilet and have a coffee in peace at work, lol!
f) the fact that you are doing something that involves using a different part of your brain compared to colouring in and reading stories and changing nappies.
g) if you are not working from home all the time, you get a lot from the social interaction at work aswell.


I love my daughter to bits and sometimes oan a bit when I have to go to work for the day but it really is worth it.

RoxieW

i've been a working mum and a SAHM so have seen both sides of the coin so to speak. There were lots of benefits to being a working mum - the independence, sense of achievement/respect, money etc. However, I see a big difference between my first child who had me at home for his early years and my second who was in nursery from age 2. DS2 will withhold affection, as if he's afraid to let his guard down - although when he does he's an extremely affectionate little boy and loves it. It just doesnt happen too often. He seems wary. He often gets frustrated and feels that he/what he's doing isnt good enough. It breaks my heart to think that my decisions may have affected his social/personal development.

That said, I think it depends largely on the hours and the childcare. 2 days a week in a nursery would I'm sure bring the positives of a nursery experience without some of the negative.

Spendless

I DID pack in work to after having children. The firm only employed f-time workers and the right to request part-time work didn't exist. There weren't as many childcare options available and not as much help with childcare costs, so I didn't really have an alternative. Amazing to think my eldest was only born in 2000.

Instead when we needed extra money I worked evenings and w/ends in a shop on minimum wage. The arrival of our 2nd child meant I had to pack this in as hubby's job had changed to being away a lot and the relatives who could have helped me became ill.

Meanwhile technology developed a lot and I could no longer go back to the job I once did, so for the past few years I've been at college gaining my skills back with a view to returning to work shortly.

In your circs I would def give it a go at working, you can always review it at a later date.

maman

I have great sympathy with those who would like to be SAHMs but can't because of financial worries.

However, OP, this isn't your situation so I would forget about the money side and do what suits you as a person (because you still are a person not just someone's mum). I spent years getting my qualifications, training and experience and couldn't even consider not continuing with my career as it was part of the person I'd become. I'm sure even if you were a SAHM you'd still consider putting your child in a nursery for socialising reasons etc as many do. In your position I'd grab the chance of 20hours, make good childcare provision and go for it!!

P.S. I don't agree with posters who say 'suck it and see'. That's hardly fair on your employer.

conradmum

RoxieW wrote: »

i've been a working mum and a SAHM so have seen both sides of the coin so to speak. There were lots of benefits to being a working mum - the independence, sense of achievement/respect, money etc. However, I see a big difference between my first child who had me at home for his early years and my second who was in nursery from age 2. DS2 will withhold affection, as if he's afraid to let his guard down - although when he does he's an extremely affectionate little boy and loves it. It just doesnt happen too often. He seems wary. He often gets frustrated and feels that he/what he's doing isnt good enough. It breaks my heart to think that my decisions may have affected his social/personal development.

That said, I think it depends largely on the hours and the childcare. 2 days a week in a nursery would I'm sure bring the positives of a nursery experience without some of the negative.

I wouldn't necessarily blame the differences between your children on the fact that your second child went to nursery. All children are born with different personalities. You can bring up two children in the same way and they'll be completely different from each other. My third child had the most time at nursery of all three of my children and yet he's the most affectionate.

RoxieW

I do tell myself this but I cant help wondering - its the guilt thing I guess. he just needs so much more reassurance and is so insecure - it would make sense to me that his mum leaving him with strangers could have played a part. Though if anyone else suggested this to me I would be heartbroken!