Son on drugs & in debt.....help!!

cmhbyandco

Not sure if this is the right place to write this but here goes......

My son is 22 & lives at home, has a good job but money is poor. I have now found out that he is spending all his wages on buying drugs & has taken out 2 loans for a total of 4k & has not been paying them.

I am so worried...........he says he has nothing else but drugs in his life & doesn't want to stop. He owes all his wages each week for drugs & he borrows more money to buy more drugs. I just do not know what to do.

I have been too soft with paying off his debts in the past but I am not going to do it now.

He seems to have pawned all his belongings that were worth anything & of course he says I am not helping.

What can I do???

globalds

The good news is he is holding down a job.
...
I think that may be the end of the good news .
You have been to soft on him ,but he has reached the point where he is more his own man than your kid so it will be up to him in the end .
It's a Friday night ...This is a good night to issue an ultimatum ...as he still has some money in his pocket.
He has found a soft touch and will keep tapping off you as long as you are foolish enough to pay out .
You have a duty to hit him with a bit of tough love every now and then ...This is one of them times .
You..and this is the important bit ...YOU make a decision what happens next ..You tell him ...Don't let him negotiate it all away and you will do him a long term favour ..
You just have to work out how far you are willing to take it ..Do you ask him to leave home if he won't buck up ..Can you handle the guilt trip he will hit you with ..
But if you roll over ..he will carry on .

cmhbyandco

globalds wrote: »

The good news is he is holding down a job.
...
I think that may be the end of the good news .
You have been to soft on him ,but he has reached the point where he is more his own man than your kid so it will be up to him in the end .
It's a Friday night ...This is a good night to issue an ultimatum ...as he still has some money in his pocket.
He has found a soft touch and will keep tapping off you as long as you are foolish enough to pay out .
You have a duty to hit him with a bit of tough love every now and then ...This is one of them times .
You..and this is the important bit ...YOU make a decision what happens next ..You tell him ...Don't let him negotiate it all away and you will do him a long term favour ..
You just have to work out how far you are willing to take it ..Do you ask him to leave home if he won't buck up ..Can you handle the guilt trip he will hit you with ..
But if you roll over ..he will carry on .

You are absolutely correct. I have been too soft & it now has to stop.

I will not give him any money from now on & I am going to give him one month to sort himself out. If he does not, then he will have to move out & take the consequences of his actions.

I am terrified of what will happen but I have no choice

Paparika

cmhbyandco wrote: »

Not sure if this is the right place to write this but here goes......

My son is 22 & lives at home, has a good job but money is poor. I have now found out that he is spending all his wages on buying drugs & has taken out 2 loans for a total of 4k & has not been paying them.

I am so worried...........he says he has nothing else but drugs in his life & doesn't want to stop. He owes all his wages each week for drugs & he borrows more money to buy more drugs. I just do not know what to do.

I have been too soft with paying off his debts in the past but I am not going to do it now.

He seems to have pawned all his belongings that were worth anything & of course he says I am not helping.

What can I do???

Why should you, he got into this mess, and the only way he is going to get through this is to get out of it himself.

I bet he pays you no rent/keep.

Kick him out, he will eventually thank you for it, but not for a while.

*niptuckfan*

Hi - i agree somewhat with what above posters have said although unfortuantely i have a close family memeber who is a heroin addict and unfortuantely ultimatiums do not help to an addicted person who does not want to stop...the fact that he is still working shows he hasnt "lost it" completly... i agree that you should not "fund" his habit anymore but ultimately he has to want to quit what hes on and keep away from the people who are associated around the drugs....i really feel for you its an awful situation to live in

cmhbyandco

I have given him one month to show me that he is getting help & sorting himself out or he has to move out.

It isn't easy turning your son out of his home & letting him fend for himself especialy when he has a drug problem. You worry that he will get worse & harm himself more.

You think that things like this happen to down & out families not a family like ours. You read stories about other people & would never think it could happen to your son.

Thank you for your replies

nuttywoman

cmhbyandco wrote: »

I have given him one month to show me that he is getting help & sorting himself out or he has to move out.

It isn't easy turning your son out of his home & letting him fend for himself especialy when he has a drug problem. You worry that he will get worse & harm himself more.

You think that things like this happen to down & out families not a family like ours. You read stories about other people & would never think it could happen to your son.

Thank you for your replies

I know exactly what your saying about it happening to other people.I thought that until my son started doing drugs.His older sister turned out fine etc,I did use tough love, he moved out , even moved to another town etc, we felt awful but we realised it was`nt us but him that made the choice. Anyway after 6months he came home on our terms, he`s now 22, in a relationship with a nice girl, works but the use of smoking too much pot has left him with anger issues.It has changed him, but i was pleasantly surprised this week when he went to gp for help with his anger.

Hang in there, there`s no clas system with drugs .

