How long can it take to get over something?

Kimitatsu

I thought exactly the same thing as you Cassie when I read Mutter's response to me - should say that a friend has just left after me talking for hours about everything, hence the lateness of the post! Talking is good, I wish I'd done it months ago.

Talking is great - and you would be amazed at how many people have similar experiences once we all start to open up and talk to each other! I call it the "school gate syndrome", all the mums stand at the school gate and all assume that everyone else has this perfect life - their children are always well turned out never seem to be in trouble, they always have ironed clothes on and are well turned out whereas you feel a mess and if only they knew how much you rushed to get to the school gate etc etc.....thing is every other mother at the gate is thinking the same thing. Its only when you start to talk that you realise the boxes we put ourselves in are our own prisons.

I'll try and respond quickly to everyone's replies. Mojisola you are absolutely right, that's what I've been talking about with my friend tonight. Things happen for a reason, you may not know what the reason is, I've always always wanted to go to uni to study English, I'm 38 and should have done it 20 years ago. Friend and I were talking about how I could do that and I think really I could. My problem was that I sat and bottled everything up for 4 months, it's only in the last 5 days that I've talked, boy have I talked, I'm shattered but not tired if you know what I mean, hence posting in the middle of the night!

If you are only 38 then you will find lots of people of a similar age doing just the same thing as you :T great way to meet new people as well as finishing a lifelong dream.

Joolsz, you're right, that's what happened - losing my job on Monday I guess was the final kicking and I just went into meltdown - I'm by no means better, but it meant that I reached out and sought the help that I needed, which was basically any poor soul that would listen to me (!) and it's so good to offload, and my friends have been amazing. I don't have money worries, at the moment people are throwing money at me between redundancy payments, the job that didn't work out has confirmed they will pay me a month's salary on Friday in lieu of notice, a holiday is exactly what I need, and I'll be concentrating on that this week. I am going to go and speak to the doctor, maybe not for tablets but perhaps to get some counselling, as I think speaking to an impartial person might help.

Dont be so hard on yourself. You have not gone into meltdown its just the body's way of making you sit back before you DO go into meltdown. Bottling up emotions has a huge affect on our mental as well as physical wellbeing, and if you can take the time out just to be kind to yourself for a while it will make a huge difference.

10past6 I don't leave the house through fear - fear of appearing stupid, very thought provoking post you made and I read it this afternoon and took the dog for a walk and thought about it. My friend earlier is going to take me out for dinner next week in Perth - bloody scary, never been out for 4 months, but I'll do it and it's another mountain I'm climbed. Mind you, he was in the army for years and also suggested a parachute jump as a challenge, that may be in the future!

This made me smile because 8 years ago I was where you are now. I had split up with my husband, had two small children and was convinced that I had lost every social skill I ever had/the world was coupled up and I would be a gooseberry/ no-one would talk to me - delete as applicable! Like you I had some great friends who took me out, and then I met some friends that were nothing to do with the friends I had before, and eventually I met the man I am with today. Bless him it took him three months to persuade me to go out to dinner with him, but several years later we are still together and very happy. Believe in yourself, you are a lovely person, intelligent, gentle,and with a sense of humour (you must have you are still on these boards!!).
Oystercatcher, again I've thought a lot about what you said about it taking one year for five years - I've another 2.5 years to go, which would tie in with what a friend said about her still dealing with her seperation 2.5 years down the line.

Everyone is different, but I think things appear even after that, that need to be dealt with - but it does get easier!!


I spend far too much time on my own reflecting and fretting about things, that's what I've learnt from speaking to so many people this week. I need to live in the moment, not plan too far ahead, not think back on what's happened, one thing that someone said in this thread is that I need to back off from ex, and that is so true - he comes round here to gloat but also to complain that he has no money, I only have money due to redundancy and my parents giving me a large chunk as I don't have kids and brother does so they give a lot to him.

I had this when my ex left - and I used to find that I still felt "responsible" for him. It was only when I stopped doing that and made myself see him as a grown up that was capable of looking after himself that I could take that step back and heal myself properly. Its hard going from an us to a me and him but it does help in the long run if you can do it early on.

I'm shattered but I'm also a lot calmer, I want to start the temp job and get back into a normal routine and just look after myself, one issue I have is with food in that I would rather take a pill that could make you feel full rather than cook, I'm not into food at all, so again from talking tonight I feel that I just have to go with the flow, not stress about cooking, just get on with it.

Dont be too hard on yourself, some people just dont cook for a while. Its always hard when you are on your own to make yourself cook something good. But why not look at the M&S deals - dine in for 2 for £10? The portions are huge and I often split them up and freeze them individually, that way when OH is away, and the kids have been elsewhere, I always have an easy option! That and some frozen veg make an instant meal. You have only just started on your journey back to being you, so do what feels good not what you "ought" to do. Sometimes its going with the flow that leads us onto the right path rather than struggling to do what is expected of us.

You sound like you have a fantastic supportive family and friends, use them, because they can see you hurting and they don't know how to help for the best. For some of them it will just be a sounding board, for others, make a regular night to have them around for a meal - you could all bring a dish to have a buffet. Its a good way of cooking and having friends over too.

Take care of yourself, it will get better with time, even if it does not seem like it now.

alyth

shawtj2 wrote: »

What happened with the job, did they tell you why you were not kept on??
I have just put my advert for copy typing on a website, just hope I get some work through it as I do want to work from home rather than go to work. But I guess I will find it hard seeing as I support myself. Bills are around £700 a month!!

Sorry Shaw, just saw your post - nope, no idea what went wrong, they called me in at 4.30 and said they weren't keeping me on! And the job was readvertised in the paper on friday! They're going to pay me two weeks' notice so that's something.

Kim I've just had a little weep at your advice, thank you so so much. As always, I will be eternally grateful to you all, in fact I'm printing out this thread so I can refer back to it.

MOT, thanks too, I am trying to find a week away and hadn't thought of Egypt, so will go and look now at holidays there!

I'm truly indebted to you all for your fantastic advice, you've given me so much to think over, it's so wonderful to get all your experiences and it makes me realise I'm not being pathetic or stupid, and that people have been in similar positions! Talking and the support of you all here's invaluable, I won't feel so bad now in relying on my friends more, I've been there for them in the past!

Cheers guys, start the temp job tomorrow so off to read through your posts again then have a hot chocolate and bed!

nearlyrich

If you are looking at Egypt try Travel republic, no connection to it but we got a good deal earler this year, good luck with your new life...