MrsTinks

Whatever happens this is NOT YOUR FAULT! Write it down and remind yourself because you are going to need to see it and hear it
My aunt died when I was young and she was a drug addict - she started directly on heroin. I recall seeing her in town - dirty, skinny and often either high or on a super low. My grandmother died when my mum and her siblings were young and they suffered abuse to some degree from their stepdad but my mum at the age of 15 became the mum of the younger siblings. She never managed to rein in her younger sister unfortunately. Eventually she told her to go away - this was after I was born. Mum didn't want her round me as long as she was on drugs. And she stuck to that through the years until her sister killed herself.
I've seen first hand the effects of drugs and they are terrifying. But whatever happens YOU did not make that choice for him!
If he is addicted to any drug then a month won't make a difference. He will decide tonight or not at all. Don't give him a month - all you are doing is giving him time to fimd a way round you or come up with excuses. Give him until Sunday at the most!
There are plenty of places he can get help - if he hasn't signed up to getting some help by sunday then you evict him. End of. At no point leave him alone in the house between now and then! He isn't thinking straight and there is every chance he will steal... My aunt did from everyone in the family when she saw an oppertunerty and I can only tell you that it was the drugs... they become stronger than anything else they can think about...

Be strong - stick to your guns and do it now - don't give him a month!

kiwifruit_2

A drug addicted individual will NOT usually do anything about their problem until they have hit a rock bottom. Unfortunately, many take a longer time to get to that rock bottom, because they rely on the guilt of a parent or other family member. Relying on 'I cant kick them out - where will they go?' 'I have to give them money else they will steal it from somewhere/one else' etc.....Unwittingly the family member on serves to enable them to stay in the habit. It sounds like OP, that you have reached your own rock bottom and now need to find and keep the strength to stay with your desision not to carry on carrying your son - it doesnt mean you dont care or love him, in fact it shows that you do. This may sound harsh, but lock away your valuables - you dont have to do it so hes aware you have, but if you are ceasing with the 'cash cow', it may take your son to a level you havent seen before.
You can show your support in other ways - like offering to go to the GP with him to seek help. In my experience addicts with long term drug use benefit from residential treatment - out of the area as well - Change of playmates and playground is the saying!!! You dont say how long hes been using - although thats not an issue - but there are also many good Drug and Alcohol self help groups - these are good resources.
Im sorry ive gone on abit here. I have been on both sides of the rail so to speak - as a patient and then as a rehab worker - and 25+ years later life is still clean and clear. If you feel you are going to make a stand - let someone know what your doing so YOU have support also. Ultimately you are making a start on saving both yours and your sons lives. Well done, hes a lucky boy for having a caring mum.
Regards

jamieboy

I agree with Kiwifruit an addict will only give up when THEY want to. My son was a heroin addict for years. I paid for him to go into rehab twice at £3000 per time because I wanted him to get clean, I realise now that it's no use unless they want to. We could not afford that money but as a family we were desperate, he stole from us constantly, lied to us, we paid off drug dealers so he wouldn,t get beaten up, had to constantly buy our own goods back from pawnbrokers, you name it we did it. In the end we realised we were only enabling him to carry on taking drugs and had to turn our backs on him. It was the hardest decision I,ve ever made I hated myself at times for being so hard and not giving in. I would give him food but wouldn,t let him sleep here as I couldn,t trust him, it was awful and I was as upset as he was but I had to be strong. DONT give him any money I did this for years but when he realised he had nowhere to go and finally reached rock bottom (I'd never let him get there before as I always bailed him out) he sorted himself out. Now he has qualified as a joiner and is buying his own home. I am so proud of him.
Hopefully, if you can be strong now he will sort himself out sooner rather than later. It wont be easy for either of you, people think it is so easy to just come come off drugs but I know from my sons expereince it is not. There is light at the end of the tunnel but for now you have to let him sort himself out and understand that making it easy for him is allowing him to carry on. Good luck and look after you xx

cmhbyandco

jamieboy wrote: »

I agree with Kiwifruit an addict will only give up when THEY want to. My son was a heroin addict for years. I paid for him to go into rehab twice at £3000 per time because I wanted him to get clean, I realise now that it's no use unless they want to. We could not afford that money but as a family we were desperate, he stole from us constantly, lied to us, we paid off drug dealers so he wouldn,t get beaten up, had to constantly buy our own goods back from pawnbrokers, you name it we did it. In the end we realised we were only enabling him to carry on taking drugs and had to turn our backs on him. It was the hardest decision I,ve ever made I hated myself at times for being so hard and not giving in. I would give him food but wouldn,t let him sleep here as I couldn,t trust him, it was awful and I was as upset as he was but I had to be strong. DONT give him any money I did this for years but when he realised he had nowhere to go and finally reached rock bottom (I'd never let him get there before as I always bailed him out) he sorted himself out. Now he has qualified as a joiner and is buying his own home. I am so proud of him.
Hopefully, if you can be strong now he will sort himself out sooner rather than later. It wont be easy for either of you, people think it is so easy to just come come off drugs but I know from my sons expereince it is not. There is light at the end of the tunnel but for now you have to let him sort himself out and understand that making it easy for him is allowing him to carry on. Good luck and look after you xx

I totally understand what you are saying.
I love my Son so much but by giving him money, I am making him worse. I know that now. I thought I was helping him but I now know I am killing him with love.

I just want him to sort himself out. To be content, if not happy & to stop destroying himself.

It is heart breaking. He is such a quiet lad, who has never been in trouble & has always worked hard. I have never put any pressure on him to be any better than he is............!!

I just want to help him......